Random Thursday

It's thankful Thursday and two weeks before Thanksgiving... so I'm going to give this whole "positive thinking" thing a spin. I'm trying. I'm going to just list out some things that are heavy on my heart and trust God to turn them into positives... I'm determined...

Work hasn't been going great for me lately. There's always someone who is the "odd man out" and lately that's been me. I don't engage in a lot of the chatter that goes on... God has really burdened my heart about not participating in gossip or in putting people down. I've been working hard at that... and that leaves me out of some of the bonding that goes on. But I've decided that I can't be sincere in my Christian walk as long as I'm hurting other people with the things I say.

Now... the frustration in that comes from being so sincere at heart in trying to do the best I can for everyone and still having people get upset with you for things that you thought were helpful or constructive or kind. The older I get, the less I understand how people tick. I haven't given up though. My job has always required prayer. At every job. In every trade. Prayer for success, for positive interaction with clients and co-workers. For appropriate compensation. God meets my needs.

Health wise... this week has been a flash back of just about every illness I've faced in the past year. Congestion. Headaches. Earaches. Upset stomach. You name it! Even my pinkie toe has hurt. I think it's mostly stress related and honestly.... I think it's partly a spiritual thing. I'm working hard at pushing through when I can and yet balancing that with allowing myself rest when I need. God is good. I'm trusting him to be my healer.

Austin has been sick too. He's worn out. He's not sleeping well. He's made a lot of friends around here and he wants to go-go-go. I think it's tiring for him, though, the extra stimulation. He manages his autism so well that most of the time I forget he even has it. Until he gets back home and curls up in his favorite tv watching spot and I know... he's had enough. He will get frustrated by loud sounds or bright light. He's overcome so much... I'm proud of him.

Have I mentioned that child support is still really spotty? Robert is out of work again/still. I have been praying - and I asked some friends to pray as well - that I would have a Godly response to the situation. Yes, he owes. Yes, he should pay. God knows that it would make things much easier for us. Yet... in Isaiah it says that "the Lord your maker is your husband" and I am a living testimony of that. All of these financial gaps keep being met. It works. Yesterday Robert sent me an email that he is still out of work and struggling. I felt burdened to pray for his financial stability. It's not really up to me to figure out how sincere he is in his job search ... I figured it would be easier to just pray for God to bless him and trust God to burden his heart to do the right thing by Austin.

When austin was a brand new baby there was a sweet little girl at our church named Joy who was ten years old at the time. She LOVED Austin. She had the opportunity to bond with him fairly early because Cody was in the hospital when Austin was three weeks old and Joy's family helped care for Ryan and Austin. I had a baby carrier and Joy loved to wear it and carry Austin around like her little living baby doll. She was so sweet with him... Yesterday Joy had her own baby! She's 25 now (I think) and she gave birth to a little baby girl. It made me feel like life had been fastforwarded...

My anxiety is at the greatest it's been since I moved here. I think it's fearing the holidays ahead - there's so much pressure to buy and I can't afford to- there's the pressure of family obligations and I feel so distant from my family that it is uncomfortable for me. I really grieve for those who are missing and not a part of things. I grieve for my children who have grown up and moved past our traditions. I grieve for others who are lonely and depressed at the holidays... too much is expected and it drains so many resources that I don't have. I need to start a support group for people who feel the same way...

Last Thanksgiving was nice, though, in that I got to spend a lot of time with a cousin that I don't see often... I got to have breakfast with my friend, Mary.... there were good things. Christmas stunk... I was so broke and really stressing over even having enough for Austin and I to have a decent Christmas dinner. Seriously... one day we'll look back on it and laugh... but the ONE place we found open up here was a high priced chinese restaurant and I only had enough money for us to split an entree... and of course, everyone SPLURGES on Christmas so the waiter looked at me like I was a reject from the Hosea Feed the Hungry and Homeless dinner. Bah Humbug!

Anyways... I have not forgotten how far I've come. These are light and momentary troubles. There is beauty all around me. There is a lot of love and kindness in this world. God continues to meet every need - financial, emotional, physical - and although I don't have my "happily ever after" .... I have my daily bread and I have hope. I am continuing to learn that all blessings are from above. I don't have to trust in any person... any situation... God will meet my needs wherever and however I am.

Just keep us in your prayers... and if you know someone in your orbit that may be having a difficult time this year, show them a little extra consideration. Love and hugs to all of you!