My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Can I Be Thankful on Friday Too?

With all three of my pregnancies, there came a point where I was no longer able to function at my normal level of productivity and I just sort of... well, nested. With each boy the amount of time differed based on my health and various complications... and I had many... but after the appointed time, each was delivered, safely, and I almost immediately returned to my normal level of activity. There is nothing that can compare to dropping so much body weight in such a short period of time! I nested, I rested and I was delivered (both literally and figuratively).  I can so vividly remember soaking in the tub the night before Austin was born and praying, "Lord, if you'll just let me deliver this child, I promise to NEVER get 'us' in this position again!" About 12 hours later Austin was born and I have held true to that promise.

That's *almost* what this current stage of life feels like for me: the quiet inactivity and nesting, waiting to be "delivered" from my afflictions. There is that same sense of anticipation. There is that same thought process of "if I can just hang in there for..." however much time.... I will be physically, emotionally and spiritually prepared for what lies ahead. The days pass slowly and conversely, fly by. I am so grateful that I am not laboring (literally) under a burden of pain that sitting at a desk eight hours a day was causing. I look back and I honestly can't imagine how I ever managed. There is still a lot of pain. If I forget, all I have to do is carry out the garbage or sweep the floor or do anything that involves repetitive motion or weight bearing. But the pain, mercifully, is lessened by the decreased demand on my body.

I don't exactly know what the next stage of life holds. I'm not anxious. I'm not afraid. God has provided so beautifully for us that this "season" of life feels so anointed! I'm both in a hurry to see what lies ahead and reluctant to rush through and cut short what God had ordained for me. I'm praying less but feeling more connected to a Greater Power, if that makes sense. I don't have the distractions that I have had for literally all of my adult life. I don't have the responsibilities of balancing work, motherhood, a significant other. I almost don't know how to act! I don't feel bored or lonely. I wish I was able to wander farther and have more faith in my own strength. Yet... I really enjoy not having the burden of doing more than I feel capable of doing.

We are still feeling weak from the ickies earlier in the week. That was a nasty, ugly, miserable virus. I'm so grateful to not have to rush back to work while I'm still weak and risk exposing others. From that... and from all the other things that I've been through in the last few years, my body needed a rest. I think back to the fact that I went from death's door to a psych ward to a situation where I had to be well enough - physically and emotionally - to get a job, find a place to live, resettle a very unsettled teenager in the space of literally two weeks... I can't even imagine how anyone could survive those circumstances! And then to be hit with a laundry list of physical ailments over the past four years that individually would have been a heavy load to bear but the sum of them... absolutely exhausted me. On the days that I sit here and just rest... I don't feel entitled but I do feel like it makes perfect sense.

I was perfectly happy to continue to work for as long as I could work. I loved the interaction with my customers, I loved making a difference but I also know that God's timing is perfect and that His hands are not tied by our earthly whims. I know that I am where I was meant to be for such a time as this and I am grateful that no weapon formed against me was able to prosper. Throughout the story of my life, time and time again, He has proven to me that what man means for my harm, God uses for my good. I'm so grateful to be *that girl*. I also know that whatever He has for me next, whether it's full time work, or part time work or... whatever... I know that it will be accomplished in His time.

This sounds more like a Thankful Thursday post than a Friday ... but that's what's on my heart today. Praying that you feel loved, blessed, chosen, called, favored, peaceful... in your own way as well. Love and hugs!


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