Newsday Tuesday

The truant child is already awake. Honestly, I think he may have stayed up all night. I gave him the ultimatum last night that ANY day absent from school would result in the loss of his cell phone until he had attended school for a full month after that. My apologies to any teachers who suffer from him falling asleep in class. I do what I can. I also bought his favorite coffee creamer - caramel macchiato - and as a result, the two of us have almost finished an entire pot of coffee this morning.

I didn't exercise yesterday. Monday takes too much out of me. I will today. I am determined.

There are so many pillows piled up on my bed that my full bed looks like a day bed. The princess and the pea... Gotta have my cozy bed.

It's amazing the things that get hidden during the winter... the snow piles up and covers so much... and we bundle up so much that we miss things like... oh, I don't know... toenails that need clipping. I could cling to a branch with the talons I've developed.

I fell into such a deep sleep last night that I woke up at 12:30 and thought it must SURELY be morning. I was so excited to find that I had at least 5 more hours I could sleep that I almost couldn't go back to sleep. But I did.

I never really understood the phrase, "curiousity killed the cat" until we had Bitty. He is a natural born explorer. He is constantly climbing up on counters, pawing down into couch cushions, checking under the bed... he's a nosy little fella. Stubby the 3leggedWondercat is basically a piece of furniture that eats and poops. He gets animated only when I lay down at night (because he knows he'll get petted for a little bit) and when I get out the num-nums.

My friend Kathy reminded me last night about www.skinnytaste.com - it's a blog that has the most amazing recipes that are easy, flavorful and weight watchers friendly. I'm not much for following recipes line for line... I usually get ideas for flavor combinations or cooking techniques and then do my own thing. But if you're trying to eat healthy and feel like you're in a rut, you might want to check it out.

I heard this quote the other day and thought it was awesome... "the only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions"... How deep is your rut? Is it becoming a grave? Even though I'm in a plateau... I'm still moving forward... I refuse to stay stuck. I'm still doing the things I need to do to be healthy. I'm coughing again... there's junk in my chest again... I'm trying to mitigate the illness by doing the thing I know that helps keep me healthy- proper nutrition. I know that I will always have some battles with this lung stuff. I just can't use it as an excuse to give up. Being at a healthy weight and giving my body the right kind of food can only help. It may not heal me completely but it may help keep that rut from becoming a grave.

If nothing else, I know that eating well makes me feel better so that even if I don't feel GREAT, I don't feel as bad as I could.

It never ceases to amaze me that my child can pile up laundry as high as his head, never put his stuff in the laundry room until I throw a fit, never put away his clean laundry ... and yet... every morning without fail... he comes into my room to complain about not having matching socks. *shakes head*

Since my relationship meltdown of last week... I'm feeling a lot more peace. I had to take a step back and re-evaluate what I was looking for and how I was looking. I had to sort of evaluate Single Life (yes, the capitalization is intentional) and I realize how much I actually enjoy this stage of life. The uncertainty is frustrating... the "what ifs"... what if I get sick? What if I can't work? What if my car breaks down? What if I get old and ugly and then it's too late? Will I regret not working harder to find a man in my younger years? Will I one day regret the lonely years? And I don't have the answers to those questions but... I have to say... on a day to day basis... I really enjoy the flexibility of this life I have right now. I like not answering to anyone... not having to share the remote... not worrying about anyone else creating financial problems that I have to fix (other than Austin, of course). The other thing... being single affords me... is the ability to know a lot of people, to share my heart with a lot of people and hopefully, give them a little hope. The whole vetting process forces you to have some transparency and to open your heart and mind to possibilities. I've seen a lot of possibilities over the past few months and... I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

Anyways... the key to happiness is appreciating the life you have. I do appreciate all that I've been given. I appreciate the people in my life who keep me from being alone or lonely. I appreciate the unique opportunities I have here in this Single Life.

One thing I've been thinking about over the past few days is the concept of a garden. It's sort of a family joke that I have no capacity to grow things (other than children). But I want to. I want a garden. I want to grow basil and peppers and tomatoes... and of course, I just have a little duplex with no real land of my own that I can use for anything or with any expectation of it being left alone. Organic Rose who is the caretaker of the farm I visit every weekend suggested that perhaps instead of working on my cyber farm, I could come out and help with the REAL farm. I think she was partly teasing but I would absolutely love it. I relish the idea of finally figuring out how to make things grow in the dirt. It harkens back to my oft repeated phrase, "if you give a man a fish he eats for a meal, if you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime". I want someone to teach me to "fish". I want to be able to... one day when I have my little cabin in the woods... to have a little garden spot where I can provide food for myself... I love being outdoors... I love the smell out the fresh turned earth... I love feel of the sun on my face and the taste of tomatoes, ripe from the garden. What could be better?

At the time I was finishing a book, "Leota's Garden" by Francine Rivers. (my favorite author, by the way). There's a passage in the garden where she makes the connection between God placing Adam and Eve in a garden... the Garden of Gethsemane... and how important gardens must have been to God for him to use them as such an important setting. She also makes a distinction between a park and a garden... a park is where you go to play but a garden is where you go for meditation and nourishment. I love that. So... whether it's in a topsy turvy or wherever... I want to make a garden for myself.

AND that... my friends... is the news from the nest today... must glam and dash. Love and hugs, y'all.

more reasons to love Monday...

Monday has been good to me... here's proof... I found a few more reasons to love it!

1. I found pomegranates in the grocery store today... perfect for my picnic I'm planning this week.
2. I had THE BEST broiled cod, tomatoes and yellow squash for dinner... served it over a mixture of jasmine and wild rice... I was singing the song, "red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight..."... I thought my meal was fitting for MLK day... it was all the colors of the rainbow. Cept green.
3. I had an AWESOME lunch today... spinach salad with beets, green peas, boiled egg, a little cheese, sunflower seeds with a spoonful of pasta salad (my favorite but must be enjoyed in small portions) and a big spoon of my fabulous quinoa, edamame, mung & black bean salad...
4. I even had a good breakfast today... baked sweet potato sprinkled with cinnamon... fat free greek yogurt with honey. THIS girl has eaten good today!
5. Just so you don't think that my moods are entirely dictated by food... I remembered to buy toilet paper today. That always makes me feel like a grownup.
6. I remembered to pay two of the three bills I needed to pay today. The other one was closed.
7. I bought another month of unlimited talk and text this month. Loving having talk on my cellphone again... and I've even been talking....
8. Happiness is having someone you want to talk to at the end of Monday... who actually wants to talk to you, appreciates talking to you, considers talking to you a pleasure... and you feel the same.
9. There were still quite a few patches of snow all around today. The rain is washing it away tonight... I'm sure... but it's been such a treat to look at, especially as the roads have cleared. Most of them. There are still a few that are iced over but hopefully that will improve with the rain.
10. This actually happened yesterday but it made me smile again today... I got a Christmas card in the mail from my friend Melissa in Minnesota on Saturday. Her sweet family always makes me smile. I stuck the card in my purse with my bills (on accident) so while I was frustrated at the bill paying process... I got another grin off Mel and her crew.
11. I'm watching the Thrashers and it's making for a good way to end the day.
12. Red Flag Guy is in love... not with me, of course... but I'm happy for him. The last two years have been filled with sadness and tragedy and it's nice to see him find love. Gives me hope.
13.... and the best reason to love Monday... is now... I'm tucking myself under the electric blanket and going to sleep. MONDAY IS OVER FOR ME! WOOHOO!

reasons to love blue Monday

Today is what is considered "Blue Monday"... the most depressing day of the year... apparently, it's the perfect combination of winter fatigue, distance from the holidays, realization of the impacts of the overspending from the holidays, realization that there are four more months until the next day off due to a holiday, distance to summer, etc...

So with THAT in mind... I'm going to do my best to find reasons to love Monday....

1. I went to bed with a nasty sinus headache. I've had them off and on for the past week or two. I don't remember. I just know that last night was a doozy. I woke up this morning with the headache ALMOST gone... progress...

2. I worked out both Saturday and Sunday so I don't have any "gosh, I can't believe I didn't exercise AT ALL this weekend" guilt.

3. I was very conservative with my money over Christmas. Some people didn't get anything from me. I didn't use my bill money for presents. I didn't put anything on a credit card... therefore... although money is tight right now because of the aforementioned three short paychecks in a row... at least I'm not facing big credit card bills. Gotta love that!

4. Gas in Georgia is averaging $3.02 a gallon. My car gets greeeeeat gas mileage. I love that! I am still impacted but less often and in a smaller way.

5. Austin had a totally cooperative day yesterday... no outbursts... offering to help... was almost downright pleasant.

6. I'm feeling very back on track with my weight loss. I believe this week is going to be the week I bust through the plateau. I'm looking forward to getting smaller, feeling better, being stronger, living longer...

7. I still have money left on one of the starbucks gift cards I got for Christmas... I am seeing a stop near the big green circle in my future. I think that might be the best way to break thru Blue Monday.

8. I would be remiss on MLK day if I didn't mention civil rights. It blows my mind to think there was a time when my beautiful niece and nephews would have been treated differently because of the color of their skin... to think that my beloved Bear couldnt' go where I go, do what I do, or have all the rights and priviledges that I do... only because of the color of his skin. Whatever else we've done wrong as a nation... no matter how far we still have to go in treating people the same despite their race, creed, national origin, sexual orientation, sex, weight, etc... I'm glad that we're not where we were.

9. It looks like we'll have mild weather all week. There is still snow on the ground... my backyard has a big patch still... that NEVER happens in Georgia, snow never lingers for a week past the weather event. It's bizarre... and old wives tales tell us that means another snow event is ON THE WAY this winter... but not this week. I need a full paycheck this go around and a little commission would be nice as well. I'm looking forward to a five day work week and some continuity and normalcy in my life.

10. No phone marathon last night... "not tonight dear, I have a headache"... but it's nice having a new (old) friend who understands where I've been. Kindred spirits, in a way. We've both had our share of shortfalls and shortcomings and hard knocks so I don't have to be embarassed with him about the mistakes I've made.

Time is fleeting and it's my early day at the office... staff meeting... good times... it's the third day on my hair so the full glam routine is required today. A long week stretches ahead of me and I intend to make it a good one... I want to be able to come here on Saturday morning knowing that I'm going to reap the rewards of my hard work and determination... Wherever you are, whatever you're doing this week... make it a good one... and when we come back to this topic NEXT Monday, we'll have even more reasons to love Monday.
*hugs*

about Purple Michael

I've been asked to say a few words about Purple Michael for a newspaper article highlighting his upcoming show. I don't know how to limit a decade of appreciation for someone like him to just a few words. He is, truly, the most magical person I've ever met.

One of my earliest memories of Michael came just after 9-11. My children were performing in a local production of The Nutcracker and he was appearing as Hans Stahlbaum (Clara's father) and Mother Ginger. Right before showtime one night he passed out... low blood sugar. There was a doctor in the audience who provided quick assistance and although Michael didn't perform in the first act, he was sufficiently recovered by the second act to put on the heavy Mother Ginger frame and multitudes of fabric and sauntered out on stage, bringing his usual comedic relief to an otherwise serious art form. That was my first glimpse of his magic.

I soon learned that working with Michael meant keeping an apple and a jar of peanut butter nearby... not because he has fragile health but because he is so passionate about performing that he forgets to eat. It wasn't unusual for me to have a crockpot of pinto beans simmering in his office as he worked with our local summer theatre program... my daddy would bring by homemade pimento cheese (we were in Georgia, you understand)... and we frequently received generous invitations to dinner. Everyone wanted to keep our magician on stage.

It was through that Summer theatre program that I began to witness Michael's amazing creativity. He had been hired to produce two shows that summer, Footloose - with a cast of teenagers - and Fiddler on the Roof - with a group of people of various ages and performing ability. One day during pre-production, he took his script into an empty theatre. I settled myself with a spiral notebook and fountain pen in the middle of the stage. He began pacing from one end of the stage to the other, flipping pages and enthusiastically talking me through the entire show while I took frantic and copious notes. In a matter of less than an hour, he brought that script to life before my eyes. I had limited experience in theatre at that point and was absolutely mesmerized by his ability to see into those words and not only create a vision but to impart that vision on others. His passion is contagious. You can't work with Michael without falling in love with live theatre.

Michael dreams big. He sees beyond the boundaries. He doesn't accept second best. He works tirelessly. Many nights I had to drive him home after rehearsal because he simply did not have the strength to operate a vehicle. He pours every ounce of his being into his productions. He always wants to make it better... brighter... more professional... he does everything he can to make sure his audiences leave knowing that they have seen something special.

Through our work in local theatre, I have watched many performers catch a spark for performing from Michael. Many of those young people have gone on to successful performing careers. I've always said that if you do something you're passionate about, you'll never work a day in your life... and because of Michael's influence, there is a generation of young people from our little neck of the woods south of Atlanta, Georgia, who will live their dreams out on stage, able to make a living without every really working.

Everyone associated with the theatre comes to accept the concept of a "show family"... you become extremely close and bonded to people during the run of a show, but when that show is over, you lose touch with most of them, until you perform together again. Michael doesn't. Michael remains an active part in the lives of the people with whom he's worked. He attends their performances, celebrates their successes and continues to guide them long after the curtain closes. He is passionate about the art, passionate about the performers and passionate about making the written word - and music - come to life.

He refers to me as his muse and it simply baffles me. How could I, small town Southern girl, be a source of inspiration for someone with so much passion and vision? To me, the magic is within him and I have just had the distinct honor of holding up a mirror before him so that he can catch a glimpse of that magic and hopefully, see what others see in him.

I wish I could say a few words about Michael. It's simply impossible to describe what he brings to the world of theatre - to the world in general - with only a few words. I love you, my dear! Break a leg!

what's cookin'?

It's been the perfect restoration kind of weekend for me... oddly, despite having a four day weekend last week... and two three day weekends in a row before that... and having all those sick days before THAT... I'm still kinda run down. Maybe it's because I've been nesting too much. Maybe it's the snow on the ground making me lazy. Maybe there's just a touch of bronchitis left... who can say for sure? But... Lord willing and the creek don't rise (or freeze) I'll be working five whole days in a row next week.

A week of work requires a little food prep on the weekend... although, truth be told, I haven't done much... being the end of the paycheck and a lean check at that. God is good and our pantry is stocked with lots of beans and grains and other staples that will allow us to eat healthy, yummy stuff for another week or two easily.... even despite my child's wasteful ways. He may not LIKE what we eat... but I do. No bi-polar grocery shopping for me... just gonna make the healthy stuff and he can eat or starve.

With that said... I really think I should teach a cooking class for people on limited incomes. It doesn't cost much to eat well. If you start with a few basic grains/beans and round it out with some good stuff... well... a little spice here and there... a fresh veggie or two... and it's just so good.

I'm still working through the quinoa bean salad that I made last week. Quinoa is expensive but it packs a lot of protein punch and can go a long way if you use it in a salad. I added mung beans and black beans this time around... with a package of broccoli slaw... red wine vinegar, olive oil, cumin and garlic... a little chopped cilantro and it's really, really good. I could eat it three times a day.

Breakfast this morning was steel cut oats cooked in my beloved rice cooker... spray the rice cooker with pam... toss in 1/2 cup of oats, 1 1/2 cups of water, a pinch of salt and turn her on! I didn't keep track of the time but it was maybe ten minutes... hot fresh oatmeal that doesn't boil over OR stick (thanks, Pam!) so it's as easy as wiping out the rice cooker with a paper towel. I added a little honey and margarine... I meant to add cinnamon since it's good for lowering blood pressure but I forgot. A bag of steel cut oats was $3.44 and it is enough for two weeks of breakfast for me, easily.

Right now my crockpot is bubbling away with a bag of dried pinto beans... I rough chopped an onion, threw in WAY too many garlic cloves, cumin, red pepper flakes.... and that will be nice later over rice or barley or whatever grain I decide to make. I might have a point splurge and make some cornbread in the iron skillet. I like adding a little rosemary and garlic into a plain old package of cornbread mix... when the cornbread is really flavorful, you don't want as much butter on it. Pintos - $1.25 for a bag... cornbread mix - $.45 per box... rice... $.89 per bag. The onion was ... less than a dollar, I guess? The whole deal less than $4 and it will make several meals.

I'm planning a picnic for later in the week with a buddy so I'll make a little rosemary garlic hummus to go with baby carrots. I'm doing taboule with canned tomatoes because the fresh ones in the market are looking like they came from outer Mongolia. Not that I have a problem with outer Mongolia... I just don't want to think about what they had to do to those tomatoes to keep them from rotting while transporting them to my store. I'll take my chances with canned. Not sure what else I want to do to round out the picnic... I was thinking of trying the quinoa salad with the inca red quinoa... it has a bolder taste... but I think it would make for a pretty salad with black beans, red onion, cilantro... maybe even avocado. The problem I have when I cook for other people is that my appetite is smaller than it once was... while i may eat a cup of some salad or other for lunch with a little veggie and hummus or a piece of fruit... most people eat more than that and I'm way too southern to let anyone leave my table hungry.

I had another extended phone conversation yesterday and the temptation to assign a nickname is KILLING me... I'm telling you... he could go so many ways... but regardless of what I call him, he's been good company and... anyone who can get me to even answer the phone... much less actually STAY on the phone... well, they've got some kind of magic. I just don't do the phone thing... but I have. Two nights in a row. Last night it was in excess of 4 hours. ON THE PHONE. It's ridiculous. I'm grateful.

My sweet friend Christy that I've known since high school and whose kids grew up with my kids.... and who went through a troubled marriage when I was going through a troubled marriage... and who has now found her happily ever after... offered me a buddy pass for a getaway weekend. I, of course, said, "SIGN ME UP!!!" and now I just have to work with her to figure out when I can go and what it will cost (buddy passes are offered by airlines to their employees to give to friends and family members... you can fly standby at a greatly reduced rate). I have a couple of possibilities I'm considering... I, OF COURSE, really want to get back to New York, especially since my brother has a fabulous new apartment overlooking Central Park that I'm dying to see... but I also want to be able to get to Chicago to see the show that Purple Michael is directing in February. I don't know if I can plan a trip that quickly, though, and I would worry about the weather getting in and out of Chi-town in the winter. NYC as well. It's ironic, if you read PM's comment on my blog yesterday saying that he was praying for a way to get me out there... at the very same time he was writing that, Christy was writing about the buddy pass. I guess in some people's eyes that's coincidence. I think it's providence.

I've enlisted the help of an accountability partner to keep me on track with exercise... but I will also try to remember to post it here so I can have another hundred or so accountability partners. I've said before that trying to lose weight without exercise is like trying to drive a car without a car. You just can't. Yesterday was a brisk walk around the steep hills of my subdivision... I came in sucking wind and collapsed on the floor. The kitties gathered around trying to figure out how to perform cpr... but... I rallied... did some stretching and felt good... physically and emotionally... about it. I'm about to hit the road now... although I think today it's gonna be an indoor activity. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hope your weekend has been exactly what you wanted it to be... mine certainly has... love and hugs, y'all!

stuck

Last night Austin wanted to make "healthy spaghetti" at about 11pm. Healthy meaning... whole wheat noodles with organic sauce... the sort of food I keep in my pantry for an end of the groceries / out of money time period like we'll be experiencing this month. I said, "sure... but save your leftovers for my lunch tomorrow". I got up this morning and the pan... full of leftovers... enought for 2-3 more meals... still sitting on the stove. I wanted to cry.

Yesterday I discovered all but one of my spoons in his room... coated with candle wax. My favorite latte mug that I use for soups... broken... three other mugs... shattered to pieces. I wanted to cry. I'm so frustrated with him. None of it makes sense. He has no conscience. I just feel like I have no options. The cellphone bill will not be paid when it runs out... that's the only thing I really have over him. I also found lots of food left out and wasted... the good deli meat... breyers ice cream...MY whole wheat croutons that I use on my salads. It's like he purposely wastes / ruins things to hurt me.

Money is tight. It will be even tighter until February since this was the third short paycheck in a row for me. The resources just aren't there for me to afford to constantly replace dishes, allow food to spoil. He doesn't care. If I try to talk to him he gets violent. It's so frustrating. I can't kick him out. I can't afford him. I can't handle the stress of fighting with him to try to get him to do the right thing and... getting mad at him, attempting to punish him, doesn't work any ways. I feel like I'm stuck.

Speaking of stuck... I went to weight watchers this morning and the plateau hasn't been broken yet. I think the fact that I'm acknowledging it's a plateau is a huge step. I haven't seen a LOWER number than the one posted at the top of my blog since I got sick at the beginning of December. I did have a 1.2 pound loss this week, taking me to 183.8 so I'm close.... it's going in the right direction. I had a good week of eating, despite being stuck in the house for two days. I know I'm on the right track.

The key is exercise. I know it. I believe it. I've lived it. I know that after so many months of weight loss you stop being able to move the scale by diet alone. I just am not doing it. I don't know why. I just don't. I told my NYC sister in law this morning that I'm making her my accountability partner... I'll email her whenever I exercise and then that way, if I don't email her... she knows I haven't done it and she can get on my case. And she will. She doesn't have that southern sweetness about her... she's no-nonsense. I know that once I get in the habit and start seeing results it will truly become habit for me. I'm like that... a creature of habit.

There's still a lot of snow and ice around but we'll have sunshine and warmer weather today so it won't be here much longer.

I had a really good time last night... a phone date, of sorts... I have been asked not to give this guy a nickname - he said, "call me by my real name"... but you know that's just not my style... I'm not one for naming names. We talked for 3 hours and 42 minutes... which for me... is absolutely unheard of. I hate talking on the phone... it's just that it requires your undivided attention and it's rare for me to enjoy anything enough to do just that one thing. I'm always multi-tasking. BUT... it was really fun... he's intelligent and witty and sort of edgy... it was a welcome change for me after all these country boys.

There are a lot of things that make him an improbable match for me so - in a way - it's a way for me to have a companion that doesn't hurt my heart because I don't see any real possibility. I've spent the past few months dwelling in possibility only to have rug after rug snatched out from under me - either they reject me or I reject them or it's just obviously not going to work. I'm tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed... and so... I'm going to enjoy this, knowing that there's only so far it can go. Geographically speaking, specifically... but there are a few other boundaries...

You know that feeling when you go thru a breakup and you want to cut your hair or do something drastically different? That's how I feel right now. I mean, Nice Guy was just a brief flicker of hope before it was dashed so it wasn't that I was emotionally invested... but after hearing from him, "I feel like I've known you my whole life" and other similar platitudes... I saw some real possibility for a good friendship that could grow... but he was the straw that broke the camel's back. Too many times of getting the complimentary emails... phone calls... bonding... seeing possibility... daring to hope/dream/see beyond my relationship plateau and believing that maybe this exile in the land of Single was coming to an end... only to be rudely deposited right back on it's barren shores again. I feel kinda bad for him because... whether he knew it or not... he really hurt my feelings... and I think he's the kind of person who would feel bad for making someone else feel bad.

And... I guess... if anything... the takeaway for me was... it's time to quit the online dating game. I was afraid that living in a small town, I'd never cross paths with a local guy unless he walked in my office or came to my church. I don't flirt with clients and I go to a women's bible study so... yeah... not meeting guys there... so I thought online dating would help. Nope. It knocked me back. I want a local guy because I do love this area and I intend to let my roots grow deep here. I would rather be single and live here than be in a relationship living somewhere else. Part of my discouragement from Nice Guy was from the realization that maybe I just don't FIT here. Or that... my role in this community is to be the crazy old cat lady... Aunt Heather...

Everything has a season, everything has a time... show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme... cats fit on the windowsill, children fit in the snow... why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go? Rivers belong where they can wander... eagles belong where they can fly... I've got to be where my spirit can run free... got to find my corner... of the sky... (that's from the musical, "Pippin")

Last night I dreamed I was in the theatre with Purple Michael... helping him produce a show... that's my heart running free, running away from all the things that have me stuck... and probably part of why I love him so much... when I'm with him, I feel like I fit. I don't have to apologize or feel guilty for who I'm not and what I'm not.

Ok... time for me to get moving... time to get unstuck... I can't make Prince Charming come riding in on a white horse... i can't make my kid act like he should... I can't put more money in my budget this month... but I can move my butt. That's what I'm gonna do.

And then... I'll settle in and watch the falcons! Rise up!

love and hugs, y'all.

yearning for spring

Sad to say but if my kid was a boyfriend or a roommate, I'd have kicked his grumpy self out a long time ago.

Yesterday I had to endure a violent outburst because I *dared* to remind him to throw away the trash he had left on the kitchen counter.

He has a bad habit of leaving packaging, boxes, empties... lying around until I throw them out.

For once, instead of throwing them away for him, I called him in the kitchen and asked him to throw them away himself.

We haven't spoken since.

Ugh.

There's still a lot of ice all around North Georgia. I'm weary of it!

How do you folks up north handle it?

The beautiful coating of white is wonderful to look at... but the ice on the roads, parking lots, sidewalks... ugh.

Kids have been out of school all week.

Payday is Monday and the banks are closed. This is no fun for girls like me who live paycheck to paycheck.

I'm waiting to see how much of an interruption there is in child support because of the weather. He'll use any excuse... and something like this will get him off track for a month.

Because... you know... kids don't eat when they're stuck at home from school for a week. Not a bite. He hasn't cost me a dime this whole time. *sarcasm*

Why am I so grumpy and bitter this morning?

The truth is... I felt a huge weight lift off of me with the decision to retire from dating again. No more marketing myself. No more worrying about trying to be charming. No more trying to see potential... trying to be open minded... trying to see beyond the flaws... with men who are looking for instant magic. Ugh.

Am I the only single person who realizes that no one is going to meet every single objective on my wish list for a partner? I dwell in the land of possibility... creativity... flexibility... in a town with a lot of people who are stuck in their ways.

It's like there was a Country Boy Mafia that organized over a poker game... or whatever these guys do for fun arond here... and the guy with the winning hand got the chance to break my heart that week... and once he was finished... I went to the next guy.

I've heard it said... that when you go thru hard times, you have the choice of becoming bitter or becoming better. (I think there's a third option... reaching for the batter... but that's just the former fat girl thinking)

I believe there's a fine line between becoming bitter and learning to read the writing on the wall. Apparently... I'm this crazy, outlandish "city girl" who commits such huge relationship crimes as NOT reading the King James Version of the bible... owning INDOOR cats... having gay men for friends... listening to showtunes.... ugh.

I've been willing to date men who were too short... too tall... too bald... who didn't eat as healthy as I would like... who don't like the same sports teams... who weren't in my league as far as looks are concerned. I look at people with an open mind... I don't look for the perfect man... I look for the man who is willing to enter into a adult relationship and to learn from each other. I look for someone who can teach me new things, who wants to experience the things I enjoy, who is open minded enough to know that sometimes it's ok to try something new.

I had really hoped to find a local boy. I've changed my mind about that. My experience has been less than pleasant.

In a related story, I've decided I need to offer to teach charm classes at the local high school.

The truth is that I love living here. I love the community. I love the way that people watch out for each other. I love the beauty of the mountains.

I just don't enjoy the series of rejections from these small town boys.

Am I getting bitter? Maybe. Just for long enough to vent and rant and rave and nurse my wounded feelings. I'll turn it into something better. I always do.

I think it's time for me to get serious about finding that little cabin in the woods to make my single girl's dream home for me and the cats. Time to start slipping coins into a mason jar to save up for it.

Time for me to look for a cheaper place so I can save for my little cabin.

Time for me to find things that I like to do that don't involve being stuck in the nest OR hoping for some hick to fall in love with me.

I need to make the most of this life I've been given and stop looking for someone to share it with.

I need to embrace the other relationships in my life... the great friends - male and female... and spend more time appreciating what I have and less time worrying about what I don't have.

The weather will be warmer today... the ice will melt away... and soon... spring, with all it's hope and promise, will be here in the mountains. New growth... new life... always comes after the dormant, stagnant, frozen time of winter. I'm ready for a little spring in my life too.