what's the point?

Started the day yesterday in a lot of pain. Had to be at work early for staff meeting. Staff meeting was a huge discouragement - one of those "you guys aren't getting the job done" kind of meetings. Go from meeting to the work day... huge number of claims due to hail storm on Friday in Clarkesville (the neighboring town where we have a lot of clients)... computers aren't working... a half dozen "challenging" emails. Huge number of phone calls I need to make. Had to run to the grocery store on lunch. Bought more than I could carry, hurt my back worse. Co-worker flipped out over computer problems while I was with a client... embarassing... stressful... problem with the end of day bank deposit... more stress... bumped my head... car wouldn't start...

Yeah. It was one of THOSE kind of days. I ended the day really dizzy, not sure if it was because of my blood pressure or bumping my head... regardless... I was in bed early... woke up at 4am this morning AGAIN in a lot of pain. Getting worse... sciatica making every step agony... stomach torn up again (although it does seem to settle down in time for work... it's very unpleasant)... computer is still extremely positional so every time I get up to go to the bathroom, the computer completely shuts down.

This week hasn't been that great so far. And as I was driving home yesterday and thinking about the really unpleasant day and how stressed I was and how I had so boldly talked about divine appointments in my blog yesterday... and I remembered a man who came into my office and emptied out his wallet to pay his insurance premium. I said, "that doesn't leave you any money... what are you going to use to buy your dinner?" and he looked at me wistfully and said, "God will provide" and I shared with him a time that I was completely out of food and how God had provided.

Then I remembered the young mother who called... her car had just been repossessed... we talked about her options and then I asked, "how's your grandmother doing?" Her grandmother is dying from cancer. She's not doing good. Her mother had to quit work to move in with grandmother to take care of her, leaving our client in a difficult position because mom had helped with childcare. She appreciated me asking.

Then I had an email from another client who thanked me for writing the week before to ask how her daughter's doctor's appointment went... she had a massive seizure, there was much concern... I thought about her last week and had sought to get an update.

Then we had to enter a statement on a corporate page about how we were going to make a difference for our clients and I thought... I DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE... and although some days it takes a lot out of me to make it... emotional struggle, physical struggle, discouragement, feelings of failure and shortcomings, trying to take care of the needs of our household when I don't have the strength or energy to do more than work - and really don't have the energy to do that. There is a purpose for me. There is a reason for this struggle. As removed as I feel from "the world" because of my health... I am still given ministry opportunities every single day.

It's all worth it. Even when it feels like it's not.

And yesterday... I had a great drive in to work, there was absolutely no traffic, the car ran great, I had a full gas tank, I got to work on time, my parents stopped by to see me, I had a Starbucks iced green tea for lunch and salad bar, I managed to get the groceries we needed on lunch, I was able to put child support in our account, I have a new power cord and battery coming, the bills are almost all paid, my co-workers and I were able to commiserate and support one another and pull together to survive a frustrating day with laughter, although my car sounded like it wasn't going to start, it did start and I made it home safely, Austin volunteered to bring in the groceries and put them away for me, we had these great bbq meatballs from the country bake shoppe (which Austin said made a great sandwich)... I went to bed early and slept great.

So... what's the point? It's not all good. It's not all bad. It's all worth it. I make a difference in this world. So do you.

Love and hugs, y'all!