freaky friday

Thought I'd wake up this morning feeling ten feet tall and bullet proof... instead... I feel like I've been hit by a train. I can't sit up... I gave a little trial sit on my comfy couch and made it about thirty seconds before the pain was too intense. It feels like all my nerves were plucked... much, much more pain than I had ever been in before. Dr. Google says that it takes a few days for the meds to work... oy. Last night I was dizzy and headachey but that's not as bad today.

I don't know if it was the steroids... I'm going to blame them... I couldn't stop eating yesterday. Today I'm going to work very hard at NOT snacking. The good news is that I munched up all the munchies in the house and can't sit up to drive to the store. It's nothing but healthy food for this girl.

I'm reading The Shack by William Paul Young. I had heard that this was a "transformational" book... you know, the kind of book that changes your life... like Purpose Driven Life and Eat, Pray, Love and Redeeming Love... all of these books make you think about your own life. I've been jotting down phrases that I find interesting... Here are my phrases from yesterday:

Freedom comes in increments - the context of this is that we have free will but we're not completely free to do anything to anybody. Just like a bird is able to fly but sometimes lights on the ground or in a nest... we are given the ability to do amazing things but choose to do less than we are fully capable of doing.

Love always leaves a significant mark - you can't love someone without it making a "mark" on your life. Just like (I believe) when Jesus died on the cross for us, His love for us left a mark - nail scarred hands. And no mother has ever carried a child without having stretch marks or scars. Every single person that I have loved... whether friend or love interest... has changed me in some way, good and bad.

When all you can see if your pain, you lose sight of God. When you're facing problems that are overwhelming, even if you don't BLAME God (and most people do blame him) your focus inevitably is that THING that you're struggling with, be it emotional or physical pain, that thing absorbs all your energy. Think about the story of the disciples... walking on water with Jesus... as long as they kept their eyes on Jesus, they were able to perform this extraordinary feat... when they let their focus be on the stormy waves of water that threatened to engulf them, they started sinking. My prayer during this time of suffering has been "let this be for my good and God's glory"... and it has changed my relationship with God, without a doubt. The less I can rely on my own strength, the more I have to depend on his.

Pain has a way of clipping our wings, of limiting our ability to fly. There was a beautiful metaphor in the book relating this to a bird... but I won't plagiarize that. The truth is that we are unable to be all that we were destined to be when we are burdened with pain. And... my pain (at this moment) is mostly physical but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to still carrying some emotional pain. The whole dating embargo came about as a response to too many painful experiences with people who rejected me. That clipped my wings, for certain. I'm sure that you all have some situation that became painful for you and so you began to avoid it... a particular person who constantly discouraged you... a place, maybe church, that disappointed you... a goal that became to difficult to continue to try to attain. Over the course of our lives, we lose our childish exuberance and enthusiasm because we touch the stove and realize it's hot and never touch it again... I don't mean that literally, of course, I mean that we begin to restrict ourselves from hurtful circumstances... instead of realizing that the stove will eventually cool off. I know many, many people who have suffered loss of some sort and turned completely from God.

One other concept that has me really deep in thought... what color is God? I mean, in your head, when you picture him, pray to him, is it an old man with a long white beard? Or do you see him as the same as your own race?

I'm only about 100 pages into the book... but so far, it's really impacting me.

I got a call from my Steel Magnolia (my 87 year old grandmother) Or as she says, in a very french way, "this is grand ma ma" last night... I didn't answer the phone because I didn't recognize the number... so she left a very sweet message. I saved it. I just have a feeling that there will come a time when I'll want to hear her voice again and won't be able to. She wanted me to extend an invitation for Purple Michael to come see Dearly Departed with us... so Michael, if you find yourself in the southeast in late May, you've got a theatre date!

In other news: I'm down to only one coffee mug. I imagine the rest are in Austin's room and I am unable to bend over to pick them up. Going to have to crack the whip on getting that room cleaned again. He was absolutely no help last night. I asked him to stay home last night because I was feeling dizzy and shakey and was afraid that I might pass out. He said I could call him. Not if I'm passed out. When I said, "I really need your help tonight" he started screaming at me and accusing me of not taking care of him... "you never take me to the doctor or dentist"... which is true... but he hasn't appeared to have anything wrong - he complained about a toothache two days ago but ... there was no time for me to research and find what dentists accept his insurance AND... there hasn't been time for me to take off work to go. So in his mind... and with Austin, his perception becomes his reality... he had no obligation to me because I hadn't taken him immediately after he demanded it. Honestly... when I have taken him to the doctor many many many times in the past, when I've taken off work and taken him... the only thing wrong with him is allergies... and that's what he's been suffering with lately. All of his complaints... stuffy nose, etc. Anyways... I just held up my hand and said, "I'm not having this conversation with you now. I don't have the strength to fight with you today". And so he left. Without permission. That one is no fun to raise, I'm tellin' ya.

And that's the news from the nest today. I'll be here all day... on facebook, I'm sure... love and hugs, y'all.