come play on my mood swings... an emotional day in the life of me

I've got a dozen different ways this blog could go today... but I think maybe I'll just show you a day in the emotional life of Heather. Let's recap yesterday, shall we?

6am feeling peaceful... playing online... blogging... catching up on emails... happy, happy, joy, joy
7am battling with the truant child... feeling stressed... discouraged.. alone
8am left late for work due to battle with child... eating pumpkin and barley while driving behind a woman who apparently is on a Sunday drive... driving 10 miles below the speed limit. feeling road rage... anxiety about being at work on time... remember I haven't paid Austin's insurance premiums. Feeling forgetful.
8:30 am phone call from the parent advocate at the school regarding Austin's absences and subsequent danger of failing 11th grade. explain my lack of support, inability to make him cooperate. hang up the phone feeling discouraged. tearful.
9am co-worker out sick. busier than usual. paperwork missing on a life case i started in August. it's the life case that never ends. began discussion with Duane about what caused the problem. I am not in the mood to recap... feeling rushed and frustrated.
10am client comes in to make changes to her policies. her husband of 49 years, a salty, gruff old fellow who I adored has passed away unexpectedly in the past month. shift my energy to comforting grieving client... cry with her... i understand her sense of loss. Silently offer up a prayer for God to provide... share my faith with her that God always fills in the gaps for us... and also pray that God will bring someone into my life that I will love as deeply. Feeling sadness for this dear lady but rejoicing with her in the hope that she has - not only that her husband is with Jesus but that Jesus will meet all her needs in this new stage of life.
11am working what I call "the Loser List"... calling people who are behind on their insurance premiums. not every agency does this... we find it helps us keep business on the books. sadly, my name is on the loser list. feeling... like a loser.
12pm my usual lunchtime... delayed because I am picking the girls up from school. have a quick bite at my desk. realize I never finished breakfast. don't finish lunch either. take a quick peek at CNN and FoxNews to see what's going on in the world. Decide I don't want to know what's going on in the world and resume working the loser list. Feeling... out of touch with the world.
1pm co-worker goes to lunch. feeling tired. compose email to proposed suitor explaining why our relationship isn't a good idea. hit send. feeling... like I'll be single for the rest of my life. feeling guilty for not being able to reciprocate feelings of proposed suitor. receive text from Red Flag Guy... intensifies feeling of relationship hopelessness... but appreciate the friendships I'm building along the way. Feels... bittersweet.
2pm other co-worker supposed to go to lunch so that I can leave for lunch at 3pm to pick up the girls. other co-worker drags his feet... he likes a very late lunch. i gently remind him that I have to go at 3 and he has to be back then. He still tarries. Feeling like a nag... and again, feeling stressed.
3pm grab my afternoon snack since I never finished breakfast or lunch. get in the car and head for the girls' elementary school - about a five minute drive from my office. Open my little container of chicken salad and find a bug. Extract bug... dig whole grain cracker from my bag and... find a bug. Is this the same bug as before? Did I fail to properly extract? Is there a whole colony of bugs? How did they survive the refrigerator? Is the chicken salad contaminated? Feeling confused and hungry. Decide to discard chicken salad. Girls get in the car... they are always initally shy and reserved. It dissipates quickly... in less than sixty seconds. Chatter begins... competition for Aunt Heather's attention ensues... cries of "Sister... I was talking"... "Aunt Heather, are you listening". Aunt Heather explains she can hear both at the same time because she has two ears. Feeling... content.
3:30 pm make a stop at the local Dairy Queen for two hot fudge sundaes, one no sugar added dilly bar and a cup of ice (Jamie's request) (she never used it). drive to the local college amphitheatre for an ice cream picnic. the sky is blue, the clouds are puffy, the temp is 57 degrees, the girls are happy and chatty, I am eating ice cream. Feeling... delighted. Listen for the chapel bell to ring 3:45 so we can return to my office.
4pm settle girls in behind my desk to make bookmarks out of leftover office materials and Aunt Heather's ever present sharpie collection. catch up on scanning and other paperwork that requires little concentration so that I can multi-task with girls. feeling thankful for a boss who will indulge me a little double duty with my favorite girls. The phone rings... Jamie hollers at me, "are you gonna get it?" texting again with Red Flag Guy about picnic... possible road trip to the beach. Feeling thankful for our friendship.
5pm counting money. girls amazed at the process. enjoying "faith bands" silly bands that tell a bible story. check out website and plan to order more. girls argue over bible story of David and Goliath. Angie comes to pick up girls... we clean up, gather their things, chat with the boss, girls get a little antsy... feeling tired. Drive home. Debate stopping for gas as I will need it for Wednesday but... don't want to. Feeling like a procrastinator.
6pm Austin still in foul temper but his resolve is fading. Fill cats completely empty water and food bowls even though Austin was home all day. Realize clothes in dryer are still damp. Realize I never stopped to pay power bill. Realize I don't have the energy to fix dinner, even though it only involves heating things up. Realize I'm not hungry because of the ice cream picnic. Turn on news. Walk past exercise ball in the middle of the floor and realize I'm too tired to exercise. Turn on laptop. Settle into the nest with a glass of wine and a box of almond nutcrisps. Feeling... like I have a lot of unfinished business. Feeling overwhelmed.
7pm Grill a piece of chicken after chiseling about a months worth of char off of the George Foreman grill which Austin has been using. Remember that I had cleaned it carefully only a few days before. Feeling aggravated. Finish wine. Feeling relaxed.
8pm watch Biggest Loser, hoping to find inspiration from the show. Remember why I hate it. Give up and change channel to watch Sugar Bowl. Austin asks about meeting i have scheduled today at his school regarding his truancy. I'm still angry at him. I tell him I will miss work because he can't be bothered to go to school. He asks if he should go to the meeting. I tell him I don't care. I do care. I'm feeling angry. Still.
9pm facebook. feeling lazy.
10pm Parenthood comes on. Love this show! Austin decides to try to make peace. Tries to negotiate. I stonewall him. He starts cleaning the living room... the thing that began our disagreement 26 hours before. I'm trying to go to sleep. He keeps coming in my room asking where I want this thing or that thing. I ask him to shut my door. I'm feeling... accomplished that he understands... but sleepy.

Good night.

newsday tuesday, starting the year off right!

Started the new year off with a blast yesterday at work... sold my first life policy of the year! Hopefully that's a sign that this year will be better for me financially... I'm so tired of being broke.

Last night I dreamed that I went on a shopping spree at Old Navy and when I got to the check out counter, my fabulous sister-out-law in NYC was waiting with my brother's credit card... tee hee... HOPE THAT's a sign that there's a trip to NYC in my immediate future! (although y'all really don't have to take me shopping).

Austin was completely uncooperative yesterday... was a complete little pain in the rear last night... I woke up this morning to find a thin layer of lemonade powder all. over. the. kitchen floor. Heather doesn't like having to sweep the kitchen before she can make coffee. That better not be a sign of things to come.

I got in touch with an old friend yesterday... when I was a young working mom I met a sweet, Christian lady who taught me so much about having a relationship with the Lord, not just about having a religion. I was raised "in church"... but for a large part, it was an intellectual relationship, not an emotional relationship. I knew all the stories... I didn't know how much He loves me. She opened up that world for me... she lived her faith in a way I had never seen before... in a non-preachy, non-judgmental way. She was one of those Christians that made you actually WANT to be a Christian... I wanted to be like her. For years I've had her recipe for ritz cracker pie on my fridge... not because I make it that often... but because it reminded me of her sweet spirit. WELL... she is FINALLY on facebook and we reconnected yesterday. I am so looking forward to having her influence in my life again. Hope that's a sign that revival is coming into my life.

It's cold outside. January in Georgia is like a box of chocolates.... you never know what you're gonna get. Right now it's 31 degrees.

I put together a cute outfit yesterday... the dress my mom bought me for Cody's wedding that I ended up not wearing to the wedding because I realized that the dress I bought first that Marquee thought didn't match the colors but it ended up really did (still with me?) and I wore it... well... the dress mom bought me matched perfectly with this really cute scarf I bought last week while my co-worker's daughter was filling in for her friends who own a gift shop... and the scarf was marked way down... and the whole thing went together really well with my cutie patootie black boots that I love... and so I felt really put together yesterday (which doesn't happen often enough).

It's January 4th... are you still keeping your resolutions? I've eaten on plan all the live long year. No problem. I did have a MAJOR Little Debbie craving yesterday... I wanted an oatmeal creme pie and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I also wanted nutty bars and swiss cake rolls and those little white cakes... mmmm. So, to battle that craving, I completely and totally avoided even going near any store where those evil little treats are sold. Instead... I enjoyed half an ounce of this really awesome lindt dark chocolate with a touch of sea salt. It made me really happy. And then I went to bed.

I didn't exercise yesterday. I can't even pretend that I had any activity above and beyond my usual slothfulness. It was a marathon day... had to be at work early for staff meeting... RIDICULOUSLY busy all day at the office... it was payday so I had to run to the bank on lunch... left work and went immediately to my friend's house so she could sign her life insurance application... came home and found that Austin had been completely worthlesss and created a big mess at the house... went a few rounds with him... spent more time than usual on the phone (y'all know how I hate to talk on the phone)... and then was just completely worn out. And another day is gone without exercise.

My friend Tami who I grew up with... and who now lives here in the hills (there are a few of us southside kids who found our way to the hills)... is taking a Zumba class at the local YMCA. I may join her for one class a week. I think having an exercise buddy would help. As long as nobody points and laughs... but... even if they do... if I get my chubby self in shape, I'll have the last laugh, right?

Got a bit of a tummyache this morning. Ugh. I've got a bad case of the "I don't want to's"... and the "Do I really have to's" are coming right behind. I guess I better wrap this up... start the glam routine... find something so cute to wear that I couldn't bear not to share it with the world. Or... with White and Habersham counties, anyways... and go back out into the big, bad world and make some money. This afternoon I have the pleasure of picking up the Gant girls from school and I am. SO. EXCITED! I love doing the afterschool pick up thing but I'm sort of the ride of last resort since there are other people available who don't actually have to leave work to get them. I couldn't do it every day but it makes me giddy to do it. I love that burst of after-school enthusiasm.

Must wake the bear. Love and hugs, y'all!

reasons to love Monday

I'm trying to think of an opening line for my Reasons to Love Monday blog entry this week and the only words that are coming to mind are:

ARGH! and

UGH!

I don't want it to end.

I don't want the holidays to be over.

I don't want to climb out of the nest and go back to the real world.

So... bear with me... I'm going to do it... but I may have to reach a bit.

1. I washed my hair yesterday so- since I only wash it every other day - I don't have to fix my hair this morning.

2. I get to wear my new cute boots again. I love them. Will post a picture soon.

3. I exercised yesterday so I am not starting my week with lack of activity guilt.

4. I already got that whole accidentally writing the wrong year thing out of the way last week when I prepared my marketing lists and wrote 1/7/10 as the date for this upcoming Friday.

5. All those clients who didn't want to buy financial products "until next year"... have to come up with a new excuse.

6. Jamie's birthday party is Saturday and I already bought her a cutiepatootie little gift - or two.

7. I have weigh in on Saturday - no more excuses for me either.

8. I ate within my points every day this year, so far. No more indulgences and no more post-indulgence regret!

9. Purple Michael is headed home to Chicago. I'm not happy that he's leaving but I know he's ready to be home after a long two months here in Atlanta. And he's always just as close as my computer or phone.

10. I like routine. Return to routine is not a bad thing for me.

11. My sweet kitties are washing each other behind the ears instead of having a hissy fight this morning.

12. Lots of good food in the house to eat. I've got a batch of red quinoa and lentils made up... I've got mung beans cooked... some beautiful squash that may find its way into my breakfast. I've got healthy, antibiotic free meat in the house... and my kid is eating it without complaining. Much.

13. I feel good today. I spent a month waking up with the icks. Today I feel healthy, strong and glad to be alive.

14. I bought an exercise ball yesterday with some of my gift money. It was just the spark plug I needed to get interested in exercise.

15. Looking forward to a picnic with a friend on Wednesday.

16. Also on Wednesday, looking forward to getting back together with my hen party.

17. My dirty birds have homefield advantage all the way thru the playoffs! Go Falcons!

Wow! I did it! I found reasons to love Monday!

I have been working on a weight loss tips and tricks post for all y'all... as much to remind myself as to preach to the masses. That will be my next post... had to work on my atttitude this morning so we needed the Reasons to Love Monday entry.

Have a great day, safe travels... and Happy 2011!

my treasures...

Kitties love electric blankets. How's that for an opener? That's pretty much what's happening in my world at the moment... me, the kitties and comfort.

Some people only blog when they have something to say. I'm not sure if it benefits anyone but I talk whether or not I have anything interesting to talk about.

I realized we have about five new movie channels on our satellite that I had never noticed before. Lots of movie watching ahead for me.

It will help balance the butchness of all the football I've been watching.

And I'm watching more today... the Falcons last regular season game.

I know it's atypical but I don't care. I grew up in a house with four brothers and one tv. I learned to love sports.

But I think it's deeper than that... I've mentioned before that I'm a fan of fans. I'm fascinated by the passion behind sports.

I believe, though, that women approach sports differently than men.

For women... there's an emotional approach to sports. Our allegiances to teams come from more deeper rooted things... the people we associate with the teams. I love Kentucky basketball because a man who was a long time friend and companion was a huge Kentucky fan. I love Florida football because during the Darby-era the happiest times were our football watching times. Michael was not affectionate... rarely at all... but he used to kiss me once for every point Florida scored.

I will always associate Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow with those happy times. Some of the few times I could count on being with my husband.

The Falcons remind me of those great Sunday afternoons I spent with the girl I refer to as my "godsister" because I always called her parents my "godparents" although they weren't officially. I spent a lot of time with them growing up and they indulged me in a lot of things I would have otherwise missed out on, as the second of five kids in a less priviledged family. My godparents had season tickets to the Falcons games and it was my "duty" to spend the afternoon with their daughter while they were at the game. From the time we were eleven or so, those Sunday afternoons we were able to experience our first taste of independence while they were at the games. They had a lake place on Lake Lanier and when they weren't at the game, we were at the lake watching the game. They were the ones who explained the game of football to me... four chances to ten yards... up to the end zone to score. I always think of them when I watch the Falcons.

Cody went to his first FSU game on Friday night. He's loved FSU for years... not sure why, exactly... but he's passionate about this team and it was a great treat for him. I watched the game and rooted against my beloved SEC conference for once... because I wanted my son to have the BEST time possible. His team won.

His passion for FSU reminded me of my passion for every. single. team. Cody ever played on... I was always his biggest fan.

Women just feel it differently. For guys it's about the prowess and the physical ability and competition... for women, it's the connection they feel to their team and the reasons behind it.

Just like I associate showtunes with the fabulous men in my life who introduced me to Broadway musicals. The first time I ever heard the musical Wicked was with Joey... he said, "you've got to hear this...." and he played highlights from the CD and explained the show to me.

Working on shows... loving people who are passionate about theatre made me love theatre. And any time I hear showtunes, I'm able to reconnect - at least in my heart - with the people who shared their love with me.

I didn't start my New Year off with much of a bang... only got about ten minutes of exercise in... put away a load or two of laundry... spent a lot of time in the nest.

I. Will. put my butt in higher gear today.

The thing is... like the bible says... where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Your heart = your passion and your energy. I have to learn to treasure physical activity and the benefits it will bring into my life. I have to find that passion... because I know that my personality causes me to focus my energy (limited though it may be at times) on my passions... like football, theatre, nutrition... it has to matter more than the other things I spend my time on.

If you have resolutions for this year... you have to figure out have to make those goals, wishes, dreams and hopes for your life your treasure. You have to approach those changes that matter to you with the intensity of a football fan... the passion of a person in love... the zeal of an evangelist... you have to make that goal your treasure and focus your energy toward it.

OR.... you can wake up on January 1, 2012 with the same unachieved goals... and make the same resolutions again... and know that another year of your life has gone by without you being the person you want to be.

With that... I'm going to climb out of the nest... take off the pjs that I've been wearing since last year (never got dressed yesterday) and become passionate about the things that matter to me.

new blog for you to read!

As promised... here is the link to Crunch&Munch's new blog:

http://closertohome6.blogspot.com/

His blog is about HIS journey and it starts with a traumatic experience in childhood. I've known him since junior high school when he was just the weird LITTLE guy in our gifted class and had no idea what he was going through at the time.

We dated in the past (and may date again some time, stay tuned)... I'm NOT "7" that he mentions in his blog but our dating relationship was compromised by some of the same circumstances... plus... I wasn't ready yet to date and would not/could not feel good about dating until my marriage was legally ended (which didn't happen until last January).... and until his marriage is legally ended (and it's not... yet....)

Anyways... check him out, follow his blog if you like and leave an encouraging comment so that he benefits from this transparency and vulnerability that us bloggers endure.

Blogger Babe Tour 2011

I mentioned this in my Resolution entry a little while ago... help me plan an itinerary.... although this is purely fantasy at the moment... if I was going to travel around the country spending time with my Blogger Babes and Buds... where would I go?

Audience participation time, y'all... comment with your geographic location and WHY I should make your town a stop on the tour...

resolutions and the revised/updated "must love cats" list

Yesterday was a perfect balance and completely unstressful for me. I left later than I meant to for the southside and still made it where I wanted to go exactly at the time I wanted to be there.
Mom's house to pick up Austin - check.
Stone Mountain to see Purple Michael - check.
Nice lunch with Austin - check.
Pick up quinoa (two different kinds!) - check.
Home by dusk - check.
Settled in the nest in time to watch football and ring in the New Year - check!
Even had a little child support waiting for us - check! Literally... a check! (or money transfer, same dif)

I've got a little bit of a headache this morning. Started the day with one yesterday as well. But... no worries... I'm tucked in the nest and have no obligations or expectations on me today so I can just ride it out.

I guess you're wondering what my resolutions for 2011 are... me too. I mean... I haven't actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case would be)... but I know what I want to happen over the next year...

I want to continue to lose weight... not because I'm trying to be a covergirl because honestly, I'm very comfortable with the way I look, even at this weight... but because I want to be at the weight that is most conducive to a healthy lifestyle. I want to feel good. I want to have the energy I need to do the things I want to do. Plain and simple.
I want to be more active... I want to be less of a couch potato (or nest potato, I suppose) and more adventurous. This harkens back to what I said about being such a creature of habit... I've got to get into the HABIT of exercise/activity. I'm not sure I will every habitually go to the gym but I can definitely habitually hula hoop every night... or zumba... or do yoga/pilates (which I love)... I can walk more... there's a lot I can do to get my butt in gear that I will enjoy... and if the benefit is that my less than perfect lungs become stronger and these stupid bouts with bronchitis will be less likely.
I want to build my spiritual and emotional health this year. There's so much more I want to know about the Bible... I want a closer walk with the Lord. Angie gave me a ring with the word "faith" engraved on it. I've never had a problem with HAVING faith... I believe in God and I believe He will protect me and provide for me but I've been lazy about LIVING my faith... about sharing it, putting feet to that faith and being FAITHFUL to the one I have FAITH in.
I want to continue to learn more about nutrition and what makes our bodies work best. I want to share that knowledge with you along the way.
I want to do a better job at connecting with the people I love... I want to be present in their lives. If I can't be geographically present, I want to do a better job at correspondence: email, snail mail, phone calls, texts. I have coccooned too much.
I want to travel more this year. For the past two years money has not permitted. Even if they're just day trips... I want to explore my world. I'd LOVE to take a tour of the country... stopping in to visit with my favorite blog readers/writers... I'm studying the feasability of it... mapping it out... considering the cost... I figure... I could do a trip through New York, Philadelphia, Chicago... but... again... this is just me daydreaming (unless there's a wealthy benefactor who wants to sponsor a blogger babe tour for me??? anyone??? Bueller? )
This year I'd like to find a significant other. There are a lot of random insignificant others in my life at the moment... potential suitors that I'm vetting, so to speak... and I'm enjoying that process and the attention of these Gentlemen in Waiting... but... I'm a creature of habit, I'm not big on change... I'd like for there to be just one, forever kind of guy who will be a lifetime companion and friend for me. I realize this is a big goal... but that's the true desire of my heart.

With that in mind... while I was driving yesterday and had a lot of time to think (as my CD player in my car is now kaput... right in the middle of me and Austin belting out "Cabaret"... alas... so I was left alone to my thoughts)... and I am much more cognizant of what I need in a mate.

Let's call this, "Must Love Cats, Revised".

He must be available... geographically, emotionally and literally. He has to have time for a relationship.
He must be kind. I love to joke around and ... as I'm frequently reminded... I have pretty sharp "male" wit. But I don't want to be with anyone who wants to make me the butt of his jokes.
He must love cats. For real.
He must be a person of faith but not a judgemental person. My belief is that you can love people out of a whole lot more than you can judge them out of. I want a man who will encourage me in my faith... help me grow in faith... go to church with me... pray with me...
He must have a sense of adventure... be flexible... spontaneous... and yet, understand my need for stability and predictability and routine in life. (tall order? oh well... you have to dream big)
He must desire a healthy lifestyle. I'm easily led astray. Anyone who overindulges will increase the risk that I will overindulge. I need someone who will appreciate how excited I am about the inca red quinoa and mung beans I found yesterday. Someone who doesn't scoff at the extra expense of antibiotic and hormone free chicken... because it is so important (I believe) to my health and well being.
He must be willing to be transparent... intimacy means so much more than getting nekkid... it's about being willing to share your life, throw open the closet doors and let the skeletons come tumbling out. And he can't be too private to appear in my blog... because it's inevitable.
He must be diverse enough to appreciate a conservative southern baptist who likes an occasional glass of wine with her gay best friend.... he must appreciate the delicate balance of Turner Classic Movies and ESPN that makes up my weekends.... as Austin pointed out yesterday, you have to love showtunes to love me... it's the fortunate inevitability of me.

(I reserve the right to amend this list at will... and will)

One of the funniest moments in my day yesterday was when my sports ignorant youngest child tried to show that he had spent time with his sports loving brother and father... he announced that he knew who was in the "Super Bowl" - "Auburn and.... some other college..." When I stopped giggling I said, "honey... the Super Bowl is professional football... Auburn is a college team"... He didn't get the difference. However... we were listening to my favorite showtune collection and he commented that AT LEAST he knew the words to Cabaret. So there you go. I've got one kid who was cheering his favorite team on last night in the Chickfila Bowl and another who knows every lyric to every showtune on my favorite CD. AND my oldest does both.

The blog readers are clamoring for my first 2011 post... I'll wrap this up for now. *waves to Melissa in Minnesota*... Whatever you do this year... do it better than you did last year... *love and hugs!*