My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Monday, October 13, 2008

Walking on Water

I discovered that there is a light over my sink... and over the window over my sink... and it casts a really lovely glow on my Willow Tree figurines. Check them out at The most recent addition to my collection was this of the two sisters... from Jim / Angie / Sarabeth / Jamie. Sarabeth and Jamie posed like that for me when I opened the gift... it was sooo precious! There is another one that Angie gave me called "sisters of the heart" and it is just as beautiful. I never had a sister until Jim married Angie and I really treasure that relationship.

There is a cat meowing at the top of it's lungs right outside in the street. This is really agitating poor Stubby the three legged wonder cat. He keeps alternating between the open window and glaring at me to "do something about it".

Stubby had a cattitude yesterday. He has decided that the couch is his territory and that Austin and I should sit either on the loveseat or the recliner. If we got too close to him on the couch he would hiss at us. My mom's cat, Rosie, who is this huge ball of fur, squeezes herself into the tiniest boxes and that's where she wants to perch. Stubby wants wide open spaces for some reason. When I laid down on the couch to sleep he glared at me... I told him to get over himself. He did but he grumped a little under his breath. Great. Just what I need... a cat that talks back...

I need to go feed Angie's cat, Princess, this morning. Princess is not a friendly cat. Jamie always gives the disclaimer, "Our cat doesn't like people". She's not kidding. Their house is on the way to my office and I need to go there and finish up some stuff to get my outlook account and signon moved here. Hopefully it won't take long as I need to be back by 12 to wait on the DISH guy.

I made very little progress around the house yesterday. I just wanted to sit and sit and sit. Part of it is knowing that my little sojourn will end this week and I'll be back to a regular full time working schedule. Part of it is the fact that I've just been in such deep mud and having to drag myself through and out of it... I've worked hard... not just physical labor but hard, deep, emotional work... spiritual work... reinventing yourself is hard work! I know I'll get another burst of inspiration here today... and make some more progress around here... after all, my kitchen table and tv will be here today! Woohoo! And the DISH network guy will be here! I miss watching tv. It's a horribly extravagance but it's the bulk of our entertainment. We don't go out much... just church, school, work, the girls' soccer games... and home.

I'm stressing out a bit about money. The spiritual side of me believes that God will provide. He didn't bring me this far to end up having my car (which will be paid off in less than a year) repossessed. He didn't bring me this far to do without. God knows my fears... He knows that I believe that He CAN provide but I still sometimes wonder if He will and when He will... He knows that I look at the dwindling amount in my checking account and that I struggle to decide what has to be a priority and what has to wait. I get frustrated both by my lack of resources and also by my lack of faith. I get frustrated that I was put in this position... my commitment was to a marriage that lasted forever and my expectations were to have someone to journey with me throughout life. I got rid of all that I had - and am now having to replace all that I had - because I believed in love and in the commitment that I thought we made together. I stayed long after things went wrong because I feared exactly what I'm going through right now... how do I get a dollar out of fifty cents? Many times I would survey my situation and decide that staying there was one kind of heartache but leaving and being broke was yet another and either way I would be stressed... of course... I didn't really know then the full emotional toll that I was paying. I thought as long as I could keep faking it... that I'd keep making it. So not true!

But then I look at Austin and how much he's grown in the past six months and realize that winter is coming, faster than it would have in Florida and realize he has not one single pair of jeans that fit.... so I've got to make a thrift store run to at least get him outfitted enough to get through the first few frosty months. Austin's father is not paying child support.... oh... he sends a hundred dollars here and there... but nowhere near what he owes or is supposed to pay. And yes... I could take him to court but that costs money too. I think I'm going to look into Child Support Recovery and see if they can get him to honor his obligations. His answer is to have Austin move in with him... "um.... no!".

So much of my income on my new job will be commission based... in a time when the economy is in the toilet and people are cutting back and scaling down. Yes, people still have to have car insurance and homeowners insurance but the products that provide the most bang for my commissions buck are things like credit cards, bank loans, life insurance products... can I make enough money?

Here's what I'm reading today...

Matthew 14:22-33 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
Jesus Walks on the Water

22Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24but the boat was already a considerable distance[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

I don't know whether to say "amen" or "oh me". Peter could walk on water as long as he believed he could. But when the fear gripped him... he started to sink. It makes no sense that a man could walk on water. It makes no sense that I will be able to pay my bills or succeed in sales in a rotten economy. I have to believe that I can walk on water and I have to keep my eye on Jesus and keep walking toward him, no matter how the wind and waves crash up against me.
Time for me to have a little breakfast and get ready to go into the office for a bit. Hope you all stay on top of the water today. *hugs*


Estela said...

I love the picture on your side panel of you and "purple" Michael. I can understand your fears during this recession about commission based salaries. Just keep faithful.

Myra said...

It is your faith that has brought you to this very place. It is your faith that has brought you out of the depths of "that day". It is your faith that will keep you moving forward. You truly believe that. So do I. God's ways are not our ways.

Emmi said...

Keep the faith cause when you do it will never lead you wrong.

Traci said...

I know you said it costs to go to court but if my homeless ex-brother in law can sue my sister for alimony and win (evil man), surely you can get something going from your husband. He only got a temporary alimony but I'm sure it was enough to get him through his refusal to find a job. I'm not bitter! LOL

betty said...

I think this is the first time I am commenting on your blog; trust in the Lord, he never forsakes us or abandons us and he keeps his promises to meet needs, etc. Remember he can move mountains and he's always there 24/7. It is hard in these days to trust, but it is exactly in these days that we need to trust in him. hugs to you; I know it is hard


Peaceful Epiphany said...

I collect those Willowtree figurines too. I have 8 I think. Plus a plaque.

I like what MYRA IS your faith that has brought you out of the muddy waters this in God to show you a clear path to continue to move forward.

NO ONE...NO ONE can put you back into those muddy waters except YOU. So stay in the clear, and keep remembering God's promises.

moshell's lilbit of space said...

James 1:
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

He will provide for you always....

Unknown said...

God will absolutely bless your faithfulness. I can so relate to you, have been through so much myself, which is where I learned how dependable, how awesome our LORD is. You keep leaning on Him. He will come through. Always does! And always at exactly the right time. God bless you. Thanks for visiting my journal," A New Beginning."

Chris/cacklinrosie101 said...

God will see you through but I would go to court and try to get some spousal support. In Pa., it's $35 to file. I would also call about your car payment and explain the situation. You don't owe that much. They usually try to work with people who have been good customers. It's so easy to say it will all work out but I've been in your shoes, and it's so hard to let it go. HUGS

Beth said...

I hope all goes well for you with settling in, and your new job. I know that this is probably a scary time for you right now, but you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and a lot of faith!

Hugs, Beth