my thursday stuff

I have this great inspiration picture taken of me and four of our boys (all but Bobby) at Six Flags in June, 2006… I’m about a size ten… it’s on my desk so I can remember why I’m working at losing weight. I liked being that size.

My headache is changing. It was a stabbing pain and then it went to a dizzy, sick feeling and now it’s back to pain again. It’s been way better today. I am going to have another night of EBT (early bedtime) and hopefully that will get me back on track.

I’d like to feel well enough to go to the Vacation Bible School commencement tomorrow night. We’ll see. I was so proud to make it through the day today.

It’s storming outside. I stepped outside long enough to take out the trash and it felt great out there! I would have loved to stand out in the rain. My hair is curly already, can’t mess it up.

I’m glad I took those headache pictures yesterday… I think it’s cool to be 41 and not look horrible when I’m feeling horrible and not wearing makeup. Maybe that’s vain. I don’t know. I will just say that I’m not embarrassed of how I look and I love that my head is healing up where I had that surgery last year. I thought I was going to look like Frankenstein forever.

Duane’s sweet little girl was in the office all day today. She’s ten… outgoing… smart… really enjoyable. She had her dog with her too. Her mama is out of town for the weekend. It’s been a busy day at work, I can tell the economy is picking up. I was emailing back and forth with Whitney about it. Love her! Miss her too! I could almost stand to go to Jacksonville to be able to see my girl… almost. It’s a long way – eight hours.

I think long road trips are out of the question until I get my tires replaced. I’m a little nervous about my road trip to get Austin but it has to be done. God has protected me so far.

I talked to Austin’s dad today. It’s weird how I have zero sadness about our marriage ending and so incredibly much sadness about my relationship with Michael ending, considering that Robert and I had far more to lose and spent far longer together. You can freud through that for a bit. I guess the point is that my relationship with Robert ending was after a long time of trying to make something work that was just never going to work with someone who I really didn’t like any more- didn’t affect me as deeply as losing something when the attempts had never really been made to salvage things with someone I genuinely enjoyed, except when I didn’t. In the first divorce there was no love lost. I may not have appreciated the things that Michael was doing but I didn’t stop loving him. My prayer for him lately has been that he would somehow understand how much I loved him – because he really didn’t get it. Understanding what it means to be loved is a great first step in being able to love back, I think. And I so greatly want him to be able to have a lifetime commitment with someone… who can be a mommy to Bobby.

How did I chase that rabbit? The headache is getting to me. I’ve been really proud of the fact this week, that despite feeling really icky, that I haven’t been depressed or discouraged about it. It just is what it is. I’ve been incredibly calm. It would have – in the past – been a time for me to have a great big pity party being “sick and alone”. But I just don’t feel alone any more. How do you like that? All of a sudden (or, after many months of working at it) I have confidence in being enough all by myself.

Fixing the toilet by myself helped. It’s amazing how those little victories really change your perspective.

Time is ticking by. We have big news in our family this week… I can’t share it yet…