what was I thinking?

What was I thinking? I was offered the opportunity to go a FIVE hour life insurance class... and I was so excited... because... that's my bread and butter, the more I know, the more I sell, the more I make. And then... there I found myself sitting in a hard backed chair for five hours... with a pleather sort of seat... which "farted" every time I moved so I had to sit as still as possible so as not to be disruptive... it wasn't easy/pleasant but I made it through the day, carried on prayer again, I'm sure. The pain really hit me when I got back to my office and was sorting through emails from Austin's teachers (more about that in a minute)... handling phone calls from Austin... trying to squeeze a whole work day's worth of work in two and a half hours... fielding phone calls from the Imaging Center (more about that later too)... returning a message from my doctor.

Oy vey. Sometimes... you just have to say it in Yiddish because there are not appropriate English phrases for the frustration I felt.

I guess. Ultimately. I have to just keep moving forward and not let the pain run my life. I needed to go to that class. It was helpful. I guess that's what I was thinking. And... in a way... I'm glad I didn't think about the potential for pain or I might have missed out on some things that I think *will help* in my sales efforts.

Although... sometimes I just wonder if I'm cut out for this type of work. I don't know what else I'm cut out to do (that would pay... I mean, if someone wanted to pay me to blog and play farmville, I'm on it!)... but there are definitely times I feel so discouraged and ineffective. Then I'll come across a client who tells me how much of a difference I've made for them and I know that I'm divinely appointed.

I started my day yesterday with an email from Austin's "file holder" (the person who is responsible for making sure his Individual Education Plan is being upheld) letting me know that he is failing his three academic classes. I can't afford summer school. He doesn't pass... he does 11th grade again. End of story. She pulled him out of the Christian Learning Center class to try to help him get caught up. I told her, "let him stay after school to catch up... he needs that class more than any of the others right now"... Of course, this means that if/when he does stay after school I have to figure out how to get there to pick him up at the appointed time. But. I just feel like he's slipping through our fingers and the only stronghold left on him right now is that daily bit of Christian influence.

I got some other discouraging information regarding Austin later in the day. I won't share that here... it's too public of a forum. I'll just say that Satan has that kid in his grips and I'm in the fight of my life... of his life... at a time when I am at the weakest I've been, physically, in as long as I can remember... at a time when I'm so weary... when all I can do is work and then go home and collapse... and yet, so much more is being required of me. Resolve that I don't have. Energy that I don't have. YET... I have to believe that it is THIS TIME of my life when so many people are already praying for me because of my physical infirmities... when I am standing in the need of prayer so desperately. I kinda think God works that way... as if this was all part of the Master Plan... so that the covering of prayer would already be in place based on what was seen... so that the unseen things would already have been brought before the Lord. Because... as I mentioned yesterday... people pray in different ways... and I know there are those who are praying His hand on every aspect of my life... and therefore I have HOPE because I know that all of these things, which on the surface would seem to be for my harm, are actually for my good. I really believe that.

Beth Moore said in the Esther video that I watched Wednesday night, "A parent is only as happy as their saddest child". From her mouth to God's ear.

And I said to a young lady recently... whenever you become a mommy, remember that God's arms reach further than yours ever could. I believe this as well. I've always been able to let go and let God when it came to my children. That's the parenting relationship He and I have had from the very beginning... when tiny Ryan was so sick and I was such a young, inexperienced mother... and the peace came upon me that God loved him more than I ever could. I released Ryan into God's care and I've never taken him back. I've released them all. I haven't relinquished my own responsibilities... and maybe that's where the road gets rocky... trying to understand where my role ends and His begins... but I'm learning... and I'm letting go.

At any rate... yesterday I turned on my phone during the breaks of the class and I had a half dozen texts from Austin asking to leave school because he didn't feel good. Well. I didn't feel good at that moment either and I still had about four hours of sitting ahead of me... and had already lost the feeling in my left foot... if I could stick it out, so could he. I wasn't the one failing all of my classes. When Austin couldn't get a response from me, he started working on Uncle Bubba. I had some texts from my brother asking what I wanted him to do. I explained the grade situation to Jim... he said he'd explain to Austin that he had to stick it out. Austin may not have felt well... but sometimes the consequence for taking what we don't deserve means that we miss out on what we do deserve.

Unfortunately this little side drama meant that I couldn't even take the kind of break I needed to... to get comfortable... because I was frantically texting about this kid... who seems to totally NOT get it. The more grown you are, the less freedom you really have. Freedom doesn't increase with age. Responsibility and expectations increase with age. It means you have to dig deeper, work harder, tough it out.

Lunch was from a sub shop... I got a greek salad. It was good. The homemade lemon pie they had for us was also good. Mercy. I should have passed on it but it was one of those "comfort food" moments. I know better.

Once I got back to the office... I had a voicemail from my doctors office about my request for a refill on my muscle relaxers. I'm so careful with these meds... the prescription allows for three a day... she gave me twenty pills... I got them filled on February 14th. You do the math. I've had - on average - one a day. I haven't been on any narcotic pain meds. I'm using the lidoderm patches... the neurontin... and advil. I mean... seriously... for as much pain as I've had... I've toughed it out thru the majority of it. I have almost constant muscle spasms in my lower back, butt and legs. But... despite all of that... they called and said, "we just filled that on the 14th so it's too early for a refill"... I'm like... ok... seriously? I mean... this is the nurse practicioner who told me it was a process and spent half an hour working with me to help find medications that would allow me some relief without doping me up. She TOLD ME to call if I wasn't getting relief from the meds she prescribed. If you take 2 1/2 times as long to use up the medication as was prescribed, how is it too soon? I was so offended by her response. I kept my head... I didn't go off on the poor nurse but I told her basically what I just told you... and she called back an hour later and left me a message saying, "we'll go ahead and refill the flexeril but you'll need to be sure to keep your appointment for the MRI". AS IF. Because I'm stubborn ... I didn't pick the prescription up yesterday. I'll get it today.

Then Austin called and said the satellite was turned off. I called... they had cut it off for nonpayment... I said, "um... you have my payment... I paid it IN YOUR OFFICE" and they checked and I had and they apologized and... sure... mistakes happen and all that but I really didn't need that extra stress right then. But... the upside of that was that I was able to renegotiate my package and saved $38 a month.... which will cover the cost of Austin's health insurance, which I was having trouble paying. His dad is supposed to share the cost of health insurance premiums but ... never has.

THEN... they called from the Imaging Center to let me know that my portion of the cost of the two MRI's they're doing today after
insurance was projected to be $289 and they were going to need that before they could do the MRI. I was floored. I said... "Um... I scheduled this a week ago... you couldn't have told me any earlier?" They were sorry. Of course. I said, "Look... I just don't have that kind of extra cash... can you accept something less?" She could accept half. But... yeah. Honestly. I don't have that either. I mean.. I'm living on prayer. Another short pay period... just because February is a short month... and the bills come due just like it was a full month. I asked if they would accept $50. I mean... because... they're getting 90% from my insurance company so they're getting money. I hung up the phone and wiped away tears. No MRI, no resolution and this pain continues until I lose my mind from it. I'm not far from that now.

They were supposed to call me back after 6pm to let me know if they could accept that. They didn't. I'll do what I have to do today to make sure that MRI is done. I can't live this way. Part of the problem is that they are doing two MRIs. If nothing else, I'll have them do the MRI on my lower back and just charge me for that... because they already said they would accept half... I can scrape together half for one. We won't eat good... but... I'm almost certain that's where the nerves are being compressed. They are also doing the upper back because of the osteoarthritis changes there. Since the bulk of the pain seems to stem from the lumbar (lower) spine... if that's all we can see for now, that's all we see.

Anyways... it's just a day in the life. I'm working half a day and then I have the MRI and then it's the weekend. These are light and momentary troubles. The aggravations seemed to cluster together yesterday but ... it didn't break me and it won't. It just made me take a minute and send up an S.O.S. heavenward...

I'm going to be ok. And I'll keep repeating that over and over until it becomes reality. Love and hugs y'all.