"you are not alone"...

I guess I'm gonna have to do a whiny wednesday post after all..
The Dreaded Full Bladder CT scan was scheduled for today.
Because on Friday... all the urologist could tell me was, "we know you have kidney stones and we know there are currently no blockages but we don't know where the stones are... so we will just keep you comfortable until they pass... or until we get a CT scan to see where they are and if we need to intervene"...
and by "comfortable"... they mean... Cheech and Chong comfortable... which means... unable to do more than lay in my nest and play Farmville... and sleep... and... well, that's all fun for a few days but it's gotten old.
and I really want my OLD life back (only better)... and I want to not need vicodin to survive...
and so, although I wasn't looking forward to the Full Bladder CT scan... I was looking forward to the resolution...
so when they called today and said, "We're sorry... but our CT scan is broken and won't be fixed until next week... we're rescheduling you for next Wednesday"... '
my answer was, "I'm sorry, that's not acceptable"... because I want my life back.
Like... two weeks ago.
I said, "Is there not another option? Another CT scan somewhere where the scan could be done?"
And she said, "I'll have to check and call you back"...
and the hours ticked by... and I grew discouraged... and the pain intensified... because I worked the whole day on Tuesday and didn't really get good pain control between Tuesday and Wednesday...
so I went to lunch and ate some crackers... but that's all I could eat... because I was really in pain...
so I called my regular doctor's nurse (you know, the one who last week said that since I didn't have any more infection, my back should not still be hurting and basically... "good luck with that")... and told her what I had done since she blew me off a week ago... and explained the CT scan dilemma and said, "hey... is there any way Dr. Parker can get me scheduled for a CT scan?" and she said... nope... Dr Parker is out of the office until Friday... but the Physicians Asst can see you TOMORROW at 2 and maybe she can order a CT scan.
so I took that appointment... and was really discouraged... and tearful. and still in pain.
so I went back to the office early... and said, "I'm a big ole slacker and I know y'all all hate me... but I'm not gonna make it much longer today"....
and they didn't hate me. they adjusted their lunch schedules... and were encouraging... and offered to call the doctor for me and you know, be that patient advocate that single folks don't have... and suggested that I just go to the ER...
and I went home... crying... frustrated... feeling like a big ole loser... feeling like nobody in the medical profession gives a rip about the fact that I'm in pain... feeling like I'm invisible...
and I had a little text message from Crunch and Munch offering to pray with me... and at first I was like... yeah, that's sweet, but I can't talk right now.
I didn't tell him I couldn't talk right then because I was in the middle of a pity party and didn't want anyone to hear the whine in my voice... or the snotty sobs...
and he said... you pray where you are and I'll pray where I am... and I went into the kitchen and then...
God whispered into my heart and He said,
"YOU ARE NOT ALONE"...
and because I'm a little slow sometimes with discerning a word from the Lord... the Michael Jackson song "you are not alone... I am here with you...."... lalalalala... whatever... started playing in my head.
and I really cried then.
And I realized... that even though I'm not "in love"... I am LOVED. By a lot of people. Who demonstrate that love to me in many ways, every day.
And these light and momentary troubles are achieving far greater things in me...
And then... a little while later... I got a call... they have scheduled the dreaded Full Bladder CT scan for Friday morning.
*sigh*
that's better.