if it ain't one thing... it's another...

I updated facebook yesterday but never came back here to update, mostly because I had a blinding headache and just couldn't string words together intelligently.

The doctors visit was productive. I didn't get to see my regular gal... saw another doctor in the practice that I had not ever seen, which, in a way was good because she had to take a little extra time to review things.

My blood pressure was 157/97 and my heart rate was in the tachycardic range again/still. When the doctor came into the room I was almost asleep... I'm that dizzy/tired and have been for... I don't know how long. I know I've been telling y'all for awhile that I'm exhausted.

The concern is that I'm on a beta blocker and have been for... I guess about two months now... and instead of my blood pressure and heart rate regulating, they're staying the same or getting higher. The other concern is that until I had the tachycardic episode in the doctors office that day, I had no idea that was what was happening. I have had times that I would have considered sort of a surge of adrenaline and/or anxiety but I had no idea that was because my heart rate was high. This has happened... I don't know... for a long time. It's gotten worse in conjunction with the increase of pain, that's for certain... but other than that, I don't really know a rhyme or reason to it. I tend to be calm in the face of what most people would consider stressful situations. there are exceptions - like when Austin was missing that last week of school. But professionally and even in personal situations that most people would consider stressful, I tend to have a sense of peace about me.

I asked the doctor if this was simply anxiety and she indicated that there were no other signs of anxiety... shaking, sweating, etc. The fact that I'm having dizziness, fatigue, and the fact that I'm feeling a really strong pounding pulse in my neck leads her to believe that I'm experiencing supraventricular tachycardia - SVT. This is a problem with the electrical impulses in the heart. If you followed the story of Stellan, McMama's little boy, this is what he had. The way they determine this is to have me wear an "event monitor" for two weeks and record how high my heart rate goes and how often it gets high. If it IS SVT, they will first try to manage it with specific medications and if those aren't successful with a cardiac ablation.

I don't understand why I can't be normal. Seriously. I don't know a way to articulate it better than that but... honestly... it feels like there's always something. I feel so much guilt about the fact that I'm not healthy... and then when I push through and try to tough it out, I feel guilty about not taking care of myself. From the kidney infections that wouldn't go away to the bronchitis and granulomas in my lungs... to the half a dozen different things wrong with my back that hit out of nowhere to the return of the high blood pressure and these durn episodes of a racing heart rate. I'm just sick to death of it all and I know that the people in my life are even sicker of it. People don't ask how I am. And honestly... I don't really volunteer the information because I am so self-conscious about how people will judge me - think I'm exaggerating or a hypochondriac or I don't know. Other than blogging... I keep it all to myself.

I will say this, though, I have been corresponding with a lady from my church who I really don't know well in real life... our paths have crossed but if not for facebook, I would have probably not gotten to know her other than by face and name. She has also been dealing with an avalanche of sorts of medical issues and we had a great "conversation" yesterday about how beautifully God works through these situations. The more isolated I become because of medical issues, the more I rely on the Lord to get me through. I could not get through a single day without Him. I would have long since given up if not for Him. Even the very basic things like a trip to the grocery store have become a reason for me to rely on Him. I have nothing. Literally. I can't depend on money or on my own strength... or on a significant other... everything I have is because of Him.

You wanna know a secret that I think most people miss? NONE of us can depend on those things. Spouses can leave your life for a variety of different reasons, through death or infidelity or whatever... Money, no matter how much you amass, can be taken away from you... and money can't buy happiness or health... And no matter how healthy and strong you are, you are a split second away from something that changes that. I have lost a lot over the past few years... there's a lot of stuff I've never had to start with... but God has never failed me. Never. Not even when I failed Him.

So I look at these things... these light and momentary troubles... and realize how blessed I am to have needed Him so desperately.

Anyways... back to the SVT... I have to go to the heart center in Gainesville to get set up with the event monitor. The hope was that we could do that yesterday but they couldn't fit me in. Truth be told, I couldn't have driven down there yesterday even if they had been able to schedule me that quickly. I have to go to the pain doctor on Monday and I would love to combine the visit to the heart center with that trip down to civilization... but in the meantime I'm supposed to avoid all caffeine except for my morning cup... not supposed to take any over the counter cold meds or cough meds... rest... avoid exertion and overheating... and go to the ER if things intensify.

So that's what I'm doing. I went to the grocery store before 7am to beat the heat outside. I'm tucked in the nest for the weekend... enjoying my revitalized laptop and watching the trial. Hope you're all safe, happy, healthy and enjoying your weekend! Love and hugs!