My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Just Another Day in Paradise

This was going to be a facebook status update but I realized I had more to say than could (or should) fit in a short paragraph.
I'm missing work again today. Days like today - weeks like this week - make me wonder if I'll ever work again. After leaving work in tears on Tuesday because of pain... I've gotten up every morning since with the hope of being able to go in to the office and every time I've realized within a few minutes that it just ain't happening and if I forced it to happen, I would end up back in that same place of discouraging disappointment.
I'm having a lot of pain... searing pain in the dead center of my spine and in my left hip... I've got muscle spasms that won't let go... I have no feeling in my left leg except for tingling in my foot... my shoulders hurt (which is a new one) and my right foot has the same tingling minus the numbness in the leg (which is weird because the nerve damage is worse on the right side than the left). I've got the heating pad set to sizzle and can just barely feel the warmth.
I'm having a lot of anxiety. It's frightening to not be able to function. It's embarrassing to have to admit that you can't do what you should be able to do at the (relatively) young age of not-yet 45. I'm not depressed but I am discouraged. I want to be more than what I am right now. I make people uncomfortable when I am candid about how bad things are and people make me uncomfortable when they are understanding. I haven't quite figured out how to process pity. And I'm not even sure pity is the right word.
I get so annoyed with people who complain nonstop and I try to not be that person but I'm also afraid of being considered lazy or selfish or a slacker and I feel like I have to validate and explain what I'm going through but it just comes across as whiny.
I'm envious of people with their full time jobs and their income and their ability to actually go out to a restaurant and eat and their vacations to anywhere because I just can't.
And it's Holy Week which makes me think of Christ's sacrifice and His suffering and I feel so ashamed to be absorbed in my own pain without acknowledging His. Or the many, many other people who are going through so much worse than me. I feel unworthy.
And that's it. That's the story.
In other news... I just checked my emails from last week and there was an invitation to hear Tim Tebow speak at the church we were slightly affiliated with while we were in Jacksonville. Not that I would have driven that far or had the money or resources to make that happen and I'm sure that it was a crowded crazy house but ... man! I missed seeing Timmy!
Pop brought home Wendy's for dinner last night and I wasn't hungry for fries and a cheeseburger but that Frosty was EXACTLY what I wanted.
I had strawberry poptarts for breakfast and that was exactly what I wanted too.
I need to do a sugar detox because I believe a clean diet would go a long way in improving things but I only want carbs. Holy cycle of unhealthy habits, Batman!
And ... well, that's about all I have to say today.
Happy Thursday.

1 comments:

Back Porch Writer said...

I hate that things are getting worse again for you in the pain arena. I wish I could wave a magic wand. Saying a prayer for you. Hope you have a great Easter weekend, as best as you can!