weighing in... or not...

I made it thru the entire work day yesterday. It was painful... at times I didn't think I was going to make it... there were times that it was hard to stay focused... but I stayed. I had a decent week, commission wise... and it feels good to find success. Work is important to me. I'm not one of those people whose self-worth is defined by career success... work is what I do so that I can afford to do the things that matter to me. But I still want to do good, I'm competitive enough that I want to be good at anything I do. And I appreciate what I have... I worked hard to learn my job and it's important to me to continue to do well at it, even if it's not comfortable.

But when I left yesterday afternoon at 5:30... I was relieved that I had another sixty something hours before I had to sit at a desk again. It just hurts so much.

I'm undecided about the meds they have me on for the back pain. This lyrica stuff is potent... and after some research, I realize I'm at a low dose of it. It helps with the back pain but it knocks me out... it's causing swelling in my hands and feet (didn't know until yesterday that was a side effect and woke up this morning unable to take off my rings). It causes weakness in your extremities... I can barely lift a full coffee mug. Yet, when my back is fully flared up, I can barely lift a coffee mug.

I am just wondering if this is the new normal. And why... if these problems existed before, and surely, they didn't JUST happen... why are they cropping up NOW? And... will the symptoms be dormant again? Will it go back to the way it used to be? Why did they get bad AFTER I'd lost 30 pounds?? I mean, I guess I could say that I had back pain when I walked a lot or sat on a hard surface and that sort of thing in the past... but I never really thought much of it. I start physical therapy this week... on Wednesday... but the doctor is doubtful that physical therapy will work. In fact, she said that if it increases the pain AT ALL to discontinue it until I have a full work up with the neurosurgeon. (again, neurosurgeon because it's nerve related, not because she anticipates surgery being necessary). My doctor said on Wednesday that this will be a process... this is not an acute situation where it will resolve quickly... it's a chronic condition that will take time to deal with... not encouraging.

One thing I can't do is let this be an excuse to eat anything I want, gain weight, let go of my healthy eating, clean eating, eating with purpose, counting Weight Watchers points, etc. I will have to adjust my expectations of progress with losing weight... right now I'm so swollen that it's certain that I'm up a few pounds... but that's not FAT. I stayed within my points allowance this week, again, regardless of cravings, difficulty cooking, etc. I'm not going to weigh in this morning. It would be too discouraging. But I will continue to track every bite, stay within my points and do what I can do to get the weight off. It can only help.

I have absolutely nothing planned for today. I plan to take the lyrica as prescribed - 3 times a day - which I CAN'T do during the week because it makes me too sleepy. I'm hoping that will give me enough relief that I'll make it through the week. I am more aware of the nerves that are compressed the longer this goes on... I can tell when I've been sitting for awhile that my legs are really weak and it's hard to walk. I'm having some numbness in my legs... numbness in the middle of my spine... it's bizarre. Today is the only day until NEXT Saturday that I can truly rest and recover.

Bubba is coming this morning to haul off the old couch and then I'll take some pictures of the new living room furniture so you can see how FABULOUS it looks. Stubby is loving the huge ottoman and has made that his perch. For me, it feels more like a home than I've had in a very long time. With Michael, I gave up all my furniture when we moved in together... then we sold his old saggy baggy handme down living room suite with the promise that he would buy something for us in Jacksonville. That never happened... we had a crappy, used futon in the living room and two horribly uncomfortable chairs. Then when I moved here I was thrilled to receive donated furniture... it wasn't my taste but it was in good shape. That is...until Bitty came into our lives. For the last year I've just been mostly embarassed by my furniture but completely unable to do anything about it... so it's a huge blessing to have a living room that I'm proud to show off. It's finally home.

There are a lot of good movies on tv today... I'm planning to stick close to my warm and cozy nest. I've got to run out and get coffee but otherwise, I think we have enough groceries to last us a few days. I've got a little bit of laundry to wash... a little more to put away... but for the most part, I can rest without guilt. In a way... I would feel more guilty if I didn't rest and then found myself unable to function during the week.

So that's what's up... won't be posting a weight today... but that's ok... I'm still on track, still doing the right thing and eventually, it will pay off.
Love and hugs!