my funny valentine...

And the beat goes on...

Went back to the doctor yesterday... had to get something other than that devil lyrica... and I thought a toradol shot would help with the inflammation, right?

It's amazing what they neglect to tell you... I guess they think you know... I thought the whole osteoarthritis, spondolylisthesis, etc diagnosis was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I found out that the xrays/CT scan didn't really diagnose the extent of the back problem. I didn't realize they didn't know how bad the nerve damage is... I didn't realize they didn't know whether or not I have a herniated or bulging disc... or that they SUSPECT such. Which is why they indicated that Physical Therapy LIKELY wouldn't fix the problem. Nice.

The xrays because they can't determine that sort of thing... the CT scan because they weren't focused on finding spine issues, they were trying to rule out a kidney stone.

THEY KNOW there's arthritic changes, additional vertebrae, compression of a disc.

The reason they suspect herniated or bulging disc is because of the place of the pain and the fact that I'm only comfortable in a reclined position... can't be seated, can't stand up straight... I have to be at about a 45 degree angle... and medicated... to be pain free. And this has continued and worsened for over four weeks now. I'm sick of it... and I know the people in my real world are sick of it.

I can only be completely and accurately diagnosed with an MRI. Which I can't get until we've attempted Physical Therapy. Which...they don't believe will help... but is a hoop we have to jump through. That seems like risky pool with my well-being and my quality of life.

Good times. The real caveat in all this, though, is that the Physical Therapist is a lady my brother has known for a long time... and I know her fairly well, we were in Sunday School together for the first few months I lived here. Super lady.

It has been suggested that I call the insurance company and try to get an ok to have the MRI without doing physical therapy first... walking through Walmart on Saturday left me in tears, I am terrified what any physical activity would do. I've been told to take it easy, not do any exercise or anything strenuous, not lift, not take a deep breath... whatever. I'm joking about the deep breath.

Yesterday I got my toradol shot and thought I'd be able to drive back to work and finish the day.

That got veto'ed. My doctor would prefer that I not work at all until we have a diagnosis. That being impossible... the treatment plan is to keep me as comfortable as possible while working... and do whatever we can do to allieviate the pain totally (as in "Cheech and Chong comfortable") at night.

We spent a long time talking about pain management... she suggested these pain patches which... come to find out are $214 for 30 days. Um... nope... I'll just have to hurt. That was the work day plan. Once I hit my deductible - which should be soon - I can get the patches.

Because they suspect this is the beginning of a long term back issue, they are reluctant to prescribe anything habit forming. (ala Rush Limbaugh) Also... the idea is to improve quality of life... they want to prescribe something that won't alter me (like the lyrica)

My drug sensitivities ... allergies and nausea... restrict a few choices. She started to prescribe celebrex and at the last second said, "oh wait... you have a sulpha allergy!"... turns out there's enough sulfa in celebrex to cause a reaction if you're sensitive. My last sulfa reaction was anaphylactic shock. They told me then to make sure I was NEVER given sulfa again. If I had a hives sort of allergy, it would be worth it to attempt it... but if it makes me stop breathing... well, we have a whole new problem, don't we?

I was given neurontin, muscle relaxers... and that's it for the time being. Last night was a long and painful night. The neurontin isn't as altering... but subsequently doesn't provide as much relief. The toradol shot didn't really do what I hoped it would. I still woke up this morning with muscle weakness in my left side... still woke up in a lot of pain... and still need to get through an 8 hour work day with only motrin to alleviate the pain.

I'm discouraged but not defeated. I hate that this has taken over my life in such a way but I've faced bigger giants and won. It's just a matter of jumping through the right hoops, hanging as tough as I can, accepting the current reality while still working to improve things.

I mentioned to the doctor yesterday that my brother has the extra lumbar vertebrae and she said, "it's congenital... all your siblings may have it"... interesting. I think I remember Bryan having back pain. As far as my kids go... Austin has always complained of back pain. Cody too, I think.

I cooked dinner last night for the first time in awhile... chicken sausage with red peppers, onion and collard greens over orzo. It was fabulous! I have enough left over for lunch today.

I'm starting this morning with a headache as well.. I've got steel cut oats cooking in the rice cooker... a big full belly of comfort food should get me out the door in a good way.

Still no child support. Money just about can't get any tighter. I'm so frustrated. If he's not able to pay, the least he could do is let me know.

Austin gave me a big Valentines Day card yesterday. My brother took him to get it while they took the old couch to the dump on Saturday. It meant the world to me... and was exactly what I needed in my post doctor visit depression... after finding out I couldn't afford the pain patches... finding out Austin ate the last piece of chocolate pie... burning my broiled bananas I was going to eat instead... he brought me in this goofy card and it made all the difference in the world.

It doesn't take much does it?