My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Fat Tuesday Newsday, same story, different day.

I love that we have a day set aside to honor obesity. Fat Tuesday... which leads into Ash Wednesday... which means I have 24 hours to think about what I want to give up for Lent. We'll talk about that tomorrow... it will make a great topic for Whiny Wednesday.

I'm not sure I still qualify for "Fat" Tuesday... maybe "chubby Tuesday"... although I've been prematurely maintaining my 30+ pound weight loss since November... I'd love to see the scale drop a little lower. My projection of 5 pounds a month would have me about 20 pounds less by now... but I'm grateful to have been able to maintain. I still track every day (I know I mention that at least once a week, but I don't want y'all to think I've given up... I haven't) but I know that until the back issue is resolved and I'm off these current meds that it's going to take all my efforts just to maintain. I can't say I'm crazy about the plateau but I'm grateful I'm not gaining.

I'm battling the sugar demon lately. Maybe it's the fact that Girl Scout cookies are out... my fat knows the seasons... and craves seasonal food... apples in the fall... pumpkin pie... sausage balls... Valentines candy... Girl Scout cookies and then peeps. Just kidding about the peeps. I think they're disgusting. I haven't bought or eaten a single GS cookie but I've definitely been battling a sweet tooth. I've tried to satisfy that mean old tooth with fruit... and dark chocolate... not cakes and cookies and pies and other transfat laden pitfalls... but it hasn't been easy. I feel like Charlie Sheen trying to avoid having a party.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had yet, pain wise. I can take the edge off of the pain with advil and the lidoderm patches but I can't stop the muscle spasms with anything other than muscle relaxers... and I can't take muscle relaxers and work. If I could have gone to work and stayed busy and kept my mind off things, it would have been better but our internet was down until after lunch so it was a slow, painful morning. I was literally counting the hours. My anxiety level is growing because the pain and muscle spasms seem to be getting worse. No, they don't seem to be... they are definitely getting worse... and it seems like everyone in my life is OVER it ... I can see my co-workers' eyes glaze over when I say, "I'm really hurting today"... nobody acknowledges it... it's like... if they can just avoid talking about it, avoid the subject, then I will let it drop and *I guess* stop hurting.

Trust me, I'm over it too... except... it won't go away... this has definitely changed how I respond to people with chronic illnesses. There was an older couple in my office yesterday, both with debilitating conditions. Instead of giving the usual platitudes, "awww... that's too bad"... I asked questions... "how has that changed your life? does medication help?" etc. They wanted to talk about it and I really wanted to listen. It's funny how every life experience that challenges us makes us tougher... and yet, also makes us softer. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be molded in that way.

I understand, though, that my problem creates a burden for others in my life. I feel guilty for not being 100 percent in anything... but yet... I also feel like I've done everything I could to hit this thing head on... I've followed doctors orders... I've jumped through all the hoops... I didn't choose this, I didn't ask to be struck with chronic pain caused by... whatever is causing it... I didn't ask to be a burden. I hate having to depend on anyone else. Nothing brings me to tears faster than having to be vulnerable, not being able to do things on my own.

Anyways... maybe today I'll hear back on the results of the MRI. Having a treatment plan will help my anxiety. Ever since I got the resistance last week about muscle relaxers, I've had this sense of rejection - for lack of a better term - from the medical profession. As if I've worn out my welcome... as if I should just get over it... deal with it... accept it. It's like... because their feeble attempts to help me didn't correct it, then it must not really exist. I wish.

And here I am staring at yet another blog entry that is about nothing else other than my back problem. I'm becoming Johnny One Note. I worry about being that person that people avoid because they don't want to hear any more about it. I worry that people will stop reading because they don't want to visit Debbie Downer at the start of their day. One thing I'm giving up for Lent is whining... that's going to be at the top of the list!

I'm proud of my success in my snail mail campaign. I've sent about 14 cards out in the past week... still have a few that have indicated they want to communicate via old fashioned mail that I haven't written yet but I'm working through the list. I've got to replenish my stationary collection so I think I'll visit the dollar store this week and see what else I can find. I had a fairly good inventory but some of it was very, very old. I sent out a card yesterday that I KNOW I've had for twenty years! I love thinking about the person while I'm writing to them... imagining their excitement when they go to the mailbox to find something other than ads and bills! I wish I could afford to send a little something special in every letter... but for now, I'll just enjoy sharing my heart. I could really see myself in a ministry of encouragement in this way... because I get so much joy out of it.

Time is fleeting... need to start on breakfast and lunch and do a little glam routine to make myself presentable. It will be another cool/mild day here in the mountains and then we have another deluge of rain coming in tomorrow. Going to enjoy the sunshine and pray for another full day at work. Love and hugs, y'all!

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