My responsibility to you - Ephesians 4:29

I woke up just as the first light was beginning to shine through the woods outside our little nest. Gentle breezes are making rustling sounds through the trees and the birds are singing. My kid is still sound asleep and the kitties are in their respective perches, appreciating their lazy lives.

I'm having an awesome cup of coffee with amaretto flavored creamer. Battling a little bit of a headache and a good bit of pain in my back. Uncomfortable but not unbearable. I could easily go back to sleep but I hate to miss this beautiful morning. Sleeping is for the time when you can't look out and see the splendor all around you. I want to memorize this view so that I can treasure it the rest of my life, wherever life may take us.

Yesterday I applied for a full time job in Macon, Georgia. Who knows if I could get it? It's so far away from where we live - about three hours. I'm just going to open my mind and heart to whatever God has for me. In some ways, it's about restoring my confidence which has been more than shattered over the past year and a half. I need a clear, unclouded perspective of my value as an employee that is not influenced by someone who intends to cause me harm.

I wish that I had never heard the things I heard him say against others. It makes me realize that it is likely he will say the same - or worse - about me. I'm in such a place of insecurity already, knowing that physically, whatever I do is going to hurt. Wherever I go, I'm going  to struggle just to overcome my own limitations. Having to overcome the false accusations against me is another huge barrier for me. I'm truthfully, very discouraged about my prospects.

Therefore... whatever would have been difficult already in this economy... whatever would have been difficult due to my disability... whatever would have been difficult because of someone who seeks to destroy my career and livelihood (for what gain, I can't fathom)... these things together seem like an impossible situation. The good news is that I serve a God who specializes in hopeless causes. I know this because He continues to make a way for me when there seems to be no way.

The fact that it is such a bleak prospect gives room for God to show all of us who He really is. I have to keep my focus on the eternal perspective of all of this. The bigger my problem, the bigger the faith that is required, the bigger the blessings His solution provides, the richer my testimony becomes and the more that my situation inspires others.

I know that this page, this blah-g is my testimony. I've been reading a lot about another blogger who has held herself up to be an example and somewhere along the way lost her perspective. She was lifted up with many following her... and her change of attitude is now a source of great frustration and discouragement to others. Many question her faith and now use her as an example against Christianity.

My blah-g sees about 100 faces a day. It is such a small, small number of readers compared to what many bloggers have but I feel a sense of accountability for each and everyone who reads here. There are some who come because they care about me and want to know how I am doing. There are some who come because they wish me harm and want to witness my demise. That's ok. I'm responsible for them all, I will one day stand before God and answer to how I used my small amount of influence.

So I will say this to you: I don't know what my future holds. I pray that God will allow us to be HERE because I love it here so much. I am doubtful that will happen, hopeful but doubtful. God has been preparing my heart for a season of change. I only know one thing for certain: whatever circumstances I am in, God will be there with me. Wherever I go, whatever I do, it is my belief that He intends for me to live my life out loud so that others will be encouraged by my life.

If my struggles, disappointments, frustrations and ... ultimate victories...bring encouragement to anyone else that changes their ability to deal with struggles, disappointments and frustrations... then it will have been worth it. I am willing to be an example. I appreciate so much that you are willing to listen, that you are willing to come here. It feels sometimes like a one-sided conversation (like talking to my cats) but I know that you are out there and that you care and that you (most of you) are praying, wishing, hoping for the best for me.

May the love of God take root in all of your hearts. May you know Him better. May you find salvation through Him. May your life be an encouragement to others. Love and hugs!

(I had another passage of scripture picked out but this one really jumped out at me... it is my admonition to myself!)

Ephesians 4:29

 ²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.