Nana Life

Thursday, February 3, 2011

thankful thursday... right?

I woke up this morning not really sure what day it is... that's the way life has been for me over the past few weeks... completely out of context, completely out of order... a day or work here and there... a half day here and there... a doctors office... a prescription or two to fill... a few hours of blissful pain free loss of consciousness... a few hours of breathing deep and toughing it out... digging in the dwindling supply in the pantry and fridge to put together a meal... chores stacking up... i feel like i'm spinning around and around and i'm not really sure where i am.

It's like living in a snow globe - without the snow - that periodically gets shaken - and about the time that the little white pieces settle - someone shakes it again. If someone would just replace the snow with confetti... or glitter... at least it could be festive.

After a few minutes of disorientation... I figured out that it's Thursday. Here in my little corner of the world, I try to reserve Thursday as a day of thanksgiving and gratitude. Sometimes it's hard... but despite the fact that I'm vocal (aka "a whiner") about my disappointments and discouragements... the core of who I am is optimistic. Gratitude is a foundation of my survival. If we lose hope, we lose everything. If we allow ourselves to be swallowed up with doom and gloom, we might as well just curl up in a little ball and stop trying. I'm not ready to give up.

Today I'm thankful for a good night's sleep.
I'm thankful for the warm blankets... soft pillows... cozy kitty cat... peace and quiet...
I'm thankful that I have medication to take the edge off my discomfort. I get a break at night when I can dope up and not have to worry about driving or working.
I'm thankful for the postcard I got yesterday from Mr. Drake... it was HILARIOUS... he was adapting a Savannah accent in his writing and it cracked me up... I could hear him saying the words... I love that he thought of me while he was out and about.
I'm thankful that it's Super Bowl weekend... I can't wait to see the commercials.
I'm thankful that I have another opportunity to try today... to get up, get cute, go to work...
I'm thankful for the many people who are really praying for me, not just saying the words as a platitude... there are people in my life who really go before the Master of the Universe and ask Him to take care of me. I love that.
I'm thankful for kind messages and comments and encouragement from my friends. I'm truly NOT alone.
I'm thankful that Austin's youth pastor texted him yesterday and asked if his mother was "still stoned"... teehee... Austin didn't get it at first. Have to remind Jamie that Austin is very literal. But... come to think of it... I was fairly Cheech and Chonged at the moment...
I'm thankful that I'm not still trying to play the dating game. It feels good to not need that. It feels good to not care that I'm single. Even with Stupid Cupid on the way.
I'm thankful that I invented the spinach dog yesterday. I needed to up the veggie intake and we were down to precious few choices in the fridge... I put a little spinach on a bun with my angus all beef low fat nitrite free hotdog... and it was really, really good.
I'm thankful that Gods mercies are new every morning. Every day is a do over.
I'm thankful that I have the ability to write, an outlet for my thoughts, a place to document my feelings and experiences... I'm thankful to be a blogger.
I'm thankful for a new day, a new dawn, for the drive to work that clears my head and gathers my resolve. I'm thankful for Christian radio, for songs of praise and hope and encouragement. I'm thankful for the great cup of coffee I'm drinking... the warmth of my electric blanket... the comfort of my nest...
I'm thankful for a refuge from the storm...

I have to decide if I want to go ahead with the appointment with my regular doctor today. I have the CT scan tomorrow and the follow up appointment on Monday... I won't really see a doctor tomorrow, just the radiologist... and I'm wondering if it might be prudent to see someone today rather than waiting until Monday. Of course... my regular doctor may just want to wait to see the outcome of the CT scan... or defer to the urologist... I don't know what's best. I guess, I could just wait it out until Monday... and if things get worse over the weekend, I could go to urgent care.

Anyways... Cyndi's waiting to read the blog so I better close this and start getting ready for work. I hope that wherever you are... whatever's happening... that you will find things to be thankful for today. Love and hugs!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

"you are not alone"...

I guess I'm gonna have to do a whiny wednesday post after all..
The Dreaded Full Bladder CT scan was scheduled for today.
Because on Friday... all the urologist could tell me was, "we know you have kidney stones and we know there are currently no blockages but we don't know where the stones are... so we will just keep you comfortable until they pass... or until we get a CT scan to see where they are and if we need to intervene"...
and by "comfortable"... they mean... Cheech and Chong comfortable... which means... unable to do more than lay in my nest and play Farmville... and sleep... and... well, that's all fun for a few days but it's gotten old.
and I really want my OLD life back (only better)... and I want to not need vicodin to survive...
and so, although I wasn't looking forward to the Full Bladder CT scan... I was looking forward to the resolution...
so when they called today and said, "We're sorry... but our CT scan is broken and won't be fixed until next week... we're rescheduling you for next Wednesday"... '
my answer was, "I'm sorry, that's not acceptable"... because I want my life back.
Like... two weeks ago.
I said, "Is there not another option? Another CT scan somewhere where the scan could be done?"
And she said, "I'll have to check and call you back"...
and the hours ticked by... and I grew discouraged... and the pain intensified... because I worked the whole day on Tuesday and didn't really get good pain control between Tuesday and Wednesday...
so I went to lunch and ate some crackers... but that's all I could eat... because I was really in pain...
so I called my regular doctor's nurse (you know, the one who last week said that since I didn't have any more infection, my back should not still be hurting and basically... "good luck with that")... and told her what I had done since she blew me off a week ago... and explained the CT scan dilemma and said, "hey... is there any way Dr. Parker can get me scheduled for a CT scan?" and she said... nope... Dr Parker is out of the office until Friday... but the Physicians Asst can see you TOMORROW at 2 and maybe she can order a CT scan.
so I took that appointment... and was really discouraged... and tearful. and still in pain.
so I went back to the office early... and said, "I'm a big ole slacker and I know y'all all hate me... but I'm not gonna make it much longer today"....
and they didn't hate me. they adjusted their lunch schedules... and were encouraging... and offered to call the doctor for me and you know, be that patient advocate that single folks don't have... and suggested that I just go to the ER...
and I went home... crying... frustrated... feeling like a big ole loser... feeling like nobody in the medical profession gives a rip about the fact that I'm in pain... feeling like I'm invisible...
and I had a little text message from Crunch and Munch offering to pray with me... and at first I was like... yeah, that's sweet, but I can't talk right now.
I didn't tell him I couldn't talk right then because I was in the middle of a pity party and didn't want anyone to hear the whine in my voice... or the snotty sobs...
and he said... you pray where you are and I'll pray where I am... and I went into the kitchen and then...
God whispered into my heart and He said,
"YOU ARE NOT ALONE"...
and because I'm a little slow sometimes with discerning a word from the Lord... the Michael Jackson song "you are not alone... I am here with you...."... lalalalala... whatever... started playing in my head.
and I really cried then.
And I realized... that even though I'm not "in love"... I am LOVED. By a lot of people. Who demonstrate that love to me in many ways, every day.
And these light and momentary troubles are achieving far greater things in me...
And then... a little while later... I got a call... they have scheduled the dreaded Full Bladder CT scan for Friday morning.
*sigh*
that's better.

I Wonder Wednesday

Since yesterday was SUCH a whiny day for me, I'm gonna skip Whiny Wednesday this week and instead have "I Wonder... Wednesday"... I think it will be healthier than having two days of pity parties in a row.

But first... why Whiny Wednesday came on a Tuesday this week:
1. pain/discomfort/misery... my constant companion and unwelcome guest. It was really bad the last three hours of the work day but I had to stay. I just had to.
2. I burned my hand pulling a mug of hot water out of the microwave... it splashed and scalded the entire back of my hand and down my arm. THEN... it was (past) time to get in the shower so I had to endure the pain of the hot water from the shower on that burn. I cried. Big, ugly "why are you doing this to me, God?" sobs.
3. It was payday but our checks came late so I didn't get to go to the bank. Well. D offered to let me take an extended lunch to go but that would have negatively impacted my coworkers who have been patient with my extended absences so it seemed unfair. Hoping the extra day doesn't cost me in bounced checks. I already came up shorter than usual because of the short payday... didn't get some money I was expecting... had additional expenses. My budget ain't purty.

Ok... now... having said that... it's over, I survived the day, I never have to relive that day again. I get a do-over and it's going to be better than yesterday. I can't control all the circumstances, but I can always control my response to them. Today, I'm determined to be positive, not whiny.

I wonder what would happen if we spent more effort finding things to be happy about rather than complaining.
I wonder what this full bladder CT scan will be like...
I wonder how long it will take
I wonder if I'll be finished in time to go to Bible Study tonight... and
I wonder if I'll feel well enough to go.
I wonder what it's like to have 2 feet of snow on the ground.
I wonder how Purple Michael is surviving tech week in a blizzard. It will make for funny stories, one day, I'm sure.
I wonder how I can have 200 hits a day - and only one or two comments.
I wonder why facebook is so uncooperative today - keeps dropping off.
I wonder how much a new laptop battery will cost. Mine is definitely dead. Have to stay plugged up.
I wonder what my weight will be this morning. Yesterday I was up FIVE pounds.
I wonder how you gain five pounds in one day... unless you're on a cruise ship or participating in an eating competition.
I wonder if my Bitty Kitty will ever make it home.
I wonder what the whole Groundhog Day thing really means... it's sort of a non-holiday holiday. Like St. Patrick's day.
I wonder if we have these goofy holidays during the winter to give us something to do. Things like Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day)
I wonder what other single people do for Valentine's Day. I keep thinking, "Stupid Cupid"
I wonder why I'm in so much pain. It's clearly an indication of something wrong.
I wonder when it will end.
I wonder what I should get my daughter in law for her birthday - it's Friday. She'll be 21.
I wonder why Charlie Sheen won't just go to rehab.
I wonder if his parents will get guardianship over him. It seemed to help Brittney.
I wonder how much snow my oldest son has on the ground.
I wonder how many of you are snowed in today.
I wonder when this winter will end...
I wonder what I should eat for breakfast... leaning toward steel cut oats and banana.
I wonder how much my past due fees for my library books are right now... haven't found time to go by. Tried to do the online renewal and it didn't work. Guess I'll be making a donation.
I wonder how many of you are still reading this.
I wonder if you have any questions for me.
I wonder if the beer I drank last night to help with my kidney stones made any difference. I didn't hate it. I slept well.
I wonder how long it will take me to straighten my hair today since I let it dry naturally yesterday. It's a rats nest.
I better get busy with the glam routing.
Have a Wonder-full Wednesday!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

newsday Tuesday... what's new in the nest and beyond...

January 2011 has come and gone and honestly... I'm not sorry to see it go. It wasn't a great month for me. February has to be better. I have to work. I have to be well. I have to have my life back. This existance that has ground down to involve me in the nest all the time... I hate it. Yet... I know that every situation you go through serves to build your character... and I'm hoping that mine is evolving...

I'm going to work today. I don't care how much it hurts. I'm going to work.

Man... looks like a lot of you are going to be impacted by this mega storm. We just have rain and wind coming. If you're in the danger zone... ice, multiple feet of snow, etc... my prayers are with you! Be safe! I'd love to hear you ...

I am trying to wrap my mind around this revolution in Egypt. I'm sure it has some long term implications on the US but I'm not wise to the ways of global politics enough to truly appreciate the situation. Perhaps our wise Mr. Drake will weigh in and explain it. I mean... obviously, we have to be concerned about Muslim control of the foreign oil market... we have to worry about our friends in Israel. Mostly... every time I watch news reports about Egypt I either hear "Walk Like and Egyptian" in my head... or "You say you want a revolution..." by the Beatles. Every battle needs a theme song, right?

Yesterday I facebook friended my Cousin Rik, who I haven't seen since childhood... and I looked at his relatives on his page and realized that there is a huge extended family out there that I know nothing about. I didn't even know that Rik didn't have a C in his name. Our family doesn't do reunions well. We are spread so far out that it's impossible to get everyone together... my mother was one of 7 kids... and there were twenty something grandchildren on that side of the family... and most of them have a couple of kids each... you do the math. At least thru facebook, I can know them better. I *heart* facebook.

Bitty still hasn't come home.
Austin woke up on his own today.
Yesterday Austin finally said, "are you doing ok?" It only took him two weeks to figure out I wasn't well.
Of course... I can't even get his brother to return my texts...
Since I declared my retirement from dating, I've been much happier. I was getting tired of trying to sell myself. Selling insurance is enough of a challenge.
I'm here... I'm fairly presentable... I'm gainfully employed... don't mind watching sports... what's not to love?
I'm not looking forward to my CT scan tomorrow because it's a "full bladder" exam. They won't do it unless you're at the bursting point. Because of my cystitis, full bladder = pain. It reminds me of those prenatal ultrasounds... everybody loves 'em... loves getting a peek at their baby to be... not me... I was so durn uncomfortable, it could have been a humanoid from the deep in my womb and I wouldn't care... get the picture, do what you've got to do and get it over with.
My friend Cyndi has been sick with a fever for the past few days, keep her in your prayers, please.
My friend Linda is battling breast cancer. Pray for her too.
Another friend has a little girl (who I adore) with a broken arm... pray for them both. Mommy is very concerned.
I haven't decided which team I'm going to pull for in the Super Bowl. Any suggestions?
I had toyed with the idea of using my buddy pass to go to Purple Michael's show this weekend... then I figured it was too risky to travel on a buddy pass in the winter... to Chicago. In light of the kidney stones and the winter storm... I'm congratulating myself on that wise decision. I don't have a lot of them, I have to embrace them!
I really need to put up some good sales numbers in February... so if you're in Georgia and need any kind of insurance... call me.
Must glam... looking good is half the battle... if I look good, I'll feel good, right?
Love and hugs, y'all.

Monday, January 31, 2011

not loving Monday

I seem to have two settings lately: doped up or miserable.
When I'm doped up... I'm in a fog, sleepy, nauseous, unable to move without a great effort.
When I'm miserable... I can't even stand up... I'm exhausted, nauseous and unable to move without a great effort.
Notice the similarities?
And I feel so guilty. I feel like I am *somehow* to blame for this situation. Like...I somehow caused my kidney stones. I know it's because of my past brainwashing... but I feel guilty for being a slacker at work... I went into the office today and couldn't stay... the pain was taking my breath away... but I can't take vicodin and work... I feel guilty for not doing the housework... or anything, really. I don't know why... but I'm just ashamed of these circumstances... embarassed by it... embarassed that I'm so weak.
I feel alone. Jim and Angie have both offered to help if I need anything... the girls from church have offered... Crunch&Munch spent the afternoon with me Saturday. But still... I feel isolated and alone. I feel like I'm not part of the outside world any more. My parents and grandmother were here this weekend and I didn't get to see any of them. Angie's parents and sister and niece were here and I didn't get to see them. Makes me feel like a leper...
I'm sick of tv. Sick of online games. Sick of reading. Sick of sleeping.
I'm too hot... too cold... starving... nauseous.
I did a very bad thing today. During the window of time when the effects of the meds are fading enough for me to drive... and before the pain kicked back in at full force... I had to get something to eat... and there was nothing in the house I wanted. I don't have the strength to walk through the store... so I drove thru McDonalds... and you would THINK I would have gotten a salad or something healthy. Nope. Chicken nuggets kids meal, complete with fries. I ate all the nuggets, half the fries, a box of apple juice and... a baked apple pie. Gluttony.
I have to work. I have to get out of this house. These things need to pass.
*end of whine*

reasons to love Monday

Happy Monday y'all! I'm feeling really joyful this morning... which is completely out of context for a rainy Monday... but I'll take it. We don't have to understand a good mood to appreciate it, do we?

I had a rough day yesterday... had a good bit of pain and I'm so grateful that I went to the urologist on Friday and that she took me seriously... because as uncomfortable as I was even while "comfortably numb"... I can't imagine how miserable that would have been otherwise. I suppose it would have involved an ER visit. This morning - so far - it's not too bad. The anti-nausea meds have helped with the worst of it. I can handle the pain (to some extent) but I couldn't handle the nausea.

Sooooo... with that said... here are a few of the Reasons I love Monday this week:
1. the ability to mitigate some of the pain... it could be a lot worse, right?
2. not feeling nauseous or dizzy
3. Austin is already awake and drinking coffee... don't have to beg him to cooperate this morning
4. MILD weather... it's rainy but at least it's not cold or icy
5. I'm going to work today and I'm glad that I'm able to at least attempt it
6. my awesome co-workers and boss who have been kind and concerned
7. my car is running...
8. I got child support yesterday
9. the groceries lasted all the way to the end of the pay period
10. lunch is already made for today...
11. the kitchen is semi-clean (I cleaned it last night)
12. the house isn't TOO messy
13. most of the laundry is done and put away
14. I live in a peaceful little corner of the world... no political uprisings, drought, war, misery...
15. Today is my Aunt Ginger's birthday! All that I am as an aunt... I learned from her. She didn't have her first child until I was 13, so for all of those years, all of my "childhood"... I was her little girl... and she spoiled me, spent time with me, let me play with her dolls (and trust me, she has UH-lot of dolls!) made paper dolls for me, let me have spend the night parties at her house and made me feel special. I know that I wouldn't be half the aunt I am today if I hadn't had her example.

Hope wherever you are, whatever you're facing, whatever the weather and whatever else is going on in your life... that you'll find reasons to love Monday too!