i'm still alive

I survived.
I won't say that I'm entirely comfortable but I'm not miserable either. I've finally figured how to keep the ice packs on my face with a scarf so that my hands are free to type.
Having bronchitis has made this process a little more difficult... with the coughing and stuff... but it's surprised me how easy it's been to keep the pain under control. They gave me vicodin, but for the most part, I've been able to deal with things with just tylenol and sleeping.
I don't have any bruising. The swelling isn't pretty but it's not hideous either.
I've just been laying around watching tv and sleeping.
So far, so good.
But how much would i love a good grilled burger with fresh onion? Mmmm!
I've been eating fruit smoothies and mashed potatoes and mushed (refried) beans.
And eskimo pies.
I'll think I'm going to be able to go to work on Monday, which is good. I was worried about having to miss work... if things keep on, then I'll be ok. My whole recuperative goal is to be well enough to work on Monday...
Hope you guys have a great 4th of July. It will be a quiet one for me!
Love and hugs1

finding the right words

Freezer stocked with frozen mangos, peaches, bananas, watermelon… (all seedless stuff – strawberries can get stuck in little crevices)….
Yogurt, skim milk, Carnation instant breakfast ready to mix in with the fruit for smoothies…
Beans in the crockpot getting cooked up to make refried beans…
Potatoes ready to be boiled and mashed…
Money available to pay my co-pay…
Other bills paid…
My desk at work almost, sorta, just about cleared off…
Laundry caught up. Well, washed and dried, anyways.
The living room is supposed to be clean. We’ll see.
I think I’m ready.

I’ve scheduled an appointment for this afternoon with my general practitioner because I have a lot of chest congestion and I want to make sure it will be safe to go under. Also want to make sure I’m not mixing pneumonia with the whole tooth removal process… don’t want any more infection floating around in my body than has to. I don’t think it’s pneumonia but I definitely have a pretty nasty cough.

We’ll go to church tonight. I told Austin that Tasha could come with him. He’s wanting her to be able to see how we do our Wednesday night youth service. When she came with us before we had a special missions presentation.

I closed another car loan today… it’s so rare to do two car loans within the space of a month. Most agents don’t do two car loans in a YEAR! And seriously… with the credit crisis in this country, nobody is loaning money. Statistically only about 30 percent of loans are approved… but I’m two for two in the past two weeks. It’s so very God for me to be able to do these big bonus producers right at the time that I really needed the money. That made me feel uh-lot better about things.

My co-workers gave me a little gift bag with magazines, coloring books, crayons, logic puzzles... it was so sweet. It feels like today - this week - is just flying by - like a runaway freight train headed downhill.

Then on lunch – again, I just had a very few minutes for lunch today as I am leaving early to go to the doctor and had to run a quick errand. I had about five minutes to do bible study. So again, I asked God to give me a passage to read today. It's below... didn't have time to make it all nice and neat. Just check it out... in the light of what I hinted at yesterday... it's pretty amazing how God brought me right there. Literally... "Psalm 94" popped into my head.
Psalm 94
1 O LORD, the God who avenges, O God who avenges, shine forth.
2 Rise up, O Judge of the earth; pay back to the proud what they deserve.
3 How long will the wicked, O LORD, how long will the wicked be jubilant?
4 They pour out arrogant words; all the evildoers are full of boasting.
5 They crush your people, O LORD; they oppress your inheritance.
6 They slay the widow and the alien; they murder the fatherless.
7 They say, "The LORD does not see; the God of Jacob pays no heed."
8 Take heed, you senseless ones among the people; you fools, when will you become wise?
9 Does he who implanted the ear not hear? Does he who formed the eye not see?
10 Does he who disciplines nations not punish? Does he who teaches man lack knowledge?
11 The LORD knows the thoughts of man; he knows that they are futile.
12 Blessed is the man you discipline, O LORD, the man you teach from your law;
13 you grant him relief from days of trouble, till a pit is dug for the wicked.
14 For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance.
15 Judgment will again be founded on righteousness, and all the upright in heart will follow it.
16 Who will rise up for me against the wicked? Who will take a stand for me against evildoers?
17 Unless the LORD had given me help, I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
18 When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.
19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
20 Can a corrupt throne be allied with you— one that brings on misery by its decrees?
21 They band together against the righteous and condemn the innocent to death.
22 But the LORD has become my fortress, and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
23 He will repay them for their sins and destroy them for their wickedness; the LORD our God will destroy them.

Tuesday. I think.

I’m debating doing some private posts for awhile. Lots in my head that needs to come out. Yet. Every time I spill my guts, I find that someone else needed to hear what I needed to say and that the process has healed more than just me. I’m not really sure which way to go. I look at the ticker on the side of my blog and I know that my blog isn’t being read exclusively by people who have my best interest at heart and that makes it hard to be as candid as I want to be. It makes me feel like any time I share any self-deprecating humor or vent my frustrations that it will be held against me… that it makes my enemies celebrate. That’s a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that there are those who wish me harm who take joy at my struggles because it validates whatever negative impression they have developed about me. It’s not paranoia… it’s just a sad reality for me. And it makes me want to strike out at them and call them on the carpet for their hypocrisy and hatred… and it also makes me want to never say another public word that they can ever catch a glimpse of. Let them wonder what happened to me. But yet… here I am…

I had a really rushed lunch hour. Things didn’t go like I wanted/expected them to. Kmart is the devil. I needed to get one little stinking money order and I *thought* Kmart would be faster than Walmart. Instead I got stuck behind a little asian man buying a fishing license (I had completely forgotten you needed a license to fish, doubt I’ll ever have one of those!) and then they opened up the other register and instead of helping people on a “who was next?” basis… people just kept wandering up. Finally, I got loud and bold and said, “I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve been waiting longer than anyone else” so the cashier said, “what did you need?” I told her and she said, “oh, our machine is broken”. Goodbye to fifteen minutes of my life that I can’t get back. It took three minutes at the Walmart and there was no line and the girl was competent and sweet.

I’m feeling some pressure – you know, the kind of pressure you feel before vacation – to get everything taken care of. And then last night I remembered a few extra things that I needed to have handled yesterday a week ago and it stressed me out even more. When I get stressed I have a tendency to handle nothing because I can’t decide what to handle first. It makes me so anxious… afraid that I’ll prioritize wrong.

And my chest is stuffed with cotton. I feel like I can’t take a good breath… coughing like crazy… losing my voice. I guess if I’ve got to have a few sick days, I might as well make the most of them.

I am doing so good with the smoothies, though, I think I could just about live on them. Austin made it for me today – he loves making them sooo much that he will even clean the blender as soon as he’s finished. I’ve got a teenager eating fruit, yogurt and skim milk… hard to complain about that. Although, I do need to make a grocery run to restock smoothie materials for the duration. I thought about getting some grab and eat things for Austin but honestly, he eats with the girlfriend every night. I did send over some grocery money with him this morning. They’re such sweet people but they’re not rich. Not that I am… but I’ve saved a fortune with him eating over there. I’ve been sending money every couple of days for him to treat them to lunch or dairy queen or whatever. Anyways… my smoothie this morning was skim milk, strawberries and blueberries. He forgot to add the yogurt… but it was still really good. Definitely the way to go.

Here in the office we’ve been talking about smoothie ingredients. Better talk than our king kong cone lovefest of last week. The question of avocados came up. They are one of those foods that people either love or hate. Like shrimp. Or coconut. Nobody but me likes avocados here. But I like most fruits and veggies. That’s in my favor when it comes to weight loss… especially during the summer.

I think I’ve gotten my ratio of healthy eating to unhealthy eating down to about a 70/30 ratio. I’m on the right track. I’m not stress eating any more. I think a few days of having it be truly painful to eat will help me get a jump start on the weight loss, cure my lumberjack appetite and really make me think about what I’m eating. If it hurts to chew, you don’t want to, right? You’re going to make those bites count.

But I have to admit… Whitney emailed me that Kathy’s office had Mojo’s BBQ for lunch and I could taste the fries. She skipped fries but said the mashed potatoes and collard greens were great. Made me want to go by North Georgia BBQ on my way home and grab a slab of ribs. I won’t. But I thought about it.

It’s been fairly busy here this afternoon. Had a little gabfest with the girls. Theresa’s back from her few days off. She changes the whole spirit of the office… she’s so goofy. The sweet guy who jumped my car off when my battery died a few weeks ago was in here early with his wife and their baby girl. His wife is a pediatrician. The baby is absolutely precious… she’s five months old. They wrote a life policy with Duane and did an ATV policy with me. ATV policies are fun. (not) It’s another one of those policies you write once a year and have to remember every single time what the procedure is.

Just had a call from a lender wanting to know if our mutual client had flood insurance. Nope. She said, “well, the flood zones have just changed… “ Ok. “so they may not be showing flood insurance but they will need it now”. Ok… “so they need to be notified that they need it”… And I said… “I’ll be glad to help them obtain a flood insurance policy but if the requirements of their loan have changed, you guys will need to advise of that”… I think she was new. Sounded like she was reading a word track.

Written on my hand today is Zechariah 7:9, which says: "This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.

I didn’t have much time for bible study on lunch, thanks to the demands of my errands and the people at the Kmart. When I got back to the office I had seven minutes left. I said, “Lord, I need to hear from you”… and opened my bible and that verse was underlined. Mercy and compassion. That’s what I’m praying for. That those who want to slander me, to talk about my shortcomings, to make false accusations against me will be able to show mercy and compassion. I’m not who I should be yet, but thank God I’m not who I was. No. Beyond that. Thank God I’m not where I could have been.

Maybe I will talk some more in the private blog. I think what matters right now is that God knows the heart. He is my judge. He loves this broken and imperfect person that I am. He knows how hard I’ve worked, how much I’ve sacrificed, how sincerely I’ve yearned to be – not who man thinks I should be – but who God wants me to be. He knows what happens in the privacy of my home. He knows the integrity that I seek. He knows the wrongs committed against me and He will judge. Here’s the next verse – Zechariah 7:10. I’ll close with this… have a great evening y’all!

Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.

Update:
One more thing I meant to add. Jim and Angie have been awesome to me. There are some others who have bent over backwards to help me too... I didn't mean to exclude them in my effort to emphasize how much Jim and Angie do. My friend Mary and her husband Doug have been an incredible safety net for me... from the goody boxes she sent when I moved in to flowers on my birthday and other acts of incredible generousity... they have really kept me afloat. My friend A.T. sacrificed her time and efforts getting me settled in here. I've had countless friends who follow my blog every day and send emails of encouragement. My friend Linda has shared from her wisdom and experience and been so generous to me as well! And others - countless others. God truly does meet every need!

Sunday in church Pastor Jim talked about having friends in the faith who will hold you accountable and give advice and share wisdom. God laid someone on my heart at that time and I was just too proud to go to her during the invitation time and talk to her... but she is definitely a precious source of encouragement to me and just one more someone special who keeps me going. I will talk with her soon.

That's it for now... love and hugs, y'all!

what matters most

I have some major chest congestion/cough going on. Great timing.

Saw the oral surgeon this afternoon... he is taking six teeth, the wisdom teeth and two others. When I said, "should I be nervous? how bad is this going to be?" He said, "you shouldn't be nervous but it's not going to be easy. This should have been done when you were 15." So I said, "so when I'm miserable this weekend I should blame my parents?" And he said, "it may help if you have someone to blame other than me".

I don't really like my oral surgeon. He wouldn't give me my prescriptions in advance - so Angie will have to go get them after my surgery on Thursday. That hacks me off because I don't want Angie to have to do anything more than she's already doing. Not because she'll mind, because she won't. Not because she'll complain, because she won't. She'll be great about it... which is why I'm so glad it's her taking care of me. She won't make me feel the least bit guilty about being a huge imposition. That's what family is for, right? I am so blessed to have Jim and Angie to take care of me. Honestly, there are times that I feel like without them, I'd be completely alone in this world.

One of my friends from high school just caught her husband cheating ... she caught him because of some pictures his mistress posted on facebook. I'm telling you... it's an epidemic. This girl was (and still is) beautiful, blonde, thin, smart, popular... it doesn't matter. It's like there's this insatiable need that men have to conquer... my heart just breaks for her.

While I was in "civilization" today, I went ahead and bought Austin some new shoes. Any of you who have grown boy children will appreciate the financial impact of new shoes for a teenage boy. And Austin... God love him... is so hard on shoes... I nearly cried while paying for them. But it was easier to buy them without him. I just bought the exact same ones he had before, knowing that he likes things to stay the same. He is leaving for a mission trip on the 11th... and I'm operating under the assumption that I'm not going to feel like going shoe shopping with him between the 2nd and the 11th. Just an odd chance. I added a prayer that he will not need anything else between now and then... but I need to get the list of stuff they need and make sure he's good to go.

There is this sweet young girl in our church who is about the same age as Cody. She always sits with me in church. She is a huge hugger... she has to hug everyone... and she makes a big happy deal about being excited to see you. She's just precious. She's going on a mission trip to Nevada and doesn't have the money she needs for it yet... I told her yesterday that God would provide... and gave her just a few examples of how God has provided for me... today she got the money she needed. God does provide. It's amazing.

Just like Austin... I was really concerned about how he would be spending so much time unsupervised this summer. Then he met Tasha... and her mother doesn't work... and so the two of them have been hanging out at her house all summer. They treat him like one of the family. It's such a blessing to me to know that he's being supervised... and fed!... while I'm away from the house for 10+ hours a day.

I don't remember how much I blogged about my weekend... it was really just a restful weekend. I probably should have done some more things than I did and I'm feeling a slight bit of pressure now, thinking about what needs to get done while I'm well. I will say this... hands down, the best part of my weekend was picking up the girls from children's church and the nursery yesterday. From having the teachers announce, "Aunt Heather's here to get you" and hearing Sarabeth scream, "Aunt HEATHER!!!" and then run over to show me her new skirt and her papers... and then having Jamie have this big goofy grin spread all over her face and come running out for a hug...

No matter what else has gone wrong in my life... these two girls... they always make me feel like I am somebody special. And their opinion is the one that matters the most to me.

Have a great evening y'all!

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my lazy Saturday

Cap and trade = crap and trade. I don't want to talk political but it's just insane. Make it more difficult for manufacturing in America and/or charge additional tariffs to goods manufactured outside of Amercia, either way, it's a blow to the working poor. Like me. Thank you, America, for voting for change... because by the time Obama's one term is over, all I'll have left is change.

It's been another pj Saturday for me and I am LOVIN' it! I made my normal runs to the farm stand for produce, the grocery store for a few staples and the amish bakery for some fresh bread - the bakery also sells Boars Head deli meat, which they DON'T sell at the local grocery store.

Austin, my child who has no boundaries, has gotten ahold of the fly spray and I think he's going to poison us all. If I had a dollar for the number times in the past fifteen years I've uttered the words, "Austin - that's enough" or "Austin, stop..." then I could retire now.

I bought a blender today... a super cheap one... not the cheapest model that walmart sells, but the next to the cheapest. I figured that once the teeth come out on Thursday and I'm on mush for a few days, having a blender so I can make smoothies would help enormously. Purple Michael's boyfriend Ross is a nutritionist (or in the process of becoming... I forget what the educational status is at this moment... suffice to say, he knows a little sumptin') ... Anyways... Ross gave me a recipe for a carrot cake smoothie... made out of frozen carrots and pineapple with the same spices as carrot cake. Carrot cake is my FAVORITE... so I'm excited to try that. I bought frozen mango, strawberries, blueberries... a big tub of fat free yogurt... skim milk... I debated on protein powder but it was super expensive and I think that I'll get enough protein from the milk and yogurt. And anyways... it should just be a few days.

I had a complete carb fest yesterday... I'll expound on that on my weight loss blog... but I did lose my one pound for this week, reversing the pound I gained last week. It's just a lifelong journey. I did much better today. Ok... well, I had salad for both lunch and dinner today. I had a smoothie for a snack, testing out the new blender... but I did have some fresh baked pecan rolls from the amish bakery AND... a piece of a savory scone from the bakery. They had two scones for 49cents! That's what austin and I had for breakfast... a scone a piece! I thought that was a great bargain.

They had a big firework tent set up at the walmart today. It made me sorta sad. There will be a lot of things coming up in the next few months that remind me of Michael. Last year he spent $600 on fireworks and it caused a huge fight between us (because we couldn't "afford" for me to go to Vegas with him on our anniversary) and we had a huge 4th of July party at his brother's house... a party that he invited his mistress and her family to. Their first kiss (according to the letter his boss confiscated) was on July 7th. Our wedding anniversary was July 15th. I am not depressed. I'm not bitter. I just remember things sometimes and some of those memories are painful. Forgiveness doesn't take away the hurt of the deception and disappointment. There are certain things that for me, will always be associated with Michael. The 4th of July and fireworks... for instance...

Michael Jackson's death has also stirred up some memories for me. When I first started dating Michael, my iPod crashed on me. Michael took it to the apple store and got it fixed... and then loaded a bunch of his music on it.... which included a lot of Michael Jackson stuff. Other stuff too but I remember laughing with my kids about the Michael Jackson stuff... I mean... my iPod was full of showtunes and workout music.

Incidentally - Barry was a Michael Jackson fan too. I wouldn't call myself a fan. I feel like where there's smoke there's fire. I think it's entirely likely that at least some of the allegations against him were true. Yet... he seemed to live such an empty and tragic life. The news reports of the drugs he was on... it makes me sad.

I'm watching Walk The Line for about the tenth time. I really love this movie. Reese Witherspoon is adorable... that's my exciting Saturday.

Have a great evening! Love and hugs y'all!

I defy you to define me

I just had the strangest and most frustrating meeting with a client that I have had in a very long time. This will serve as a reinforcement of the rule to never discuss religion or politics in business. My client relocated here last summer from Austin, Texas. She is single. She moved here to be closer to family – in her case her ailing mother and her brother.

She indicated that she felt ostracized and unaccepted in what she called our narrow minded, small town environment. I replied that my experiences here had been quite different – that I felt more a part of this community than anywhere else I had ever lived.

I told her that I also moved here to be near family. That I arrived basically homeless and penniless and that by the grace of God and the generosity of the community, I had been able to settle and find a great sense of belonging.

She talked about being rejected by the church and how the churches here are established just as a social club and don’t care anything about the people in their community. I told her how precious my church had been to me, how loving, accepting… she insisted that my acceptance was based on nepotism, that if not for my brother that I would be ostracized too. I disagreed.

She said that the church only served those who look and believe just like them. I disagreed there too… my church has embraced the task of missions in our community, our country and our world… everything from holding carnivals in Helen to building churches in Nevada to holding Vacation Bible School in Kenya.

She said that our only reason for missions is to try to force people to believe what we believe. That if we really cared about people that we would go into their world and try to learn what we can from them. I have never been out into the mission field in the sense of going into deepest darkest Africa but I have faced my own mission field and I can only speak from my heart. I share what I believe because I believe it’s life for a dying world. I feel like the whole world has a cancer and I have the only cure. I share because it would be selfish not to. If you truly believe what you believe, how can you not share?

And I have always learned from every person I’ve ever tried to reach out to. I learn by observation. I learn by listening. I learn by loving. I learn by sharing my experiences and having others share theirs. I don’t think I know more, I just know what works for me. I don’t try to save the world. I just try to put bandaids on whatever booboos show up in my playground.

She said that she has learned to “lay it on the line” from the very beginning… that she immediately tells people that she’s not from around here and offers to move on if they can’t deal with that. I also tell people that I’m not from around here but I never assume that is a bad thing. I’ve gotten the occasional, “who are your people” inquiry but I find that charming and quaint. I am not threatened by it. I certainly don’t throw down the gauntlet of “take me or leave me” in the first conversation. Who wants to be bothered under such demands?

She said, “people instantly judge me because I’m not from around here” and I said, “you instantly judged me and my church… to think that because my brother being pastor is the only reason they accepted me.” She agreed. I said, “what if people just accepted me because I’m nice. Or friendly. Or engaging. Or what if they accepted me because they’re friendly, compassionate people?”

I accept a few truths – one, that many churches are elitist and that in many cases organized religion does more to harm the cause of Christ than the devil ever could. I know it’s hard to walk into a church and make yourself vulnerable and hope for acceptance. I know that many of the people who need church most are too broken to walk in alone – whether it’s a brother or a sister-in-law or a friend – I know that having someone with you helps immensely.

I also know that usually the world is a mirror. People give back the attitude you put out there. Nobody wants to befriend a surly and bitter person.

Prejudice means prejudging – it’s not specific to color or sexual orientation. Many times prejudice is narrowing your own world by the assumption that others have a narrow view themselves. I’m a twice divorced, Evangelical Christian who leans to the political right. I listen to Rush Limbaugh and believe in God and think that big government is big trouble. I love showtunes and old hymns and contemporary Christian music. My best friend is a gay man. I’m the best aunt ever. I’m lousy at correspondence. I never pay my bills on time. I don’t make enough money. I drive a five year old car that’s not yet paid for and I live in a rented place. I attend a First Baptist church in a small town and I sit on the second row every week in the same spot right next to my sister in law and my pastor’s daughter who happens to have downs syndrome. She sings off key and so do I. I am short and overweight and have long naturally curly hair. I have strong beliefs but I don’t fit any stereotype and I defy you to define me.

I get really aggravated at people who think themselves liberal and open minded yet they have the belief that if you don’t believe like them that you’re wrong. Open minded means accepting my views of the world too.

I thanked her for the conversation, invited her to come to church with me and wished her luck.