My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Time Passing

Confession: I read a lot of young mommy blogs. I don't know why, exactly. I guess it's being able to witness that transformation from non-mommy to mommy. For me, that was the moment that I really understood what love is: when they put that first boy in my arms 26+ years ago and he blinked hard and studied the room with his always present curiousity. I always tell expectant mothers that it will be magical, that moment. I remember so clearly that first pre-school program when my heart was so full of pride that my little man could learn and perform and be a part of something other than our little family. I cried so hard the videotape shakes with my hiccups of tears. Watching these precious moments in the lives of others brings me much joy.

I'm not sure if that means that I'm living in the past. I do love history and genealogy and antiques and old people. My favorite part of my job is when I meet with old people, especially old people who have lived their entire lives in the same place. They become living history books for me. Come to think of it, I also enjoy old people who have moved around a lot and have diverse knowledge and experience of many places. Maybe I just really love old people period. I fully believe that there will be a point in my life when I look back to these days as "the good old days" just like now I look back on those young mommy years that were so, so difficult at the time.

I should also confess that I finally filed my taxes today. Although I will receive a substantial refund, I suspect that much of it will go to debts and living expenses as my hours have been drastically reduced out of necessity. How blessed am I to have an office manager who works very hard to make sure that I can make a little money with as little pain as possible? I appreciate it and still I mourn the loss of ability and mobility. I can't say that it's been a dramatic change, this reduction in hours, in that I have accepted things stoically without having the emotional breakdown that I thought this would bring. It's as if I prepared myself, I've already cried all the tears I'm going to cry about this premature decline in ability. I just try to focus on gratitude for the roof over my head and the food in my belly and a place to clean my pajamas (that I seem to live in lately) and cable tv. I'm disappointed but I'm not devastated and that tax return will surely help so the timing, although it seems to have been procrastinated, is truly, just right.

I finally located my Georgia Peach Pass which allows me to use the special designated lanes on I-85 in Atlanta for a small fee. I rarely, hardly ever find myself in traffic in Atlanta but I had prepaid for this some years ago and have a balance of about $30 that I wanted to be able to use. I really only drive through town on the way to the mountain house and I try to time my trips to avoid traffic but in Atlanta, its impossible to one hundred percent guarantee missing traffic. It is a safety net of sorts, this "get out of traffic free" (or for a small fee) pass as time behind the wheel greatly aggravates my piriformis syndrome.  I try to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible. One hundred miles exactly from driveway to driveway - mountain house to Riverdale house. Sometimes as little as an hour and fifteen on the clock. Sometimes way longer.

I have been living very frugally lately, as frugal as possible. My last decent paycheck mainly went to getting Austin and Lulu settled and comfortable at the mountain house. I haven't been working much so I haven't been having my workday stops for a little java on the way to work or a little lunch on the way home. I ran out of hershey's kisses with almonds and have intentionally not bought more because I'm so terribly addicted to them. I have to detox from sugar because although my weight has stayed steady for the past year, I am still terribly overweight which is not good for my back at all. When you are in a lot of pain you tend to just eat whatever is handy and my candy jar is far too handy. I have filled it with cough drops and chapstick and random little treasures instead of candy, hopefully as a deterrent. This has been true for the past two days and I'm hoping I can hold strong. My name is Heather and I'm a sugar-holic.

The weather is warming up here in Georgia and although I love the lush green and the beautiful colors and the sweet, sweet smell of wisteria blooming, I so very much dread the heat of Summer. It gets too hot too soon here. Since I'm in the addition to the house - a converted carport - my cooling system is a window unit and it's noisy and irritating. It's either too hot or too cold all the time. At the mountain house I'm in the basement and it's deliciously cool and comfortable even on hot days. I look forward to spending more time there this Summer.

The mountain house is slowly becoming less of a weekend place and more of a home with the addition of a washer and dryer and the soon to be added satellite tv. We've been entertaining ourselves via the Roku that allows you to stream internet to tv - such as Netflix - but that's more labor intensive than we would like. On one hand I look forward to being back to the mountains full time but on the other I will miss my Cody so very much that I can't imagine being away from him again. I love his little visits after work and so does Trouble kitty who rarely meows but always does when he wants Cody's attention. He loves Cody so much that he will sit in the windows on the side of the house that faces Cody's house and watch for him. But the mountain house has my Auggie who has shared my life longer than any other human being and I miss him terribly when I am away from him. And then there's the job that I love and the co-workers that are the kindest that I have ever had that makes me not want to pick the mountain life over the "mean streets" of Riverdale. (When you go out as rarely as I do, the crime rate is of little relevance, although I suppose someone could break in at any time, but that could happen anywhere.)

Either place, this is a season of transition for me. But... ultimately aren't we always in some sort of transition or another? I spend hours and hours and hours tucked into my nest, doing my best to avoid pain. Although in many ways it feels like time is standing still, I know that the sands are quickly dripping through the hourglass, even when the view doesn't change.

My Uncle Charles is still in the hospital recovering from his surgery for esophageal cancer. It has been many, many weeks there and he will transfer from hospital to rehabilitation before going home. This is that sand through the hourglass thing that I talked about, seeing family members and loved ones who are suffering from illness and for whom mortality has become all too apparent. It's surreal to realize these people who have been in my life, all of my life, are approaching a time when they no longer will be. Even though hours spent in the hospital go slowly, life seems to have flown by. There is a sweet family that I came to know through theatre whose father has been in the hospital and then rehab for many, many months. They have spent so many hours tending to his needs, hours in places they would rather not be trying to get him healthy enough to return home, just like Uncle Charles.

So, anyways... I'm watching C-Span3 and then The Masters today. Laundry is done and put away. Cats are napping. A soft Spring rain is falling. And that is all I have to say today. Love and hugs.

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