feelin' the love!

Whichever one of you is praying for me to be filled with joy today! God Bless you! I have been exceedingly glad. I don't know how else to say it... TIGGER, bouncing off the walls, happy... which is really significant because it was exactly six months ago today that I was in the deepest, darkest place of my life. God is amazing! I wish I could bottle and sell what I'm feeling because everyone should know this kind of joy!

My childhood friends - Teresa, Debbie and Angela (they're sisters) - their mom had open heart surgery on Monday and is doing so well she will be released from the hospital tomorrow! I'm so glad to see the continuing power of prayer in their lives and pray for mom to continue to recover. They lost their dad a few years ago.

I heard a great story today for my "life in a small town" file...
This old timer slowed down to turn into his driveway and was struck from behind. The police were called (the one who told me said, "poh-leece" if that helps you hear the story better!). As they investigated the accident it became apparent that Old timer had not signaled before turning. He explained it to the poh-leece-mun this way, "Well, Bill... you know I've been living in that same house for fifty years. I figgered everybody in these parts knew I'd be turning into my driveway". He didn't get a ticket. This is a true story.

Kelly - I'm thinking that if you come to my neck of the woods, I can surely find you a place to stay! Give me the dates... I'm all a-tingle just thinking about it! I'd be willing to bet that we could get Mary to come over from Alabama for a visit at the same time... we might even be able to wage a full-scale Blogger Babe attack if we're careful! I bet I could even get the fabulous Dr. Drake to make an appearance if we give him a few months notice so he can work us into his incredibly busy schedule. The Bear is too much of a Snuffalupagus for a command performance but I think I could plan a full day of Corset fun for you and yours.

Speaking of the fabulous Dr. Drake... am I a Joan Rivers or a Tina Turner? Hmmm... I think in some ways I'm a bit more of a Tina, regrettably. I've almost decided I want to keep the name, mostly out of laziness. I figure... at some point in the future I'll marry again and it's already such a huge pain to document Gant to Sauls to Darby. I can't imagine the headache of documenting Gant to Sauls to Darby to Gant to ... whatever. And in some ways, remembering the Darby is healthy for me. It's a measurement for me of just how far I've come.

As I was telling Austin last night when he asked for the thirty-third time since Monday if I could maybe just please possibly consider going back to Sauls... I love the Darbys. Some of 'em might not think I'm exactly a gem right now but I have an enormous amount of respect for them. I love my (soon to be ex) mother-in-law. I think she's such a strong, intelligent woman. I adored my (STBE) sister-in-law, ditto for her. and Tim was always a great source of entertainment and usually had my back (at least to my face) and prayed for me, which means so much to me, especially now! I love the Darby kids. I will always see Stephen as my step-son. I will always worry after Bobby. I will always remember Elijah screaming "I love you, Curious George" during our visit to the library and Christopher greeting me with an excited "Aunt Heather's here!" I'll always remember Charity getting on Uncle Mike's case when he took the bread away from me at her 21st birthday dinner...

What I'm saying... obviously, bad stuff happened during that time period in my life but it wasn't all bad stuff. There are lots of great memories and I'm grateful. I was proud to be Michael's wife, up until that last month or so. My heart breaks at the thought that he didn't know how to accept or return my love. I mean... you guys all know that I'm a loving person! Some of you know just from what you read here! So imagine living with me... having me wear myself out to show you love and respect and you still being unable to feel loved. There was the potential for greatness.

The thing is... I have more spiritual and emotional intimacy with you guys than I ever had with my husband. I never knew what he was doing or where he was going or what his plans were. I wasn't included in any important decisions or allowed to even go shopping with him unless it just happened to be on the way we were already going and even then I had very little say in what was bought. Bobby had more spending power than me! I say this not out of bitterness but because the key to me in not grieving is realizing that I didn't lose much more than frustration and hurt. How I wish there could have been more! How I longed to know his secrets and to be his confidant and to spend time with him and to share those little inside jokes and to grow to be each other's best friend. I make a great friend. My heart grieves not for my own loss, but for his, in what he had without knowing... my heart will go on, not to be sappy, but the truth is that I AM a great girl and I have an enormous amount of love to give and there will be some lucky man to benefit from Michael's loss.

My yiddish is a bit weak, Robert, so you may have to translate schmegeggie for me! I don't know much more of them-there Jewish terms than what I learned doing Crossing Delancey. But the truth is that we lived in a house of cards and they all came tumbling down. There's nothing to gain from him. It's not a matter of not having anything to lose, there's just nothing to gain. Fighting back - in the sense of contesting the divorce - means the cost of retaining an attorney, traveling to Jacksonville - probably more than once - time, emotional energy and money that I just don't have. I may regret it some day, just as I regret much of my relationship with him, but I am not in a position to fight. It's not a matter of choice for me. Poor people have to just trust God to fight for them, like it says in Exodus 14:14 - "the Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still".

In this, I need to be still. Jeanne, I'll scan the papers in today and try to email them to you. It's really just a form that says, "it didn't work" and "we ain't got nuttin'". It's not sinister. There's nothing hidden... there's nothing to it. Mary, ditto, I'll let you see if you find any hint of danger.

Well. Typing this has taken my whole lunch hour, what with interruptions and trying to scarf down a smart ones calzone and some cheese and crackers. I still have a yogurt parfait to go... maybe later...

Loved ones, know that you are all so precious to me... I pray that God returns to you ten-fold the blessing that you have been for me. Six months later and... life is good!
love and hugs, y'all!