My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Road Trips Freak Me Out

Georgia State Map - Cities, Roads, Counties, Rivers, Lakes, Topo

I tried to put a map here but it is just a link... so if you feel like following along with me... I'm going from White county in the way Northeast Georgia... to Clayton County... around the middle... to Lincoln county in the East, around the middle. That's my planned road trip.

I'm nervous. Austin and I are heading down to my parents' house today and it's the farthest I've driven in a long time. I'm scared that I will get dizzy (because I do - a lot). Or be in pain. My piriformis syndrome kicks in when I drive (that's the nerve that hits you in the place I would keep my wallet if I were a guy - the neurologist describes it as "sitting on a wallet syndrome") My spine feels like it's collapsing on itself when I sit for long. My legs grow weak when I sit at a 90 degree angle. Yesterday I had ants crawling all over my left foot and didn't realize it. I worry that I will not be able to hide how I feel. Or... have a boogie monster climb into the backseat. It's that irrational. Fear can paralyze you if you let it.

I'm not going to let it. We need to be there for Gramps' funeral. We need to take advantage of the opportunity to visit with Grandma. My dad has planned for him, me and Grandma to go to Lincolnton on Monday to visit with her "kin folk" (my term - not hers) out there. We'll stay overnight there and then be back at my parents' on Tuesday ... back home on Tuesday afternoon/evening.

I'm terrified about spending two nights away from my own bed.  I can manage my pain in my own nest. I can control all the variables and do what I need to do - and avoid the things that cause pain - in my own nest. Driving/riding in a car/visiting people/sleeping in a different bed - all of those things present variables I can't control. I worry about my blood pressure. I worry about this crazy swelling that I keep having and the pain the swelling causes on the joints in my feet.

It's like... I can't swim too far from the shore because I'm not certain I can get back... at least not pain-free. I need to walk on a treadmill instead of climbing a mountain because I need to be able to bail whenever I need to. I worry about falling short. Not having the strength to do what I need to do. I won't relax until it's Tuesday and I'm back in my nest.  It's frustrating that I can't just wander and roam.

I haven't packed yet. I haven't hemmed Austin's pants and I might not. I asked him to try them on for me to get the right length starting at about 3pm yesterday. He kept putting it off - getting aggravated that I was asking. You snooze, you lose, know what I mean? I've got to straighten my hair - that's my best bet for it being reasonably presentable with minimal work over the next day or two. Second day hair looks great. Third day hair may require a ponytail, but it won't be too bad.

So that is my deal today. Sad. Scared. I have friends who travel the world without giving it a second thought. I'm a nervous wreck over a two hour drive.

And for some reason... I keep smelling scrambled eggs cooking but the stove is off and there are no eggs in the house.

Happy Sunday, y'all.

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