My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Don't Stop Lovin' Yourself

Everybody seems to be blogging and twittering and facebooking about their resolutions.
I don't have any.
My goal this year is to stay strong and keep overcoming the obstacles that would knock most people to the ground.
My back is killing me this morning but I'm going to go to work and work as hard as I can and then come home and crash and that... to me... is an accomplishment.
To do that which you shouldn't be able to do... that is true courage.
Others may look in and see me as a part timer who lives with her parents and spends 18 hours a day curled up in a recliner on a heating pad.
I see myself as a brave, strong, overcomer who does the hard stuff.
So. Instead of looking back over the past year and mourning the loss of my independence, grieving over grievances, wishing things were different....
I look back over the last year and see someone who kept on going when it would have been ok to quit. I see someone who kept it together mentally and emotionally in really trying circumstances. I see someone who has accepted the unacceptable and found her way through the darkness.
I see how beautifully God has woven the tapestry of my life and I feel ten feet tall and bulletproof.
If I made it through LAST YEAR with a smile on my face, I can survive anything.
For that matter... this month marks the second anniversary of when this battle with chronic pain started and I am still going.
For that matter... I survived a nightmare of a marriage... after another "happily ever after" that didn't pan out like the fairy tales said it would... and I raised three kids without any of them getting arrested or knocking anybody up... and they're all really incredible, amazing, loving and kind young men.
Most of the people, things and activities that I enjoyed for most of my adult life have faded away... I've watched the seasons of my life change... and just like we hate for summer to fade into fall, we soon remember how much we appreciate the beauty of the changing leaves... I've also found out that even though the scenery has changed, I love this season too.
I'm overweight and I'm ok with it. I have learned to embrace who I am.
I want you to be ok with who you are.
The thing is... if you love yourself, if you believe in yourself, you learn to get past the things that this world tells us should matter.
I'm single and I'm ok with it. I would rather live the rest of my life as a satisfied single than spend my life pining over "the one(s) that got away". I don't like the process of struggling to market myself in the dating scene. I don't like being rejected and/or rejecting others. There's too much physical pain in my life to battle with emotional pain any more. I'd rather not wait for him to call back or wonder if he really likes me or spend another second of my life trying to impress anyone else.
I'm not saying I'm perfect or that my way is the best way, I'm just saying that it's ok to be ok with who you already are. We all have room for improvement yet, you can't stop loving yourself in the process.
All those years that I was battling to be thin enough for someone to love me... I got thin(ner) and look what it caused! Heartbreak and discouragement and ... no. I don't want to ever go back there. If I had loved who I was I wouldn't have accepted anyone who only wanted to love me if I would change.
The bottom line is that I love my cats and my chocolate more than I love any man and more than I want to be a size 8.
I learned last year to stop apologizing for who I am.
Resolutions make us start every stinkin' year feeling like we are not ok.
Let me share a secret with you: if you woke up this morning, you're ok. If you have the courage to get out of bed, go to a job or stay home taking care of a family, if you have the strength to do the things you must do to survive, you're ok.
If you want to improve yourself, that's ok. Just don't stop loving who you already are.
Happy New Year.