My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Thursday, May 6, 2010

when i am afraid i will trust in you

well, i slept last night.
a few hours anyways.
there will be no capitalization on this entry because i don't feel like it.
the shift key has been missing for months and it takes too much concentration to connect with the remaining little rubber knob.
gosh. i feel like such a loser.
my head is killing me.
i've cried so much i look asian.
it's just a car. just a stupid, stupid car.
you know how they say in survivor that fire means life in that game?
in the mountains, where everything is so far apart and there's no public transportation... cars mean life.
i didn't start driving when i was 16.
my parents didn't really have a car for me to practice on. my mother didn't drive at that time. i was scared. i don't know... i just didn't drive.
it was only when i was much older... around 28 or so... that i actually started driving.
for so many years i had to depend on my family and friends to get me where i needed to go.
it was inconvenient. it was frustrating. but the fear was in charge.
and then one day... my friend rachel's little girl got sick at school and rachel didn't have a car. she was going to walk the mile to my house to borrow my car to get her daughter. i thought about that sweet little rebecca sitting at school throwing up during all the time it was going to take her mama to walk to my house... and i said, "no.... I can drive"... and i did.
and from that day on i ventured a little further and a little further with my three boys in tow.
at first i would only drive to the ballfield.
and only to church.
both were less than two miles away.
and to the little swimming pond down the street where we'd pack a gallon of koolaid and a loaf of bread worth of pb&j sandwiches... buy a few cucumbers at the garden stand... and spend the day getting sunburned.
and gradually my circle expanded.
i gained confidence.
the need to travel further grew.
my marriage fell apart.
their dad stopped coming home.
i had to do what i had to do and i did.
it changed my life, both good and bad.
i was so scared to drive on the interstates in atlanta but cody had ballgames in distant parts of the city... so we'd load up the car and i'd have the kids help me merge by telling me when it was clear.
it's what i had.
but i always had a car.
and now i don't.
and i trust God. i do. completely.
i asked him the other day to put me in the place He wants me to be. to remove all the "me" from the picture. to move me from the stagnant place i've settled into.
i asked him to not let me sit, soak and sour.
ultimately... i was walking a tightrope with complacency.
i've lived behind the 8ball for so long that i stopped letting it stress me out.
to the point of doing nothing, even in a time of urgency.
i had the money and could have made ONE payment since i got paid on monday and this would not have happened.
but i didn't and it did and all i can do is move forwardin the light of this current reality.
i called my brother jim last night as they pulled the car away. he's a pastor and psychologist and generally unflappable.
his role in this life, i'm convinced, is to calm the crazed women in his life.
he said there would be a solution. he sounded confident. he said "we can't do anything until you talk to the bank in the morning"... and he said, "don't lose sleep over it"
and then he got his wife, my sister in law, to call.
i'm convinced that God made me the only girl in a house full of boys because growing up, i was about all the "girl" one house could handle.
and i'm convinced that God, in His wisdom, knew that the older i got, the more i would need sisters.
and He gave them to me.
we talked for a long time.
me and bubba had talked about the facts.
me and angie talked about the feelings.
i played out all the "what ifs" and worst case scenarios all night.
i'm exhausted.
i don't know what today will hold. i don't know what the answer is. i don't know if i'll end up losing everything i've pieced together in the past 18 months since the last time i lost everything.
i just don't know.
this is the verse that i turned straight to this morning:

when i am afraid i will trust in you.
psalm 56:3


Barbara said...

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is 'shifting' sand. My version that I have had to stand on the last couple weeks. Keepin you in my prayers.