split personality?

Here's a great comment from my friend Lyn... I started to just comment below it but I thought it might be good to make it a real entry. Really a thought provoking question/statement...

You seem far more confident on "paper" than in real life..almost all social events that you plan you cancel other than going to bible study and anything tha involves Michael. You get invited to a lot of things you don't got to..you like to IM and text but not talk on the phone (except recently) You seem to be pretty much a loner except for going to work and church. You rarely have anyone come to your home and you don't seem to have girfriends..you know to go for a drink with..shopping that kind of thing. Now don't get pissy..you asked..LOL and I am a bit of a hermit myself so I am certainly not judging!!!! I have just always thought you appearar so bubbly and outgoing on your blog and FB but in real life not so much... am I right??

It's funny because I have people who say to me that I'm extremely confident and yet... I have sort of an inferiority complex. I always feel like I'm gonna be the last kid picked for kickball. I think more than anything... I really just don't try to market myself or live up to any social obligations. There's a saying, "if there's something you really want to do, nothing can keep you from it... if it's something you really don't want to do, nothing can make you do it".... and that's sort of how I live my life. I don't do things I don't want to do.

I do have girlfriends... really, amazing girlfriends... I've had (and still have) the kind of people in my life who are friends for a lifetime. I tend to have the kind of people in my life who I can pick up with at any time without feeling like there's been any interruption even though it may be 5 years in between the times we get together.

I'm a homebody... not necessarily a hermit... but my job requires me to be really social so when I'm not on the clock, I tend to be anti-social. I struggle with going into social situations as a single person (that's the confidence thing) and often feel sort of on the outside looking in.

There is a part of me that feels above/below the fray... I've had a discussion with others who have had near death experiences and there seems to be a common thread... you just realize that life is too short to spend time doing things you don't want to do. I don't trust people and I purposely try to make sure there's not anyone in my life that I NEED. I try to make sure I'm completely happy with just me... and maybe I've taken that too far.

I'm wired more like a guy than a girl, even though I'm very feminine... I don't like to treat shopping as a social event, it's business to me... and I would rather spend a day watching football than giggling with my girlfriends.

I definitely need to be more social... and there are several people here "in real life" that I'd like to spend more time with... I think that's a great observation, Lyn and it's rather ironic considering that when I moved to Jacksonville, you were the ONLY person I knew there... and yet... I never saw you the whole time I was there. I know that had everything to do with the situation I was in... but it's really crucial to understanding why I am a bit of a loner... if people can/will turn away from you based on the decisions you make in your life... is it worth building those relationships in the first place?

I don't like surprise visits... I tell people that my welcome mat says, "call first"...

going back to that, "if you really want to do something" statement... Michael is the kind of person that I can be myself with... there are few people in the world that I feel that way about. His love is so unconditional that I know I can be my real self with him and not be judged. He feels the same... as a performer, people expect him to always be charming, gorgeous, witty... and sometimes he doesn't feel like being any of those things. Sometimes I don't feel like being the girl I am on paper.

My closest friends here in the mountains are my bible study girls and that's why I hardly ever miss bible study. The teaching is amazing but the fellowship is my lifeline. Alisa is the only girl out of five kids, just like me, and she has that "male" sense of humor that I do. She and I tease each other without being afraid of hurting each others feelings. Cyndi is a "yankee" and she's been through a lot of hard times... she's very frank and honest and we connect on that level. Angie is a single mom, she's been hurt in the same ways that I have, life hasn't always been good to her but she is loving and giving and accepting... that's why we are so bonded. These are the people I trust the most here.

My sister-in-law Angie (not to be confused with bible study Angie) is the person I would consider my best "real life" friend... but she is so busy that it's almost impossible to spend time with her. Whenever she asks... I'm available. My friend Natalie, who I absolutely love, adore and respect, is similar to Angie. And honestly, there are quite a few people here in the hills that I would love to spend time with but can't because they are so busy. And, to some degree, some of the ladies that I would like to spend time with, I can't because I work full time and they don't. Their free time is during the work day when their kids are in school... my free time is in the evening. We connect online and we bond online...

As for the phone... I'm too a.d.d. for phone conversations. When I talk to someone, I try to give them my undivided attention and it's rare that I want to/am able to just sit and do nothing but chat. HOWEVER... when I do talk to someone on the phone... they know that they have my undivided attention and they know that I'm intentionally spending time with them. The phone guy (ha! he ended up with a nickname) is a really intelligent person who is able to carry his end of the conversation. When we're on the phone, he truly DOES capture my attention and imagination. I so thoroughly enjoy talking to him that I don't mind the time on the phone. Usually I'm just annoyed by being on the phone... he doesn't annoy me.

I am, however, truly bubbly and outgoing. I consider myself an antisocial extrovert. Anyone in real life want to weigh in?

Thank you, Lyn, for giving me the opportunity to think these things over. I definitely need to be more intentional about social interaction...

trolling for comments - audience participation time

I am determined to write an entry where I discuss neither the weather nor my health. I am also starved for human interaction, having been basically stuck in the nest for the past six days. I've been talking to the cats so much that I'm not even sure if I remember how to use consonants in my speech. "u needz uh num-nums?" So... I'm going to pose a series of questions for my blog readers. Answer them all... answer one or two... answer here, on facebook or email me at julydarby@aol.com ... I don't care... just pull up a chair and TALK TO ME, please!

1. How do you know me? Real life of cyber world only? If you know me in real life, when was the last time you saw me?

2. Name, age, location?

3. How often do you stop by?

4. How do you get here? (computer, phone, etc..) Do you connect via google reader / facebook link/ what?

5. How long have you been reading my blog?

6. What subjects would you like me to blog about?

7. If you could ask me ANY question and I had to give a completely honest answer, what would you ask?

8. Do you blog? Here's your chance... leave a link so that my readers can connect with you... and if you leave a link I promise to pimp your blog in a future entry!

9. Are you married or single? Kids or no kids? Gay or straight?

10. Who is your favorite "character" in my blog?

Ok... that should give everyone something to respond to... don't let me down, y'all... at least say hello!

observations from the nest

I've had a lot of time to think lately... I mean... I was sick with the bronchitis and stuck in the house... then the holidays with their long weekends... the snow that kept us stuck at home... and this recent round of misery... I've been here... just me, the cats, the laptop, the cellphone, the electric blanket, the remote and... my thoughts.



I'm learning a lot here in my nest... I thought I'd share a little bit of that wisdom with you...



1. Lawyers don't like insurance companies. They talk real ugly about us all day long. I try not to take it personally... but... geez... if we REALLY didn't pay claims, how long do you think we'd stay in business?



2. My child is severely lacking in compassion. I'm hunkered over the toilet... dry heaving... and he sticks his head in the door... not to offer me a cold compress... not to hold my hair back... not to ask if I need anything. Nope. He wants to complain that we're out of ground beef and he can't grill a burger. When... he wants to know... will I be going to the store?



3. Anonymous comments have no place in the blogosphere. Anonymous people, even if they give themselves a "name"... are able to act without conscience. This blog is a blog with a conscience, therefore everyone who leaves their impression must have a conscience. There's no room in my life for meanness. (read previous post)



4. Dr. Oz is a big old geek. Adorable but geeky. Twice this week I've seen him dance... or attempt to... but it's sweet and charming that he attempts knowing he can't do it. Or. Maybe he doesn't know he can't?



5. I have a hard time asking for help. I've had several offers of "do you need anything" from people who I KNOW sincerely want to help and instead... I tried to catch myself in between the pain/nausea cycle and make a quick run to the market. I was miserable. I was literally praying my way through, afraid that I was going to require a "clean up on aisle 3"... oy.



6. My doctors office provides horrible customer service. I called yesterday morning at 8am and said, "gee, i'm really not doing well... " and explained to the nurse what my current reality is. She said, "I'll give the doctor a task and have her call". Instead... the nurse called back four hours later and said, "we're going to change your pain medicine". Nice. Sure. Whatever. I waited THREE hours and then went to the pharmacy and they still hadn't called in my new prescription... which means... I have to get BACK OUT whenever they do bother to get it filled. If I waited 7 hours to give my clients what they need... I wouldn't be in business very long. I'm just sayin'. I called the doctor at 4:30pm and they said, "we've been really slammed today so we haven't had time to call in your prescription". Really time for me to find a new doctor. And... is there anyone who wants to run by the Rite Aid in Cleveland and pick up a script for me?



7. I love Francine Rivers. I finished another book of hers today and I just love the romance, history, relevance and spirituality she weaves through her novels. I've always loved romance but in these books... the main character does something that I've never managed to do... fall in love with man while still keeping her relationship with God a priority. I'm working on it. The problem I have is that "Godly" men look down on me because of my more "liberal" views (compassion for gays, not reading only the KJV). And men who aren't Godly don't understand my relationship with God. He's out there somewhere, I hope...



8. There are a lot of people on facebook during the day. Do y'all not work? Or do you get on facebook at work? Mercy.



9. Oprah yells too much. Her voice gets deep and she BELLOWS... plus... she has too many commercials. I don't dislike her... but if I was a female impersonator... I'd want to impersonate her.

10. My kid is getting wonderful supervision at school. I haven't always been able to have the kind of confidence in a school system that I have now. Yesterday they were working on his schedule for the upcoming semester and I received 3 phone calls... from Austin, from his "file holder" (the person responsible for his IEP) and from the counselor. Oddly... and completely out of character... he has asked to drop study skills and take chemistry and the Catalyst Christian Learning Center class. Chemistry is quite ambitious for him... and while no one wanted to DIScourage him from taking it... they are afraid he won't keep up with it. However, he wants to go into a veterinary science and so he needs more science... so they think that it might be good to expose him to it now so he can determine whether or not he can do it... and then maybe adjust his career aspirations if needed. His IEP requires a co-teaching set up and there isn't a chemistry class with a co-teacher so they are planning to assign a parapro to the class to act as his aide and keep him on track. (I'm telling you, these people are great). But they want us to take the weekend to discuss it before he starts. Austin has in his head to do it... so there's really no discussion and - worst case scenario - if they find he's not keeping up, they'll switch him out. I'm really excited that he wants to take the class at the Christian Learning Center (here's a link to an old article about it, if you're interested: http://www.christianindex.org/4111.article ) Basically... they bus the kids off campus for Bible based learning. What I love more than anything is that my friend Natalie runs the center and I know that it's a great program... (by the way, there's a picture of my brother in the link). I think this will be a challenging semester for Austin but I'm glad that he's willing to challenge himself.

11. I hate the plentyoffish.com commercials. I have suffered more grief and disappointment because of that website than... any other I can think of. POF is of the devil, I'm convinced.

12. It simply amazes me that my weight is not dropping. This is proof positive of how much antibiotics interfere with my weight loss process... and reinforcement for me to NOT eat food with hormones or antibiotics in it. I have thrown up more than I've ingested in the past four days and my weight is up. I have only had one week out of the past two months that I have eaten beyond my weight watchers points limit and I am the same weight I was two months ago. Something IS NOT RIGHT. I have weigh in this morning but I'm not sure I feel up to driving, walking, standing in line, etc. I'm too shakey. I've got two hours... we'll see...

It seems like every day I get a note or comment from someone who is reading my blog and actually enjoys it. I consider that high praise and it keeps me coming back every day to share whatever there is to share... and I understand that lately it's not really exciting... my health and the weather... woohooo... how exciting (not). Thank you for coming... thank you for liking it... and thank you for letting me know you like it. The past week could have been really lonely for me and it wasn't... thank you for being out there.

Have a great weekend y'all! love and hugs!

Anonymous said...
sounds miserable.The life long pity party.Some things will never change.Only you can turn this around.There has to be something that you are doing or not doing to cause all this grief.Have you tried psychological counseling? Coupled with proper medical doctors, they may be able to get you re-balanced.Joey

Who are you and why are you so mean to me? This isn't the first time you've said something hateful on my blog... the first time, I just ignored you.
I'm not unbalanced.
Why do I need psychological counseling for a kidney infection/stones?
What would I be doing to cause a kidney infection? I challenge anyone to show a more healthy and balanced diet than what I eat...
Why is it a life long pity party? because I acknowledge my frustration with a week of pain?
Because I have a few medical conditions that cause me to be more susceptible to infection? Interstitial cystitis. Granulomas. Allergies.
You are a jerk. Do me a favor and stay away from my blog. Life is hard enough without you stopping by and spreading your hate. Find someone else to pick on.
I am blocking all anonymous comments on my blog.

you're all invited to my pity party

Pain bears down on me.
I eat something bland to be able to take pills.
Take pills to get rid of the pain.
Get nauseated and throw up at least part of what I ate.
Lay as still as possible until the nausea passes.
Start to feel better.
Believe it's passing. Get all cocky and hopeful and do things like... put in a load of laundry... put dishes in the dishwasher... feed the cats...
Then... pain comes back again.
And the cycle repeats.
This is the cycle I've been in since Tuesday.
I'm beyond frustrated.
I really believed I was going to work today. I do have a great boss, (thanks Lyn, for adding to my stress! although I don't believe I'd lose my job because of illnesses - he knows how hard I'm working at being healthy) but I don't want to be out. I am worried about missing so much work. Yet... you have to be able to do things like... sit up... to be able to work.
Today I have added a migraine to the mix.
I'm mad.
I'm scared.
I'm frustrated.
I've been living off dry toast and mushy white rice and my weight is up.
Austin got mad at me last night because I wouldn't run to the grocery store and buy the kind of food HE likes to eat.
I guess he's learning a lesson in all this... don't waste food because it doesn't always magically reappear in the house when you leave it out to rot.
I have had a couple people check in on me... make sure we don't need anything from the store...
Austin says, "please send teenager food"... I say, "we've got plenty of rice left and that's all I can manage to eat"...
I'm going to call the doctor when they open this morning and say, "really? should i still feel this bad?"
Is this normal?
Well. I guess, if I think back... the kidney infections of 2008 and 2009 WERE both this bad... with the nausea - which we attributed to the medications but I'm nauseous even when I first wake up in the morning when there are no meds left in my system.

Anyways... so that's what's happening around here. Sorry to be such a drag. Sorry to whine and complain. Sorry, co-workers, for being a slacker this week. Sorry, son, for not keeping your normal buffet stocked for you. Sorry, kitties, for cramping your style. Sorry, blog readers for not having upbeat, encouraging, inspirational posts.

It's gonna get better.

thankful Thursday... horizontal edition

I never made it to work yesterday. I barely made it to an upright position, as a matter of fact. Ever the eternal optimist... I got a shower... and started the glam routine... and... without going into detail... it became apparent that I wasn't getting very far from my bathroom... the nausea and dizziness was (and still is) overwhelming.

Because my doctor was not as thorough as I had hoped/expected... I can only guess that the pain/nausea/etc is from infection and possibly kidney stones. At times the pain is so intense that I can't sit still, talk, breathe... and at times it's just a soreness... pressure... aching... cramping. I've been trying to eat bland stuff... yogurt with honey... white rice... I had potstickers for dinner last night because I was starving. That's the odd thing about the nausea... it's not the kind that accompanies a virus where you have NO appetite.... it's the kind of nausea I had when I was pregnant (no, I'm not pregnant, haven't been exposed and couldn't accomplish it if I was)... it's the kind of nausea where you're STARVING and can't stop thinking about food but every bite you put into your body immediately goes into reverse.

And I've gotta tell you... I'm bitter about this whole thing. I DESERVE to be healthy. At least that's what I think. I've been doing the right things... living my best life... there's no reason for me to be all housebound and unable to work and unable to take care of my kid (who needs very little care) and unable to do anything except lay here with the recliner all reclined back and become a champion of online gaming.

SOOOOooo with that said... this Thankful Thursday required a little deeper digging than usual... but I'm gonna give it a shot because I do believe that gratitude and a positive attitude can be a healing force as much as the synthetic chemical crap that I'm reluctantly putting in my body. Here goes:

1. I'm grateful that my meds were cheap and that my doctors office always just accepts whatever amount I can pay.
2. I'm grateful this happened early in the year and that I had a few paid sick days I could use. I hate that they're ALREADY going to be gone but I'm gonna just have to work harder to stay well throughout the rest of 2011.
3. I'm grateful for my nest. My recliner is the best.
4. I'm grateful for social networking and all the sweet people who said they were praying for me. I know for some people... it's just a phrase... but I also know a lot of people in my life really DO pray for me, fervently and sincerely and it means the world to me.
5. I got a great laugh when I called to order delivery chinese for Austin yesterday (because there's no "Austin" food in the house and I don't feel like going to the store)... they recognized the address and said, "We haven't heard from you in a long time... did we do something wrong?" and I explained that I had been dieting and hadn't been eating out... he said, "Chinese food won't make you fat... have you ever seen any fat Chinese people?"... which was really funny... but it got funnier when my friend Scott reminded me about Buddha. Ha!
6. I have had to cancel my planned picnic with Crunch-n-munch for the second time. The first time was due to a teacher conference... this time due to my unexpected visit to urinary tract hell. I'm not grateful for that... but I'm grateful that he understands. He's decided to give up blogging (already) as it felt more like a chore or obligation than what he thought it would be... I understand that having a daily blog is not for everyone. Few people have such an action packed life that they have something exciting to talk about every day... I'm thankful that blogging, for me, is not a chore but is a way for me to check in with people who truly care what is happening in my life, even if it is boring. Sometimes I think it's the fact that I find my boring life amusing or can tell my boring story in an amusing way that makes people want to hear about it. Or maybe the trials and tribulations of Heather makes you feel like your life is WONDERFUL in comparison. HA! Whatever the case, I'm grateful for the opportunity, grateful for the ability and grateful that people come here to read every day.
7. I'm grateful for my kitties who keep me company when I'm not feeling good.
8. I'm grateful for plain fat free greek yogurt... high in protein... low in points... helps my tummy.
9. Although I normally avoid white rice because it's one of those foods without purpose... I'm glad I had some on hand... and I'm grateful for my rice cooker because I was able to "double cook" the rice... I cooked it, added more water and cooked it again so that I could make a softer, mushier, stickier rice to help my tummy.
10. I'm grateful that Austin has been cooperative and even has been slightly compassionate. He has refilled my big cup of water a few times for me.
11. I'm grateful for the friends that have checked in with me over the past two days... Angie, Crunch&Munch, the one without a nickname that I'm not ready to name, Cyndi, Organic Rose... and others... y'all give me confidence that if I died, someone would find my body before it started to rot. (single people really do worry about this)

I'd like to pretend that I'm going to make an attempt to go to work today but honestly... I'm not even able to pull the recliner into a sitting position... I can't imagine being able to get dressed and drive to the office and put in any kind of time that would deserve compensation. SO... I'm grateful for a restful day here in the nest.

Hope you find things to be thankful for today... even if you have to dig. Love and hugs, y'all.

gloom, despair and agony on me...

Anybody remember (or admit to) watching those old HeeHaw shows back in the 70's? That was a normal Saturday night around our house. I had no idea who Elvis was until the day he died but I knew who Buck Owens was... anyways... they had this one skit they would do where the hillbilly men would sit around sipping from their jugs of moonshine singing this song... "gloom, despair and agony on me... deep dark depression, excessive misery... if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all... gloom, despair and agony on me"... And then they would each take turns sharing their woes... it was sort of funny.

That's what Wednesday is like on this blog. I'm a fairly positive person... partly because I'm an eternal optimist and partly because I have an enormous capacity for burying my head in the sand... but on Wednesday, I bring out the moonshine and sing the blues.

Beginning Monday night I started thinking I had a urinary tract infection going on. I've had enough of them to recognize the symptoms. I also have interstitial cystitis - diagnosed many, many years ago before anyone had ever heard of it. I have a lot of little random things like that - the cyst in my sinus cavity... the granulomas in my lungs... some structural deformity in the walls of my bladder. It's *likely* all related. I've done some research on the granuloma disease and it can manifest itself in different ways like that. It's all relatively minor stuff that isn't a big deal, definitely isn't fatal and mostly just means that I'm susceptible to infections in those areas more than the average girl.

At any rate... I was uncomfortable yesterday morning but I thought... I'll tough it out... antibiotics always screw up my weight loss and I'm trying so durn hard to bust through this six week long plateau that THE LAST thing I want is to go back on antibiotics for ANYTHING. However... as I was driving to work and considering the situation... and feeling increasing discomfort... and remembering my medical history and the kidney infection in 2008 that landed me in the ER... and the kidney infection accompanied with (small) stones that plagued me in 2009... I decided that the best course of action was to be proactive. I made a doctors appointment and went on in.

If this is too much info for you... feel free to skip... I'll keep it simple... yep. Infection. Looks like more of those little stones are working their way through. All of this is causing a flare of the interstitial cystitis which is crazy painful. I got an antibiotic... the numbing meds for the urinary tract... and some strong pain meds. All 3 make me crazy nauseous but you have to weigh out the crazy painful vs. the crazy nausea. AND... knowing that the worst is probably still yet to come... I have to tough it out and take my dizzy/nauseous self into the office and make the best I can out of it because it is likely to get worse before it gets better.

Just like with the bronchitis in December... I'm highly aggravated and disappointed with my body. I feel like... I'm giving myself the best that I possibly can as far as nutrition is concerned and this old bag of bones is still not giving me the best results. I'm discouraged by the unexpected expense in a pay period where we were already going to be struggling. I'm frustrated by the time away from work and the threat of more time away. I'm embarassed that I'm once again sick... because people assume that I have somehow done something to cause myself to be sick or to suffer from infection and that I'm weak. I'm not.

AND... in the middle of that pity party I find out that Regis is retiring... what is this world coming to? It's the end of the world as we know it.

Sweet Organic Rose who is the caretaker of Loganberry Heritage Farm extended the invitation to bring me to the farm for a week to recover... with herbal remedies and wholesome food... and that is soooo tempting. How much would I love to just tuck myself into the care of someone so wise in the ways of natural healing? But of course... there are the kid, the cats and the job to think of... and despite my attempts to completely avoid pharmaceuticals... here I am, back in the grip of pills again... it definitely makes me want to run away and stick my head in the sand and pretend that if I just keep pushing through and eating right it will all go away.

The other frustrating thing was having to manage my healthcare. Meeting with my doctor yesterday it felt like she had never even glanced at my chart. I had to recount the entire medical history for her. One thing I expect, especially in a small town, is for my doctor to at least familiarize herself with my history. She said, "have you ever had this problem before?" Really? REALLY? DO you not remember doing an ultrasound on me in this very exam room barely a year ago? Do you not remember stressing me out over the fact that there is ALWAYS blood in my urine and insisting that I see a urologist even though I could ill afford it? Do you not remember insisting that the urologist do a cystoscopy on me ASAP? Do you not remember shaking your head... studying for an antibiotic that might work after several others failed? Am I expecting too much from a small town doctor? I left with mixed feelings... I hate to overdramatize and demand extreme measures at the first sign of anything but I hate to repeat the same steps that have always failed in the past... I get an infection... I get a mild antibiotic... the infection doesn't clear up... it gets worse... I get much sicker...

And I'm still coughing stuff up from the bronchitis in December. I meant to mention that but was so frustrated by the fact that she acted like she had never seen me before... that I completely forgot. Which made me even more upset because you can never actually get a return call. I think I need to find a new doctor.

Anyways... now that I've gotten myself all stirred up. The good news is that Austin woke himself up again this morning and has been getting himself ready without any input from me. That's always a good thing.

OH... and the other frustrating thing about being a single sick person is that there is no one to take care of you. I needed a Shirley MacLaine to my Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment, rushing to the pharmacy and demanding that they get the pain meds ready as soon as possible. Instead... I had to wait over an hour... and when you're in pain... an hour is a very long time. I sat in my car and read a book... but it would have been so nice to just go home and tuck myself in for the night and let someone run pick up those meds for me. Instead... I had a house full of teenagers... and once they left (and Austin went with them) I had a stream of people banging on my door looking for them (ok, only two but when you're whacked out on pain pills and nauseated and dizzy and trying to sleep, two is too many)... and my neighbor decided to blast music so loud that it was rattling the pictures on my walls.

Ok. I'm done now. I'm mad. I'm frustrated. And my weight is up. Time to glam and head to work.