Throwback Thursday - June 7 - what's changed over the years?

Time once again to look back on this day in Blog History... which also, as it turns out, is a flash back in Presidential history. The post I wrote on this day in 2016 expressed my concerns about the possibility of a Clinton vs. Trump election and how I felt about each candidate. I wish we could go back to the innocence of that Summer, especially of that time. There's so much division in our country now and it breaks my heart. Speaking of being divided, this post was written about a week and a half before Cosy was taken out of our life for two months... I was recovering from my hysterectomy... I compared the difference between Oliver and Cosy's approach to playing with dolls. There was such a bad storm brewing and I had no idea at that moment. It's important to embrace today because you don't ever know what lies ahead, do you?

I'm cheating by one day on my post from 2014 because I didn't post on this day that year and the post from June 8 is a question and answer post that was fun for me to look back on... I hope it will be for you. One question that I'll go ahead and include here for you to answer: what is on your Summer Reading List? I don't read enough. Partly because of migraines and partly because I'm a couch potato. What SHOULD I be reading? Tips? Suggestions?

In 2013, I was adjusting to being at home full time. On this particular day I was dealing with quite a bit of pain and I came to an epiphany about how being a chronic pain patient was going to change my life. At this point I was already two years into this rocky road and was STILL trying to figure it all out. Now, seven years in, I feel like an expert because I've gone through so much trial and error. I also realize that it's ok to ask for help, it's ok to do what you need to do to feel comfortable - it's not selfish, what's selfish is putting yourself in a situation where you're no good at all to anyone, yet it's also ok to take risks and stretch your boundaries at times. I've been to two concerts in the past six months WITH A WALKER! The key is to build a support network of people you can trust to help you navigate the difficult parts. The bulk of my support comes from three guys who are not by nature cuddly/maternal/emotional people but they all three love me enough to help me get through life. I'm talking about my youngest son, my dad and my sweetheart. They know how to help me because I TELL them what I need, I verbalize my concerns and I trust them to do what I need them to do.

This day in 2012, I found myself feeling particularly grateful for my internet support system... the people who read my blog every day whether they be "real life" friends or people I only know through the internet. I've been blogging off and on since 2004. I've been active on the internet since 1996. The people I've met online, even the ones I've never met in real life, have been constant and consistent and as real to me as the people who live right down the street from me. There's a group of ladies that I refer to as my Blogger Babes and Mother Hens who I know without a doubt are there for me when times get tough. You proved that to me again last Summer during my mom's illness. You sent me flower and texts and cards and messages and truly, just really sustained me during that time. Internet dating may have been a huge mistake for me but internet friendships are the staff of life for me.

Life was particularly difficult in 2011 because I was still trying to work full-time despite the pain that was literally ruling my life. I was trying to get Austin through high school. I was trying to keep the bills paid and the lights on and food in the refrigerator and it was hard. Somehow though, every day brought a real sense of purpose and little moments of joy. My life is so different now. I come in contact with only a fraction of the people I came in contact with at work. My opportunities to make a difference are fewer but now I have time to take with people. I can go at a slower pace. I can have a more deliberate impact. To everything there is a season. This season of life for me is about quality, not quantity.

For some bizarre reason this post from 2010 went relatively viral (for me). It got 840 views which... at that time I got about 60 views per blog entry. Now it's about double that. These numbers don't matter a HUGE amount but I wouldn't mind growing my readership enough to make a little pocket money every month. Social Security doesn't go far, trust me. It's a basically unremarkable blog post so I have NO idea why it got so many views but... maybe posting the link will bring me a few new readers. If you know someone who might enjoy my style of blogging and the topics that I cover (toddlers, living with chronic pain, dating at 50, etc), please share my link! I don't expect to get rich but doubling my readership would at least pay my pharmacy co-pay every month.

Life comes full circle for us. I was reminded of this while reading my blog post from 2009. I talk about a lady who was feeling a lot of bitterness toward her ex-husband. In one of the newer blog posts on this day in history, about two years afterwards, I think, I talked about her son and how he was such a big part of Austin's life. You just never know how the seeds you plant today might bloom in the future. You never know what bridge you might have to cross again.

That's it. I hope you enjoyed this look back with me. I'll have a Food Friday post tomorrow (hopefully) about a really awesome restaurant that Marvin and I visited on Wednesday. Love and hugs, y'all!

Dating at Fifty

I have a list of things I want to blog about but I'm going to guess that the subject you're most interested in... at least the one I would find most interesting is dating, so I'll start there.

In the midst of all the exhausting, humbling, terrible time that was my mom's last few weeks on Earth, I got a text from a guy I had dated before. His nine year old son had died in a tragic, terrible accident the day before and he wanted to let me know. His son, Nick, died on August 16. My mom would die on August 18. I got the text from my fella on August 17. Those dates are relevant for you to understand the intense emotional circumstances he and I were experiencing.

Marvin and I had dated back in early 2009 but... both of us were still legally wed, although we were not living with our spouses. It didn't feel right and... in retrospect I realize now that I was in absolutely no condition to enter into a relationship. His son was an infant. My kids were not happy with the idea of me dating anyone so... it just didn't work.

We sparked up again at the end of 2010... started chatting, etc then on January 18, 2011, my world completely changed when I woke up with horrible back pain. That was the beginning of this nightmare of physical pain that would eventually force me to go on disability and change EVERYTHING in my life. He came to see me once after the pain started but... I just couldn't begin to understand how a relationship with anyone would work while I was dealing with my new normal. He was the last guy I kissed for... many, many years.

Over the years I would see him post pictures with women he was dating and... not gonna lie... I felt jealous. As far as I was concerned I would never, ever, ever date again. I could not imagine a situation where anyone would want to deal with the restrictions I live with on a daily basis... making plans that you have to cancel because of pain... being afraid to go more than twenty minutes from home in case the pain becomes to much to bear and I'm unable to get back home... avoiding anything and everything that could cause pain. I drew a very close circle around myself and shut pretty much everyone who wasn't family outside the circle. I didn't trust anyone to be able to deal with me and my pain.

So when Nick died, I had spent the past month- maybe month and a half- learning to grieve. I was ready. I knew a lot of stuff about grieving... the death of an older, sick person. Knowing that a perfectly healthy child went off on vacation and came home in a casket was beyond any level of pain I could possibly comprehend. My heart just broke for my fella (who was not my fella at that time, of course). I didn't have much to offer him but I did have time and so whereas normally I would not have responded to texts or answered phone calls, I made a point of being one hundred percent available to him. By helping him, I helped myself because I had someone who I could talk to who understood where I was in a tragically real way. We talked and texted a lot. He came to my mom's funeral which, honestly, was the most precious, selfless thing I could possibly imagine. He had Nick's funeral to attend the next day but he made the effort to be there for me. We weren't in a relationship, of course, at that point, so it was basically just a few minutes of chatting after the service and then I had the family stuff to do but just seeing him there... that was one person who was there purely out of concern for me... he had never even met my mom. It was such a precious thing to me.

I can't really say for certain at what point along the way I began to see us as a potential couple and not just two really broken people talking each other through a really painful time. We have tried to figure out what our "anniversary" is and the closest we can determine ... September 16th he came up to see me. We watched football and talked and... you know, hung out together... so it was somewhere between August 17th and September 16th that we decided we might like to spend time together. He came up again on September 30th and... same thing, basically.

I think it was the first or second week of October that I started going up on Tuesday nights for date night. Due to his work schedule, his weekend is basically Wednesday and Thursday so Tuesday night in his world = Friday night for most folks. He lives about 45 minutes away so... I can drive down and back in the same day if necessary but... we're grown ups so I usually stay overnight. I think we have kept that midweek date night fairly consistently ever since October. There have been a few exceptions where I came on Wednesday instead of Tuesday... and at some point it expanded from just Tuesday night to Tuesday and Wednesday night. Basically, though, that's the time I have set aside for my fella every single week and woe be unto any human who tries to come between me and "date night". It's essential for my mental stability.

**Disclaimer** I asked my fella if he wanted editorial control over any blogging I do about him, us, our relationship, etc and he said, "no.". He's a relatively private person and I would rather cut off my left arm (I'm left handed) than do or say anything to hurt him so believe me, blogging about our relationship has been something I've put a lot of thought into over the past few months. I do think that our relationship is unique for a lot of reasons that I'll go into in future blog posts and I think it might be interesting for those who might be entering the dating world as a more mature person... or a less-abled person... or a person who is dealing with grief and therefore a little more vulnerable than the average person. I think what we do, how it works for us, etc. is worth sharing and I'd like to do that if you're interested. I'd like to explore topics that are unique to more mature folks... and to explore the ways that dating is the same, no matter what your age!

For now, I'll just say that I'm having a great time and I really appreciate having a significant person in my life. He's a good man, he treats me well, he puts up with a lot and I think most of you would approve!