Fat Tuesday Newsday, same story, different day.

I love that we have a day set aside to honor obesity. Fat Tuesday... which leads into Ash Wednesday... which means I have 24 hours to think about what I want to give up for Lent. We'll talk about that tomorrow... it will make a great topic for Whiny Wednesday.

I'm not sure I still qualify for "Fat" Tuesday... maybe "chubby Tuesday"... although I've been prematurely maintaining my 30+ pound weight loss since November... I'd love to see the scale drop a little lower. My projection of 5 pounds a month would have me about 20 pounds less by now... but I'm grateful to have been able to maintain. I still track every day (I know I mention that at least once a week, but I don't want y'all to think I've given up... I haven't) but I know that until the back issue is resolved and I'm off these current meds that it's going to take all my efforts just to maintain. I can't say I'm crazy about the plateau but I'm grateful I'm not gaining.

I'm battling the sugar demon lately. Maybe it's the fact that Girl Scout cookies are out... my fat knows the seasons... and craves seasonal food... apples in the fall... pumpkin pie... sausage balls... Valentines candy... Girl Scout cookies and then peeps. Just kidding about the peeps. I think they're disgusting. I haven't bought or eaten a single GS cookie but I've definitely been battling a sweet tooth. I've tried to satisfy that mean old tooth with fruit... and dark chocolate... not cakes and cookies and pies and other transfat laden pitfalls... but it hasn't been easy. I feel like Charlie Sheen trying to avoid having a party.

Yesterday was one of the most difficult days I've had yet, pain wise. I can take the edge off of the pain with advil and the lidoderm patches but I can't stop the muscle spasms with anything other than muscle relaxers... and I can't take muscle relaxers and work. If I could have gone to work and stayed busy and kept my mind off things, it would have been better but our internet was down until after lunch so it was a slow, painful morning. I was literally counting the hours. My anxiety level is growing because the pain and muscle spasms seem to be getting worse. No, they don't seem to be... they are definitely getting worse... and it seems like everyone in my life is OVER it ... I can see my co-workers' eyes glaze over when I say, "I'm really hurting today"... nobody acknowledges it... it's like... if they can just avoid talking about it, avoid the subject, then I will let it drop and *I guess* stop hurting.

Trust me, I'm over it too... except... it won't go away... this has definitely changed how I respond to people with chronic illnesses. There was an older couple in my office yesterday, both with debilitating conditions. Instead of giving the usual platitudes, "awww... that's too bad"... I asked questions... "how has that changed your life? does medication help?" etc. They wanted to talk about it and I really wanted to listen. It's funny how every life experience that challenges us makes us tougher... and yet, also makes us softer. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be molded in that way.

I understand, though, that my problem creates a burden for others in my life. I feel guilty for not being 100 percent in anything... but yet... I also feel like I've done everything I could to hit this thing head on... I've followed doctors orders... I've jumped through all the hoops... I didn't choose this, I didn't ask to be struck with chronic pain caused by... whatever is causing it... I didn't ask to be a burden. I hate having to depend on anyone else. Nothing brings me to tears faster than having to be vulnerable, not being able to do things on my own.

Anyways... maybe today I'll hear back on the results of the MRI. Having a treatment plan will help my anxiety. Ever since I got the resistance last week about muscle relaxers, I've had this sense of rejection - for lack of a better term - from the medical profession. As if I've worn out my welcome... as if I should just get over it... deal with it... accept it. It's like... because their feeble attempts to help me didn't correct it, then it must not really exist. I wish.

And here I am staring at yet another blog entry that is about nothing else other than my back problem. I'm becoming Johnny One Note. I worry about being that person that people avoid because they don't want to hear any more about it. I worry that people will stop reading because they don't want to visit Debbie Downer at the start of their day. One thing I'm giving up for Lent is whining... that's going to be at the top of the list!

I'm proud of my success in my snail mail campaign. I've sent about 14 cards out in the past week... still have a few that have indicated they want to communicate via old fashioned mail that I haven't written yet but I'm working through the list. I've got to replenish my stationary collection so I think I'll visit the dollar store this week and see what else I can find. I had a fairly good inventory but some of it was very, very old. I sent out a card yesterday that I KNOW I've had for twenty years! I love thinking about the person while I'm writing to them... imagining their excitement when they go to the mailbox to find something other than ads and bills! I wish I could afford to send a little something special in every letter... but for now, I'll just enjoy sharing my heart. I could really see myself in a ministry of encouragement in this way... because I get so much joy out of it.

Time is fleeting... need to start on breakfast and lunch and do a little glam routine to make myself presentable. It will be another cool/mild day here in the mountains and then we have another deluge of rain coming in tomorrow. Going to enjoy the sunshine and pray for another full day at work. Love and hugs, y'all!

whiny ... I mean, reasons to love Monday...

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, an upset stomach and muscle spasms. I am sick of these muscle spasms... they won't let up... and my muscles in my back, hips and rear end are so sore from the constant spasm. Muscle relaxers work for about three hours and then the spasms start up again. There's no point talking to the doctor about it because until they have the results from the MRI, there's nothing more they can do for me. I imagine they'll have the MRI results tomorrow or Wednesday.

My greatest fear, honestly, is that they'll review the MRI and say, "it's not that bad"... and I'll end up having to just deal. And, I fear the other extreme where they say, "the only way to fix it is surgery" or something else that would involve an extended period out of work because... there's just no way. So... I guess you could sum it up by saying that my fear is that I will end up having no resolution to this...

Usually by Monday, I have rested enough that the pain isn't bad... I will have stayed in the position where things hurt the least for long enough that the inflammation has gone down enough that I can at least start the weak with less pain. It's worse today than it was Friday morning... despite the fact that I have done literally NOTHING all weekend.

So that's my whine for today. Sorry that it's not uplifting or inspirational. Let's see if I can't give myself an attitude adjustment by finding reasons to love Monday...

1. I made it through the weekend with only one ugly argument with Austin. The rest of the time he was fairly copacetic.

2. It's cold this morning - 34 degrees - that's really cool for March - so I'll get to wear my cute boots again. I need to get some new warm weather shoes... maybe next payday.

3. The coffee is good today... I set up the coffee maker last night so all I had to do was push "on"... I have irish creme creamer... so it's a good start.

4. We've had poptarts in the house for two days and I haven't eaten any. Poptarts are my drug of choice... they're like crack to me... I can't resist them.

5. I made a really good roast in the crockpot yesterday... I think there are leftovers for today's lunch.

6. Cooler weather will keep the pollen count down. I don't have BAD allergies but pollen does affect me.

7. Austin caught up the laundry for us yesterday - he volunteered. It's not folded but at least it's washed.

I'm having a hard time coming up with reasons today... let's do a blitz...

8. I'm grateful for all the wonderful blessings in my life...
9. I'm grateful to have a job, to still be physically able to work,
10. to have a car that runs
11. and clothes to wear.
12. I'm grateful that we're not in the midst of a war zone...
13. that we aren't facing some natural disaster...
14. I'm grateful that I have an almost full tank of gas...
15. that I paid most of my bills out of the last paycheck...
16. I'm grateful that we're only 9 days from the next paycheck...

Maybe those are normal, mundane, "every week" kind of blessings... but I guess it's best to be humbly grateful instead of grumbly hateful...

Got to start the glam routine early... staff meeting this morning. Love and hugs...

transparency...

Transparency carries a price but it also brings great rewards.

I guess... maybe some people see me as a constant stream of TMI.

But for everyone who judges what I write... there are five people who contact me to say, "thank you for saying that"...

I just feel like the church has become a masquerade ball. We get up on Sunday morning and put on our best clothes and our masks. We go into the sanctuary and smile and respond "great" to everyone who asks, "how are you?"... and sometimes we are "great"... and sometimes we're in the midst of despair but don't want to risk removing the mask long enough to let people see the hurt we're hiding. We don't dare be vulnerable enough to honestly say, "I'm struggling... " or "I feel like God doesn't care"... or "I'm paying for past mistakes and the price is higher than I could have ever imagined".

Those masks may protect us from the judgement we fear, but they also prevent us from receiving - or being - a blessing.

My blog is an MRI of sorts... it's a slow, noisy, sometimes agonizing process of revealing the truth that lurks deep within me. Some of you may want to look away rather than see the gory inner parts. But there are people out there who say, "That's what I look like on the inside too! I'm glad I'm not alone".... and so, for those people, I continue to remove the outer layers and allow you to see what's underneath.

It's amazing to me how many people email me or text me or message me on facebook and say, "Me too"...

For just as all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God... all have suffered in one way or another because of the choices they've made in life.

Every happy marriage has pockets of disappointment.

Every successful career involves sacrifices that hurt someone.

Every relationship involves a certain amount of vulnerability.

As long as we live, by the grace of God, we will know pain... whether it's physical or emotional... whether we ourselves hurt or we bear witness to hurt in the lives of people we love.

And as long as we live, we have the opportunity to use that pain for our good and His glory.

I can't ever come here and say, "It's all good"... I fought with my kid yesterday and I'm having muscle spasms that make it impossible to be comfortable in any position... I worry if I'll run out of money before the next payday and I miss my Bitty Kitty.

I can't say "It's all good" but I can say, "It is well"... I have this amazing confidence that comes from time after time of trial where God has blessed and sent people to stand in the gap for me. I know that I'm never alone. I know that these trials are making me into the woman God called me to be. I know that every heartache is a lesson, an opportunity.

Charlie Sheen may have tiger blood flowing through his veins but I am covered by the shed blood of Jesus and everything in my life falls under his authority. No weapon formed against me can prosper... whether it be pain or discouragement or fear... it's all covered in His blood.

And I'll once again give you the disclaimer: if I get to the end of my life and find out that nothing I believed in was true, I will have still lived a better life WITH Him than I ever could have found without Him.

So... I'll continue to peel back the layers and let you see the ugliness underneath... and let God do with that transparency, whatever He needs to.

understanding narcissism...

I think what fascinates me most about Charlie Sheen is his narcissism. Having been married to a narcissist... it makes me sad for his kids. The wives, the goddesses, the hangers on... they always have a choice to get out. Those kids are stuck with him... and his lack of ability to have compassion for anyone else.

AND... Having raised a child with autism, I almost feel like narcissism should be on the autism spectrum. It's a complete disconnect from the ability to have empathy for anyone else. It's an inability - or a refusal - to recognize the boundaries between an appropriate amount of self-confidence and an over the top falsely inflated sense of your own importance.

You can never love a narcissist enough. Anything short of complete devotion and submission makes them doubt your loyalty. Yet... they want to surround themselves with "winners"... people who have the same strong sense of self-confidence. You simply can't be both confident enough to gain their respect and subservient enough to prove your loyalty. It's an impossible tug of war.

I had a new found respect for Sean Penn after watching Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations" episode in Haiti. It showed Sean's devotion to the Haitian people... he has not just written checks but has actually stayed in Haiti, working tirelessly to improve their lives.

I just lost it when I heard that he is partnering with Charlie Sheen.

The more media attention Charlie receives, the worse the narcissism will get. Stop talking about him. Ignore him. Let him run out of money. Let the people who surround him - the "yes men" so to speak - let them drift away. Let him have a reality check. That's his only hope. Otherwise, he will self-destruct.

I lived with a narcissist who was above the law... above paying taxes... above paying bills, except for the ones that benefited him... above following the rules and regulations that keep society from falling apart... he was too smart to have to worry about his wife finding out he was cheating. He was too important to have to worry about being fired from his job. And when it all fell apart and his Pandora's Box was opened... he was too proud to even begin to understand or appreciate his role in it all. He blamed me for gaining weight and getting sick. He blamed his employer for being dishonest about his compensation package... it was a "sinking ship" therefore he didn't REALLY want to be there anyways.

One truth that is inescapable... if you can't accept your own responsibility in your failures, you are powerless to correct them. You're stuck. As long as everything is everyone else's fault, you're always a victim. This is another conflict for a narcissist... they are control freaks... they power trip... yet... they are victims.

In my situation... the narcissist projected his greatness on his own spawn. They were above failure. Any failure on their part had to be ignored... and it had to be someone else's fault... but never his. Their mothers were always to blame for any shortcomings. He was always to be honored for any successes.

One time the younger one wet his pants while he was in my care. He was 8 or 9 at the time... this was a common problem for him but one that was being ignored by his parents... we took a little road trip and on the way back, he wet his pants. It was MY FAULT for not stopping often enough for him to go to the bathroom. Anyone who knows me in real life can tell you... I've got a one hour bladder - at best. I never pass a bathroom. Anyone who has to go more often than me needs to be under a doctor's care. But I was the bad guy. I was also the bad guy when I suggested bringing a change of clothes for him the next time we were going to be away from the house for more than a few hours... rather than have him face the humiliation and embarrassment of going around with urine soaked clothes. But you see... my preparation for his potential failure... was viewed as an accusation that it would happen.

Past behavior is the best prediction of future behavior, isn't it?

The other thing about being around a narcissist... in order for them to always be the best... they have to make sure that the people around them fail. If you do everything according to their wishes, they change the rules, raise the bar higher, bring up your past "failures". They never celebrate or appreciate your success, unless it comes as a direct result of their influence. Unless there is some way it can bring honor to them, your success is mundane - "should have been expected".

You can see how difficult this would be for a person like me who celebrates the wonders of every day. I marvel at the sunrise... I appreciate the fact that the daffodils are starting to pop up everywhere. Yes, they do this every year but I've never stopped enjoying it. There are miracles all around us, if you allow yourself to see them.

Can you imagine a free spirit like me living with someone who demanded complete compliance with his every mandate? Or raising kids who are used to my unconditional love... who are used to forgiveness, not harsh judgement? I reward improvement, not perfection. In my heart, only one perfect person has walked the earth... the rest of us are but a vapor. Every life has a purpose and weight in this world... but there is only one who is worthy of worship.

Narcissists accept no less than worship.

From time to time, when it suits their purpose, they will fake humility... but there is always a manipulation involved in that humility. At one point, when I refused to cave into Michael's point of view... he spent 8 hours in the dark in our walk in closet. Eight hours. Straight. Without food or water.

For someone like me who is by nature a peacemaker... a people pleaser... a nurturer... someone who craves validation... can you imagine how disturbing it was to me to have him hiding in a closet and blaming ME for it? I spent those 8 hours running back and forth to the closet begging him to come out... bartering... pleading... asking forgiveness... for what, I'm not really sure... but whatever I did... I had to undo it.

Before I left Jacksonville... after all that had transpired... after discovering his mistress, his debt, his deceptions... after telling me that he "had tried but couldn't love me"...after my own suicide attempt where he (by his own recollection) left me to die, refused to call an ambulance, then abandoned me at the hospital while he went out for Kentucky Fried Chicken... then went back to the hospital and mockingly took photos of my naked, unconscious body and sent them to his mistress... after telling me that he was going to make sure I stayed in a psychiatric ward as long as he wanted... ... taking my keys to my car so that I couldn't leave him without his permission... he had the NERVE to stand in the parking lot of the hotel where i was staying and tell me that if I left, HIS LIFE WAS OVER. He had lost his hold on me which was the ultimate insult. He could no longer control me.

I see the same thing with Charlie Sheen. He lures these women in... treats them like "goddesses"... creates a dependence on him... and as long as they play by his rules, it's ok. But if they dare to consider him unfit... if they dare to try to prevent him from having what he wants, he throws tantrums... threatens custody suits... he manipulates them. If there is any type of reality check... if anyone dares criticize his behavior... he attacks.

I say all of this not to dig up old dirt... but because watching this whole Charlie Sheen mess unfold in public has helped me gain clarity over that time of my life. I have now (or will, in just a few days) been away from him as long as I was with him. I know that I am greatly empowered by the wisdom I gained from recovering from that trauma. I may always carry the scars but for me, the scars are badges of honor. The stubbornness in me was stronger than the delusion in him.

There are a lot of people who read this blog who have been scarred in the same way... or who are still being wounded by someone with a false sense of power or entitlement. Please know that you aren't strong enough on your own. Go to God... ask Him for strength. Narcissism is an evil tool that satan has used to destroy many, many people and it requires true, spiritual battle to overcome. Surround yourself by people who are loving, honest and compassionate. Don't allow your sense of self to be defined by someone who has a distorted view. Believe in yourself.

I still pray for Michael, almost every day. I still mourn the loss of what I believed was possible for us. But I am so glad that God brought me out of that life and into a new one. I know that He has plans for me and I am still working to be as close as I can to God's idea of perfect, not Michael's. I am enjoying my perfectly imperfect life... as a butterfly... flitting from flower to flower with appreciation and adoration for the simplistic beauty of my world.

Happy Saturday, y'all! Life is good!

my mri and my kid

The MRI is done and I'm home.
This morning... within about ten minutes... I had two calls offering to cover the out of pocket expense for me.
God, you see, works that way in my life.
In the end... the Imaging Center didn't ask me to pay anything out of pocket... and that's also what God does in my life...
He lets me see His power, His protection, His love - manifested in the concern of people in my life who love me...
and gave me peace so that I could work this morning without stressing about how to come up with the money.
It's surreal to me... how awesomely He works.
The MRI itself was an hour and fifteen minutes long with me laying flat on my back... something that causes pretty intense pain.
And yet... it was relatively pain free.
I feel it now.
But while I was in the tube... it was completely peaceful for me.
I mean... loud... if you've never had an MRI... they're really, REALLY LOUD.
This coming from the mother of three boys.
But that time there was peaceful, restful, not completely painless but not miserable.
My nose never itched.
I never had to go to the bathroom.
It was a nice time of prayer and meditation.
The time BEFORE the MRI was not stress free... Austin was texting me with a vengeance, wanting to go to his friend Zach's house for the weekend.
Really, really a bad idea.
I took Austin's phone from him yesterday. Well... sorta. I told him that no phone use away from home.
Since we no longer have a home phone, the cellphones are our only means of communication and I'm not comfortable with him not having a way to call 9-1-1 in case of emergency if I happen to not be home.
So my compromise is to have the phone AT home... but not allow it to leave with him until his grades drastically improve.
Except... day one of that and... he messes it up already.
And... he uses the phone in the same way that got it taken away before.
I promise y'all, he's a smart kid.
He's blowing up my phone with "you don't trust me" "you never give me a chance" blah blah blah.
I suggested that he call DFCS on me. Because... c'mon ... how bad does he have it?
Anyways... other than that... the MRI wasn't a bad experience.
Afterwards I could barely walk.
Once I got to the car I got hit with a wave of nausea and dizziness and remembered that was a major part of the problem early on in this process... I guess there's some connection.
Who knows.
It was a long drive home but I'm here and I'm settled.
Austin is upset... not just with me but also, apparently, he and Logan have had a falling out.
It breaks my heart. I mean... I understand Logan's frustration with Austin.... but... he was the ONE kid in our church youth group that Austin could really call a friend and hang out with... and... if the church kids don't accept him, Austin will gravitate toward the people who do accept him.
And right now... I'm not loving that influence from the kids who do accept him.
My heart is really heavy for him.
For us.
I texted his brothers last night and asked them to talk to him... I rarely meddle... I rarely ask them to do anything... I never do the Jewish mother guilt thing if they don't call me. I get it. They're young and work hard and have their own lives. I love that they have their own lives. But their brother is struggling and heading down the wrong path and... they could influence him... and... well, I don't think either one reached out to him.
And... now it feels like the church kids are rejecting him.
If I was Austin, I'd be looking for that path of greatest acceptance too.
I get that too.
Anyways... God is good, He is powerful, He is real and He is still working in our lives. I'm convinced of that.
Happy weekend y'all.

what was I thinking?

What was I thinking? I was offered the opportunity to go a FIVE hour life insurance class... and I was so excited... because... that's my bread and butter, the more I know, the more I sell, the more I make. And then... there I found myself sitting in a hard backed chair for five hours... with a pleather sort of seat... which "farted" every time I moved so I had to sit as still as possible so as not to be disruptive... it wasn't easy/pleasant but I made it through the day, carried on prayer again, I'm sure. The pain really hit me when I got back to my office and was sorting through emails from Austin's teachers (more about that in a minute)... handling phone calls from Austin... trying to squeeze a whole work day's worth of work in two and a half hours... fielding phone calls from the Imaging Center (more about that later too)... returning a message from my doctor.

Oy vey. Sometimes... you just have to say it in Yiddish because there are not appropriate English phrases for the frustration I felt.

I guess. Ultimately. I have to just keep moving forward and not let the pain run my life. I needed to go to that class. It was helpful. I guess that's what I was thinking. And... in a way... I'm glad I didn't think about the potential for pain or I might have missed out on some things that I think *will help* in my sales efforts.

Although... sometimes I just wonder if I'm cut out for this type of work. I don't know what else I'm cut out to do (that would pay... I mean, if someone wanted to pay me to blog and play farmville, I'm on it!)... but there are definitely times I feel so discouraged and ineffective. Then I'll come across a client who tells me how much of a difference I've made for them and I know that I'm divinely appointed.

I started my day yesterday with an email from Austin's "file holder" (the person who is responsible for making sure his Individual Education Plan is being upheld) letting me know that he is failing his three academic classes. I can't afford summer school. He doesn't pass... he does 11th grade again. End of story. She pulled him out of the Christian Learning Center class to try to help him get caught up. I told her, "let him stay after school to catch up... he needs that class more than any of the others right now"... Of course, this means that if/when he does stay after school I have to figure out how to get there to pick him up at the appointed time. But. I just feel like he's slipping through our fingers and the only stronghold left on him right now is that daily bit of Christian influence.

I got some other discouraging information regarding Austin later in the day. I won't share that here... it's too public of a forum. I'll just say that Satan has that kid in his grips and I'm in the fight of my life... of his life... at a time when I am at the weakest I've been, physically, in as long as I can remember... at a time when I'm so weary... when all I can do is work and then go home and collapse... and yet, so much more is being required of me. Resolve that I don't have. Energy that I don't have. YET... I have to believe that it is THIS TIME of my life when so many people are already praying for me because of my physical infirmities... when I am standing in the need of prayer so desperately. I kinda think God works that way... as if this was all part of the Master Plan... so that the covering of prayer would already be in place based on what was seen... so that the unseen things would already have been brought before the Lord. Because... as I mentioned yesterday... people pray in different ways... and I know there are those who are praying His hand on every aspect of my life... and therefore I have HOPE because I know that all of these things, which on the surface would seem to be for my harm, are actually for my good. I really believe that.

Beth Moore said in the Esther video that I watched Wednesday night, "A parent is only as happy as their saddest child". From her mouth to God's ear.

And I said to a young lady recently... whenever you become a mommy, remember that God's arms reach further than yours ever could. I believe this as well. I've always been able to let go and let God when it came to my children. That's the parenting relationship He and I have had from the very beginning... when tiny Ryan was so sick and I was such a young, inexperienced mother... and the peace came upon me that God loved him more than I ever could. I released Ryan into God's care and I've never taken him back. I've released them all. I haven't relinquished my own responsibilities... and maybe that's where the road gets rocky... trying to understand where my role ends and His begins... but I'm learning... and I'm letting go.

At any rate... yesterday I turned on my phone during the breaks of the class and I had a half dozen texts from Austin asking to leave school because he didn't feel good. Well. I didn't feel good at that moment either and I still had about four hours of sitting ahead of me... and had already lost the feeling in my left foot... if I could stick it out, so could he. I wasn't the one failing all of my classes. When Austin couldn't get a response from me, he started working on Uncle Bubba. I had some texts from my brother asking what I wanted him to do. I explained the grade situation to Jim... he said he'd explain to Austin that he had to stick it out. Austin may not have felt well... but sometimes the consequence for taking what we don't deserve means that we miss out on what we do deserve.

Unfortunately this little side drama meant that I couldn't even take the kind of break I needed to... to get comfortable... because I was frantically texting about this kid... who seems to totally NOT get it. The more grown you are, the less freedom you really have. Freedom doesn't increase with age. Responsibility and expectations increase with age. It means you have to dig deeper, work harder, tough it out.

Lunch was from a sub shop... I got a greek salad. It was good. The homemade lemon pie they had for us was also good. Mercy. I should have passed on it but it was one of those "comfort food" moments. I know better.

Once I got back to the office... I had a voicemail from my doctors office about my request for a refill on my muscle relaxers. I'm so careful with these meds... the prescription allows for three a day... she gave me twenty pills... I got them filled on February 14th. You do the math. I've had - on average - one a day. I haven't been on any narcotic pain meds. I'm using the lidoderm patches... the neurontin... and advil. I mean... seriously... for as much pain as I've had... I've toughed it out thru the majority of it. I have almost constant muscle spasms in my lower back, butt and legs. But... despite all of that... they called and said, "we just filled that on the 14th so it's too early for a refill"... I'm like... ok... seriously? I mean... this is the nurse practicioner who told me it was a process and spent half an hour working with me to help find medications that would allow me some relief without doping me up. She TOLD ME to call if I wasn't getting relief from the meds she prescribed. If you take 2 1/2 times as long to use up the medication as was prescribed, how is it too soon? I was so offended by her response. I kept my head... I didn't go off on the poor nurse but I told her basically what I just told you... and she called back an hour later and left me a message saying, "we'll go ahead and refill the flexeril but you'll need to be sure to keep your appointment for the MRI". AS IF. Because I'm stubborn ... I didn't pick the prescription up yesterday. I'll get it today.

Then Austin called and said the satellite was turned off. I called... they had cut it off for nonpayment... I said, "um... you have my payment... I paid it IN YOUR OFFICE" and they checked and I had and they apologized and... sure... mistakes happen and all that but I really didn't need that extra stress right then. But... the upside of that was that I was able to renegotiate my package and saved $38 a month.... which will cover the cost of Austin's health insurance, which I was having trouble paying. His dad is supposed to share the cost of health insurance premiums but ... never has.

THEN... they called from the Imaging Center to let me know that my portion of the cost of the two MRI's they're doing today after
insurance was projected to be $289 and they were going to need that before they could do the MRI. I was floored. I said... "Um... I scheduled this a week ago... you couldn't have told me any earlier?" They were sorry. Of course. I said, "Look... I just don't have that kind of extra cash... can you accept something less?" She could accept half. But... yeah. Honestly. I don't have that either. I mean.. I'm living on prayer. Another short pay period... just because February is a short month... and the bills come due just like it was a full month. I asked if they would accept $50. I mean... because... they're getting 90% from my insurance company so they're getting money. I hung up the phone and wiped away tears. No MRI, no resolution and this pain continues until I lose my mind from it. I'm not far from that now.

They were supposed to call me back after 6pm to let me know if they could accept that. They didn't. I'll do what I have to do today to make sure that MRI is done. I can't live this way. Part of the problem is that they are doing two MRIs. If nothing else, I'll have them do the MRI on my lower back and just charge me for that... because they already said they would accept half... I can scrape together half for one. We won't eat good... but... I'm almost certain that's where the nerves are being compressed. They are also doing the upper back because of the osteoarthritis changes there. Since the bulk of the pain seems to stem from the lumbar (lower) spine... if that's all we can see for now, that's all we see.

Anyways... it's just a day in the life. I'm working half a day and then I have the MRI and then it's the weekend. These are light and momentary troubles. The aggravations seemed to cluster together yesterday but ... it didn't break me and it won't. It just made me take a minute and send up an S.O.S. heavenward...

I'm going to be ok. And I'll keep repeating that over and over until it becomes reality. Love and hugs y'all.

quick photo entry...

New furniture complete with 3 legged kitty cat...

me and my new 'do