My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Yesterday was a trying and emotional day for me. I didn't stay awake long enough to check but it sure feels like a full moon... it was pure lunacy.

I dealt with everything from a demanding client who told me he was coming at the end of the day today and expecting me to stay until he understood his bill...

then got a phone call from someone I dearly love and respect who wanted me to do more than I can do... and once again I got hit with the guilt about how limited I feel physically and how desperately lonely this situation has become for me and how much I feel like my life has slipped away and I can't find the strength to do anything that matters to me... no matter how much it matters to me... and I just don't have the words, articulate though I may be, to explain this to people... and even when I can explain it... it doesn't matter, truly, the fact is I am just not able to do what I want or need to do... and I hung up the phone wiping tears away...

just like I did when Cody asked me to come down for his birthday... and I can't explain to my kid that I love him but I'm not physically able to spend four hours driving over a weekend because I know it will render me unable to work the next full week... if I don't use my weekend to alleviate some of the pressure off my back, the pain is too much for me to work. And I have to work. There aren't enough of us on staff for me to not work. And there aren't enough of me here earning money to pay the bills if I don't work.

Three times this week I've had to say, "i'm sorry, I want to be there... but I physically can't be there" and even if people get it... I just feel so sorry that I'm not who people want me to be any more. I've spent more than a years salary on medical bills this year and it doesn't help... it doesn't fix me... I still have doctors look at me and shake their heads and basically say there's nothing they can do to make me not hurt... except take this pill or that pill or ... stop sitting for 8 hours a day... lose 50 pounds... but don't do any exercise other than swimming or under the guidance of physical therapy...

and so I boohoo'ed the whole way home from work, trying to figure out a way to do what I wanted/needed to do... despite the pain... trying to summon the courage to push through it...

and then the neighbors wanted to consult with me about a blow up between their child and mine at school... they were very kind and it wasn't accusatory or anything, it was just a "we have a problem and we need to work on it", which I appreciate. They understand Austin and they have a wisdom that I respect... I'm really growing to love these folks for how kind and well, neighborly, they have been to us. it was just more conflict and discussion than I wanted to deal with at the end of the day when I was already emotional.

And then, in the mail, I have a judgment against me for a credit card from Jacksonville that had a $500 balance, which, by the time I got settled and had the money to start repaying it, they had tacked on over a thousand dollars more in interest, which I disputed unsuccessfully... and now I have to pay over $2000 in interest and fees... which I am court ordered to repay at the rate of $100 a month - my savings in rent, fortunately/unfortunately, since the lightning strike...

And so I thought we were on our way to church, as Austin had a volunteer to bring him home (God bless Vanessa!) but then he decided he wasn't going to go unless Logan could go but then I'd have to drive all the way back to Cleveland AND I would need to stay long enough to take Logan home. I was struggling to even get there myself... and then Austin refused to go if Logan couldn't go because he said nobody else wanted to talk to him - other than grownups - which I doubt is true, entirely, but I understand that Logan is his security blanket.

and after all that drama... my stomach cramps came back and I was doubled over in pain... actually, came back is not the right term... reared up and geared up... and I debated calling 9-1-1 but decided to just take my meds and go to sleep.

but the cats were fighting and screeching and ... finally I went to sleep... after doing none of what I wanted to do. Again.

So this morning I wake up and am stuffed up and congested and short of breath and the stomach cramps are there - milder - but still - and I am going to get my glam on... do the best I can to pull myself together and go to work... until "as long as it takes" to make this guy understand his billing.

Because that's just how I roll these days. Work. Sleep. And pretty much nothing else.

And now... with that lengthy continuation from Whiny Wednesday... it's time for me to change to my Thankful Thursday attitude:

1. I'm thankful for a job. Many days it feels like too much for me physically... but I love what I do and I love the people I meet.

2. Yesterday I had two different clients ... wait... actually... I had four different clients! who told me how much they enjoyed working with me and how much they appreciate me. So... four "yays" and one "nay" is actually a pretty good day.

3. I'm so grateful that we do have good neighbors... that Austin is accepted here... that it's more than just a transitional home, as many apartment dwellers look at it... it's a home, a real neighborhood, with people who know each other and care about each other and care about the relationships they have with their neighbor.

4. I'm grateful for people who love me enough to say, "I know you hurt but I miss you and want to see you". Because it's not easy to convince me, not easy to overcome my objections. It would be easier for them not to push me... it's nice to be loved.

5. I'm grateful that God moved us from where we were to where we are. I can see now how important it was for me to be in a place that allowed more give in my budget.... so that every little interruption in income, every addition in obligation wouldn't be devastating.

6. I'm grateful for my little car being paid off... for it's awesome gas mileage...

7. I'm grateful for two little furry cuddle kitties who like to perch on either side of me, as close at they can get.

8. I'm grateful for the beauty all around me... not just in the natural beauty of this place, but the beautiful souls that surround me and encourage me and catch me when I fall.

And... I'm even grateful for the rebellious nearly grown kid that I've had to attempt to wake up - FOUR TIMES this morning so far. He's dragging. I'm dragging. But we're still moving...

God is good.
Have a great Thursday y'all...


mawmaw said...

There is a reason for people with fibromyalgia and chronic pain to be depressed, a lot of people just do not understand!

Anonymous said...

I found you by way of another blog and I was meant to be here. I feel your pain, literally and figuratively. You sound like me most days but you keep on moving forward and that's all we can do. It's hour by hour. I too find a can loose a day without so much as acknowledging myself or another. I hate those days!! But, I know come morning I have a chance to recoup what was lost. I look forward to getting to know you. Stop by when you can. Hugs. Tammy