My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Friday, March 27, 2009

the truth will set you free

Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

In some ways I've had a hard time articulating lately. It's like... I've been in such a place of deep introspection that unless you were with me and had it all in context, it just wouldn't make sense to you. Some days it's more like I just absorb things rather than think them. I have been in a place of true peace. Peace that passes all understanding.

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7

Getting the divorce papers gave me a sense of closure. I haven't mailed them back yet. I have to do that very soon. Of course, if I don't mail them back, then it just happens. I either have to dispute or agree or do nothing. There is a form I have to get off the internet and include with the papers and I just haven't done it yet.

Getting the divorce papers also brought me to a place of peace. I no longer have to convince Michael of anything. I no longer have to battle him. I no longer have to carry the burden of worrying where we will live and whether he'll take this job or that job or whether or not he's coming home at night. There was so much instability in my relationship with him, which is ironic, as I was seeking stability when I moved in with him.

The truth that set me free was knowing that all of the things that I was looking for in Michael, I already had in myself. It's in knowing that all of the things that I think I need from a relationship, I already have. I'm really ok all by myself. After my first divorce I worked so hard at having someone in my life. Anyone. Under any conditions. It was as if I was afraid of what people would think about me if I wasn't "coupled". That I would be pitied. That there would be assumptions of why I was alone. That I was a caricature of a lonely fat girl with a bunch of gay men around her. I tried to validate myself through relationships. And in that search for validation, found one unstable relationship after another.

There is an enormous amount of freedom in knowing that there is only one opinion that matters: God's. If I am where He wants me to be, I will be stable and safe and happy. Even when things go wrong, I am happy. Even when the sands are shifting and my balance is off and I feel like I'm falling, I am stable. The days of my life are already numbered and He knows how long I have. He knows how I will die and when I will die and there is nothing that can pluck me from His hand.

Nothing. Not even myself.

I don't have to be alone. There are a couple of guys in my life who want to be a bigger part of my life and I have said no. I have chosen to be where I am, to be who I am, to be how I am. I decided that I can't trust myself to give my heart to anyone with any sense of security that my heart will be safe. I can't risk the kind of devastation and hurt I felt with Michael. I can't risk feeling that desperate ever again. So my deal with God is that my heart is His and He can choose who to give it to. Until He does, if He ever does, I will be satisfied that what I have is what I'm supposed to have.

There is someone special in my life. Someone that I really dig. Someone who understands me spiritually and accepts the craziness of my recent life and the drama that has surrounded me. He is honest with me and he cares enough about me to say, "girl, you are NOT ready". He encourages me to heal and to not rush. He is kind and funny and caring. He calls me in the middle of the day and makes me laugh - no matter what kind of mood I'm in. He's the one person who understood on the day that I found out Michael had filed for divorce that I was sad because I loved Michael. He asks nothing of me. He sends me bible verses. We discuss theology. Michael was smart - the smartest man I've ever known. This man is wise. He puts God first. He prioritizes his family. He is honest and open and disciplined. I've spent a lot of time talking to him and I will tell you honestly, that I hoped that he was "the one". But it has become clear to me that he isn't.

It would seem that would be discouraging... but not really. Some of the most precious people in my life have come into my life through platonic situations. Purple Michael - I love him. He always makes me laugh. I know he's there for me... but he will never fall in love with me. I can't imagine life without him. Attorney Matt - my little brother in Christ - wise and talented and adorable and precious - but he is a brother and I knew right away that he would always be a brother to me. My friend Scott - Scooter - who has been around so long that I have pictures of him changing Ryan's diapers! - he's an amazing man of God and good lookin' - but I know who he is meant to be in my life and I'm so glad to call him friend. Robert Drake - who really *gets* romance and knows how to say and do the right things and who sends me great postcards and leaves incredible comments on my blog. He is a friend. And I have brothers and sons and stepsons and cousins... can you see how blessed I am?

The truth is that God brought another treasure into my life right at the time He knew I would need a friend who could speak the truth in love to me. God knew I needed someone who understood me even when I didn't understand myself and who would earn my respect to such a degree that he could hold a mirror in front of me and force me to take an honest look. I am so grateful. I am even more grateful to not have the pressure of romance. He's right. I'm not ready. I'm not healed. I'm not "over it". I'm at peace. I'm no longer bitter. I am at a place that I never thought I'd be as far as forgiveness is concerned. Truth has set me free.

Ok. Enough of the serious stuff. Today I broke out in hives and I have never done that before. I'm not sure what caused it. I'm taking the same meds that I've been taking for awhile. I haven't added anything new. I had my standard yogurt for breakfast, kashi meal for lunch. I had the fruit and walnut salad from McDonalds today - which wasn't soft but it was healthy and sooo good! I was emailing with Whitney at the time and she said, "quick, get some benadryl". But I can't take it with the other stuff I'm on. I had an appointment coming in and I just did what Duane calls, "fake it until you make it". I did. I'm still feeling a bit tingly and weird but... it hasn't spread.

The local Kiwanis talent show was tonight and I wanted to go but also wanted some good nest time. Tomorrow is Joshy's wedding... it's going to be a long, wet day. It's supposed to be an outdoor wedding but they have plans "b and c" if necessary. I have wardrobe plans a, b and c as well. I'm going early so I can take pictures and I'll share them. Josh is gorgeous and his bride is gorgeous and I'm gonna be a soppy, sappy mess but I'm so happy for him!

Time to hit save... this laptop still isn't repaired and the odd position I'm having to sit in is making me ache. Love y'all!

6 comments: said...

Maybe you should talk to someone in therapy to help you sort out your feelings. Just a thought.

slj said...

I think you're in a good place to be.
No matter how much someone hurts us, it hurts to get the actual divorce papers.
You're doing great, keep it up.

Anonymous said...

"The truth that set me free was knowing that all of the things that I was looking for in Michael, I already had in myself."

Ah-Hah! Good! Now things get better and more interesting.

You've come far. Good. Now you can make choices more on your own terms AND when you're ready.

I would say that relationships and social situations reward us on a myriad of ways.

You clearly have merged from this as a more religious person. You have a more devout outlook.

Here is the question: what were you unable to do before because of your fears, that now, having strengthened your faithful connections, you're able to do?

Clearly understanding the interplay between terra firma and a more eternal world is part of that for you. Rock on. Study hard and as your reach new enlightenment, please let the rest of us know.

Are there worldly things that you'd like as well?

The divorce papers come at an interesting time too. Thought you look it, you're not 25 anymore. In some ways, you have fewer responsibilities than you had both 1 year and 10 years ago.

You'll have more time for you. More decisions that revolve around your own happiness.

I hope you will permit yourself to revel in that freedom a bit; both in terms of 'freedom from' and in terms of 'free to'.

As for intimate companionship, your ontology should drive your peacefulness! From the point of view of the fated, if your follow your instincts and the eternal golden braid of your faith, one would think the right person will come along at the right time... No?

It is among the places where your theology is truly liberating.

I say let freedom ring for you. Ring a bell, light a candle, read much, and live large.

That's what I say.

Lisa said...

What a wonderful entry... I can see you are going through all the normal and healthy emotions of divorce... I remember mine well enough to recognize much of what you wrote here as all good and part of the healing process. Hope the hives are gone and that you have a wonderful weekend...
Lisa in Kentucky

Unknown said...

you are sounding so healthy!!! Not that I am the perfect person...but after my divorce for my first husband, I jumped right into a relationship and got soo hurt. after that hurt, I decided that I neded to learn to love being with me, love being me, loving loving knowing that I could survive and live with just me and be happy with just me...and when I became happy that way, then ernie surprisingly stepped into my life when I was NOT looking! and here we are we have been together almost 22 years ( in May), 4 of them dating long distance and married 18...

You are so right...take you time and you will know when you are ready!

Estela said...

A most hopeful entry. :) I think the hardest lesson to learn is to realize that within ourselves we have all we need to be happy. I am glad that you are coming to realize this. I firmly believe that by giving God the reins you will be led to the right person at the right time. Until then enjoy your peace. Hugs.