Tuesday. I think.

I’m debating doing some private posts for awhile. Lots in my head that needs to come out. Yet. Every time I spill my guts, I find that someone else needed to hear what I needed to say and that the process has healed more than just me. I’m not really sure which way to go. I look at the ticker on the side of my blog and I know that my blog isn’t being read exclusively by people who have my best interest at heart and that makes it hard to be as candid as I want to be. It makes me feel like any time I share any self-deprecating humor or vent my frustrations that it will be held against me… that it makes my enemies celebrate. That’s a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that there are those who wish me harm who take joy at my struggles because it validates whatever negative impression they have developed about me. It’s not paranoia… it’s just a sad reality for me. And it makes me want to strike out at them and call them on the carpet for their hypocrisy and hatred… and it also makes me want to never say another public word that they can ever catch a glimpse of. Let them wonder what happened to me. But yet… here I am…

I had a really rushed lunch hour. Things didn’t go like I wanted/expected them to. Kmart is the devil. I needed to get one little stinking money order and I *thought* Kmart would be faster than Walmart. Instead I got stuck behind a little asian man buying a fishing license (I had completely forgotten you needed a license to fish, doubt I’ll ever have one of those!) and then they opened up the other register and instead of helping people on a “who was next?” basis… people just kept wandering up. Finally, I got loud and bold and said, “I don’t mean to be rude but I’ve been waiting longer than anyone else” so the cashier said, “what did you need?” I told her and she said, “oh, our machine is broken”. Goodbye to fifteen minutes of my life that I can’t get back. It took three minutes at the Walmart and there was no line and the girl was competent and sweet.

I’m feeling some pressure – you know, the kind of pressure you feel before vacation – to get everything taken care of. And then last night I remembered a few extra things that I needed to have handled yesterday a week ago and it stressed me out even more. When I get stressed I have a tendency to handle nothing because I can’t decide what to handle first. It makes me so anxious… afraid that I’ll prioritize wrong.

And my chest is stuffed with cotton. I feel like I can’t take a good breath… coughing like crazy… losing my voice. I guess if I’ve got to have a few sick days, I might as well make the most of them.

I am doing so good with the smoothies, though, I think I could just about live on them. Austin made it for me today – he loves making them sooo much that he will even clean the blender as soon as he’s finished. I’ve got a teenager eating fruit, yogurt and skim milk… hard to complain about that. Although, I do need to make a grocery run to restock smoothie materials for the duration. I thought about getting some grab and eat things for Austin but honestly, he eats with the girlfriend every night. I did send over some grocery money with him this morning. They’re such sweet people but they’re not rich. Not that I am… but I’ve saved a fortune with him eating over there. I’ve been sending money every couple of days for him to treat them to lunch or dairy queen or whatever. Anyways… my smoothie this morning was skim milk, strawberries and blueberries. He forgot to add the yogurt… but it was still really good. Definitely the way to go.

Here in the office we’ve been talking about smoothie ingredients. Better talk than our king kong cone lovefest of last week. The question of avocados came up. They are one of those foods that people either love or hate. Like shrimp. Or coconut. Nobody but me likes avocados here. But I like most fruits and veggies. That’s in my favor when it comes to weight loss… especially during the summer.

I think I’ve gotten my ratio of healthy eating to unhealthy eating down to about a 70/30 ratio. I’m on the right track. I’m not stress eating any more. I think a few days of having it be truly painful to eat will help me get a jump start on the weight loss, cure my lumberjack appetite and really make me think about what I’m eating. If it hurts to chew, you don’t want to, right? You’re going to make those bites count.

But I have to admit… Whitney emailed me that Kathy’s office had Mojo’s BBQ for lunch and I could taste the fries. She skipped fries but said the mashed potatoes and collard greens were great. Made me want to go by North Georgia BBQ on my way home and grab a slab of ribs. I won’t. But I thought about it.

It’s been fairly busy here this afternoon. Had a little gabfest with the girls. Theresa’s back from her few days off. She changes the whole spirit of the office… she’s so goofy. The sweet guy who jumped my car off when my battery died a few weeks ago was in here early with his wife and their baby girl. His wife is a pediatrician. The baby is absolutely precious… she’s five months old. They wrote a life policy with Duane and did an ATV policy with me. ATV policies are fun. (not) It’s another one of those policies you write once a year and have to remember every single time what the procedure is.

Just had a call from a lender wanting to know if our mutual client had flood insurance. Nope. She said, “well, the flood zones have just changed… “ Ok. “so they may not be showing flood insurance but they will need it now”. Ok… “so they need to be notified that they need it”… And I said… “I’ll be glad to help them obtain a flood insurance policy but if the requirements of their loan have changed, you guys will need to advise of that”… I think she was new. Sounded like she was reading a word track.

Written on my hand today is Zechariah 7:9, which says: "This is what the LORD Almighty says: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.

I didn’t have much time for bible study on lunch, thanks to the demands of my errands and the people at the Kmart. When I got back to the office I had seven minutes left. I said, “Lord, I need to hear from you”… and opened my bible and that verse was underlined. Mercy and compassion. That’s what I’m praying for. That those who want to slander me, to talk about my shortcomings, to make false accusations against me will be able to show mercy and compassion. I’m not who I should be yet, but thank God I’m not who I was. No. Beyond that. Thank God I’m not where I could have been.

Maybe I will talk some more in the private blog. I think what matters right now is that God knows the heart. He is my judge. He loves this broken and imperfect person that I am. He knows how hard I’ve worked, how much I’ve sacrificed, how sincerely I’ve yearned to be – not who man thinks I should be – but who God wants me to be. He knows what happens in the privacy of my home. He knows the integrity that I seek. He knows the wrongs committed against me and He will judge. Here’s the next verse – Zechariah 7:10. I’ll close with this… have a great evening y’all!

Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.

Update:
One more thing I meant to add. Jim and Angie have been awesome to me. There are some others who have bent over backwards to help me too... I didn't mean to exclude them in my effort to emphasize how much Jim and Angie do. My friend Mary and her husband Doug have been an incredible safety net for me... from the goody boxes she sent when I moved in to flowers on my birthday and other acts of incredible generousity... they have really kept me afloat. My friend A.T. sacrificed her time and efforts getting me settled in here. I've had countless friends who follow my blog every day and send emails of encouragement. My friend Linda has shared from her wisdom and experience and been so generous to me as well! And others - countless others. God truly does meet every need!

Sunday in church Pastor Jim talked about having friends in the faith who will hold you accountable and give advice and share wisdom. God laid someone on my heart at that time and I was just too proud to go to her during the invitation time and talk to her... but she is definitely a precious source of encouragement to me and just one more someone special who keeps me going. I will talk with her soon.

That's it for now... love and hugs, y'all!