My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Monday, November 15, 2010

fear

I'm writing a rare night time blog post because there's something so heavy on my heart that I can't let it weigh on me all night while I sleep. I've had this odd restlessness settle over me today... anxiety... and I finally realized that it's fear. Fear not of the future, so much as it is fear of the past repeating itself. It's fear of finding success, of finding the things that I dream of and once again, not being able to hold onto them.

I have never felt more empowered than when I lost weight before. And it came back. I mean, I know why and how it came back... depression, discouragement, abuse, medications... and I've gotten control of my weight and am working my way back down the scale but I'm afraid to lose it again and then feel the immense disappointment in myself of gaining it back. I hear the mocking voices in my head saying, "don't bother giving away the fat clothes... you'll need them again..."

And once again... having lost weight... I've started putting myself "out there" again and accepting the possibility of a romantic relationship. I've met someone. Not sure if he's THE one... but he's someone. And I am almost paralyzed with fear at the thought of allowing myself to care because it means that I could get hurt. I don't want to ever again feel the desperation I felt with Michael. I don't want to ever care enough about someone that they would be able to hurt me that way. Yet, I don't want Michael to have been able to steal from me the ability to love. To trust. I don't want to always leave myself cut off because of what he did to me. That would allow the ultimate control freak the ultimate eternal control over me and I refuse to give him that power.

A very wise person told me yesterday that life is about how you handle disappointment. I can't guarantee that disappointment will never come. I can only make sure that I'm strong enough to handle it when it comes.

This time of year is so hard for me. I'm determined to not let the holiday season wipe me out emotionally like it has in past years. I'm determined to be flexible... accept opportunities that come my way... to let go of any expectations so that I'm not disappointed. I'm determined to let everything be a blessing... a surprise... a celebration. I'm determined to not focus on the things that I would have wanted that are missing... but to focus on the things that I have that others might not.

I'm afraid... but I'm no longer paralyzed by that fear. Isn't that the true definition of courage? To do the things that you think you can't do? To move beyond what's comfortable and stretch beyond your boundaries?

No more comfy nest for me. I'm walking into the fear.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh .... Heather! I'm sending you a PM on FB with my phone # so you can call me. I'll give you at least 10 reasons (maybe more) why that will never happen. C'mon girl ... YOU are fine. You've walked away from all that and learned from it. You are in a wonderful place (geographically, mentally and spiritually) ... not necessarily in that order.

Goodness, Heather. Just pray and trust. You are fine!! Stop worrying.

~patty

Jim Gant said...

Some things to think through:
(1)Is he as committed to God as you are?
(2)Is he willing to honor you by not making demands prematurely?
(3)Will he support you emotionally in your continuing struggle with the hurt Darby inflicted?
(4)Will he stay the course even if you aren't perfect or if you have health problems.

Strong relationships are formed when the spirit, soul and body are compatible. Unequal "yoking" usually does not work. Think of the following words for love:
Agape'- God's love that humans can only possess when they know God
Phileo - friendship and caring
Eros - physical love that symbolizes the two becoming one.

When a relationship grows in that manner, the result is typically strong.

Love ya!

Pop

Diana said...

Just take one day at a time. You are a strong, courageous woman. Like you said, when you have no expectations, you'll have less disappointments. Keep true to yourself. Be strong. You'll do fine.

Hugs,

Diana

Diana said...

Just take one day at a time. You are a strong, courageous woman. Like you said, when you have no expectations, you'll have less disappointments. Keep true to yourself. Be strong. You'll do fine.

Hugs,

Diana

Nicole said...

Heather,

First, congratulations on losing the weight. You seem very committed to keeping it off and with all that wierd stuff you eat I have no idea how you'd ever gain it back! ;)

Secondly, I'm not sure exactly what you've been through in previous relationships, but from what I've gathered in the short time that I've known you, is that you're a strong woman. Whatever lessons you've learned, you've learned because you've lived them. You will not go through the same troubles you went through in previous relationships, because you've obviously grown and realized what you deserve. I know a thing or two about taking a risk for love and I highly recommend it! Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith. There's nothing saying you won't fall flat on your face, but there's also nothing saying you won't be the happiest you've ever been. Just stay true to yourself.

I also wanted to make a little suggestion. When I had gone through a rough breakup (a few years before I met Zouhair) I was having a real hard time finding myself. I felt a prisoner to my emotions and I needed something to feel strong again, within myself. I decided to go skydiving. I was scared out of my mind, but I assure you once I jumped out of that airplane, I found myself again. I realized if I could jump out of a plane at 15,000 feet I could do anything. I found a confidence within myself I had lost for a long time. If you can, try to do something like this. A physical thing that the thought of scares you. If you can overcome it, you can overcome anything!

moshell's lilbit of space said...

I believe your dad's comment is the best. I believe YOU have to be strong in yourself before you can "commit" to another relationship, and I am not saying you are not at all...you are! You have overcome so many obstacles with courage, and love, and GOD (not that He is last by any means). Some fear is good....but don't let it overcome you. That is exactly how you grow.

Becky said...

I, too, was in a relationship in the past with someone that my family (particularly my daughter) didn't really connect with. Looking back, that should have been a warning sign for me, since I'm very close to my family (particularly my daughter).

Your family helped to bring you back to yourself. If you can't completely trust your own judgment yet, look to them for feedback, and see how a man meshes with your family before moving forward, and whether he shows respect for them and a desire to connect with them. I know I will be doing that if I ever date again.

Hugs.

Danielle said...

I love Dad's comment!