heartbreaking...

i have a habit of sleeping with the news on... it's one of my crazy obsessions... it's so that if anything major happens in the world while i'm sleeping, i'll know it whenever i rollover or get up to go to the bathroom.

that's how i knew, at 2:30am eastern time, about the big earthquake that hit Japan.

there is a precious, talented young lady who i met through theatre in clayton county who is living in osaka and performing at universal theme park (I think).

i got up and posted to her wall... and started praying. i don't know japanese geography.

she's safe... responded a little while ago. worried about tsunamis but fine. heartbroken for the people of japan.

as am i.

if you're a believer, you have to wonder if these are birth pains.

if you're not a believer, you have to wonder where God is in situations like this.

for me... i know that we are living in a fallen world. through the introduction of sin into the world, it hasn't been the garden of eden for a very long time. (of course, i don't believe that it's been as long as some people do but that's another post). sin = death. ultimately.

i had a thought yesterday... a fleeting thought but it was there nonetheless... about why God allows us to suffer. truly... how much of my suffering is the result of my sin, or the sins of others, since *i believe* we have free will? and how much of my suffering has been used for my good and God's glory? All of it.

truly... truly... there are people who suffer as a result of no fault of their own. there are crimes. diseases. natural disaster. and no... i don't think the earthquake was a judgement against the people of Japan. Heavens no.

but I know that this world... this planet... this universe... is no longer Eden. and there will be tragedy that happens here that we don't understand...

the real shame is when we suffer and don't learn/grow/evolve because of it.

some days... it does seem to be too much. there have been several moments in the past month that i have felt discouraged, disappointed, depressed, overwhelmed... but there have been so many more when i have seen the Hand of God in my life and felt His Presence in a way that is unmistakeable.

He's very real to me.

i slept most of the night in the recliner. it's the only position i'm completely comfortable. i didn't sleep well. again.

i want chickfila. but i won't. that's my fatigue ridden brain.

i got my sixteen page packet for the pain clinic filled out on thursday. i'm ready when they are.

lauren alaina is my favorite on idol this season. she made it thru the first week. i'm happy.

so glad it's almost weekend.

i'm willing to travel anywhere in the state of georgia to complete a life insurance application today. any takers? i need the commission.

i'm really heartbroken over the things that austin's friend logan said to him that caused their "breakup". i love logan... always have... and i know that he's been treated pretty badly by his dad and so i know where it comes from. but my kid, as much as a pain in the rear as he can be... didn't deserve what was said to him.

having a real hard time convincing austin that the church youth group is the place to be. he doesn't feel welcome. doesn't belong.

the gamers. the pot smokers. the drop outs. the losers. those are the kids who welcome my kid.

breaks my heart.

he's to blame, i know. i mean... he's made life choices that are not entirely Godly.

but my youth group growing up was my anchor. i'm still friends with some of those people. not that we never had disagreements and such... there were some ugly battles... but i always felt welcome.

everybody needs that one person who they know is always there for them... always gonna sit by them, room with them, have their back, french braid their hair (ok, it was the 80's) in my youth group I had at least half a dozen people like that.

it makes a difference. changed my life. not that i never took wrong turns. but they loved me through it all... if they judged me, it was never to my face... they never rejected me... never made me feel like an outcast.

i thank God for that.

i pray for one... just one... Godly friend for Austin who won't turn their back on him. one person to stand in the gap. to see him as a child of God... not a kid with shaggy hair and ragged clothes who is sometimes awkward but more loyal than anyone you ever met.

and... if i'm speaking my heart... teens in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. austin's messed up alot. trust me... i've born witness to a lot of it... but he's not the only kid to wander off of God's path for his life...

like Beth Moore said, "a parent is only as happy as their saddest child". that's me. heartbroken for my baby boy.

my biggest boy is in North Texas right now... putting an organ in a church somewhere. thursday he was traveling to Dallas to some cowboy store. i got a text picture of him in a cowboy hat.

not sure what Cody's doing... working a lot, from what i hear.

anyways... blue jeans today... friday means so much more than just a weekend to me lately... it means a chance to recover from the damage done to my back over the week.

i'm somber this morning. i can be upbeat and positive thru my own struggles but in a world that's suffering... it's not fat tuesday any more. it's time to be serious, a time to pray, a time to carry the burdens of others, those close by (in the other room) and those who are a world away.

love and hugs, y'all.