My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

wonderful Wednesday

Behold, you have instructed many,
and you have strengthened the weak hands.
Your words have upheld him who was stumbling,
and you have made firm the feeble knees.
But now it has come to you, and you are impatient;
it touches you, and you are dismayed.
Is not your fear of God your confidence,
and the integrity of your ways your hope?

That's from Job, chapter 4.
Blogging a little bit later this morning. I really felt the need to have my quiet time before I blogged... was searching for a word of encouragement or wisdom.
Ok. The truth is... I feel like I'm a lukewarm Christian. I'm strong on faith as far as believing that God can and will, there's no doubt about that ... but I'm weak on doing the things that God wants me to do. My relationship with God isn't as reciprocal as it should be. I'm a work in progress. I don't know that I could call my life "devout". I do know... that I have a gift for encouragement... which is why I write, why I send cards... I know it's not because I'm such a great, compassionate, merciful person. The truth is, in my natural self, in my worldly self, I'm very catty and sometimes mean. I'm very southern. I know how to keep up appearances.

The paragraph above was part of what Job's friend Eliphaz, the Temanite had to say to Job. This is the cool thing that I find about the bible... you can debate all day long about whether it's the actual Word of God... whether the men who translated it had their own personal agenda... whether it's literal, etc, etc. Say what you will... that passage was a powerful encouragement for me today. To me it says, "follow your own advice"... and it's a beautiful example of how a Godly friend can help lift you up...

I am hurting. I'm scared, truth be told. I'm afraid that it's going to come down to me having surgery to relieve the pain. It gets worse every day. I'm tired.

There is another passage in the 5th chapter that talks about how God disciplines those He loves. I am acutely aware that God is "correcting" me. I asked for it... I asked Him to draw me closer to Him and He has. I struggle with the concept of a God who "corrects"... we want Him to be this benevolent Santa Claus who gifts us, blesses us, gives us special powers... it's a harsh reality that the more you love someone, the more extreme measures you'll take to make sure they're on the best path. I asked for it... and it is transformational. I can't count on my own financial strength. I can't count on an earthly partner. I can't even depend on my own physical ability. I need Him.

I'm battling waves of nausea this week. Had to break out the anti-nausea meds last night. Not sure if it's a side effect of the steroids or just ... who knows. Usually that kind of nausea comes from my sensitivity to medications... but the only new meds in my system are the steroids. I'm having tons of muscle spasms, tingling, numbness... and the hits just keep on coming. Yesterday's post sounded more lonely and pitiful than I meant for it to... there are definitely some loyal, loving people in my life who are faithful to lift me up in prayer... And there are people who are just over it. Either way... I know that God does put people in my path who are willing and able to minister to me and I'm so grateful for their support.


Time is running out... it's not a whiny Wednesday today... it's going to be a WONDERFUL Wednesday! Love and hugs!

1 comments:

Mary said...

Have you talked again to the doctor at the pain clinic? If nothing else to document that you are worse now than before you had the shot. It's been a while since I had my epidural, but I was flat on the floor and could not move, could barely walk, could not drive and it did take a while for it to get better. I don't remember it getting worse after the shot ~ because believe me, I don't think it could have gotten worse ~ but then it just gradually started getting better. I think what helped mine is that I was flat in the floor and not up and walking and driving and working. Couldn't do it. Although it was hard to get out of the floor once I got down there . . . but that was the ONLY place I could get any comfort at all. A bed was too soft; it hurt too bad to get into a recliner; could not lay on the couch. I had to take a 4-week leave of absence from work because I just could not move. My doctor really thought we were facing surgery, but miraculously, the epidural worked. I pray for you . . . please follow up with the pain clinic if you haven't done so already.
Ly,
Mary