apparently i'm still observing whiny wednesday

Yesterday I got to work and started throwing up. Well... to be honest... I needed to throw up but it was too humiliating in our office where the hard wood floors amplify sound throughout the building. I was on the phone with a client and ... ugh... it took all my strength not to hit the trashcan. I got out of there as fast as I could... got home... got sick... and went to sleep for three hours. I woke up still really horribly nauseated and dizzy but at least I was no longer spewing.

About midday when I woke up ... I realized that we were out of toilet paper. Austin was asking for various things to eat (since we still haven't been to the store) and I knew I had to just bite the bullet and run to the Dollar General. I kept the air on full blast and sent Austin in for me. He did alright... except for not buying bread because he didn't think we really needed it. And then... I realized I had less than a quarter tank of gas. Gas stations are further apart here and the last thing i need is to run out of gas in the scorching heat... so we drove toward Helen. And then I remembered I had prescriptions at the pharmacy so we switched directions, drove to Cleveland, got gas, got prescriptions and then headed home.

While I was out and about handling those errands I felt so guilty. I was afraid that someone would see me and judge me for being well enough to go on those errands but not well enough to work... and it made me start to cry. It seems like for the past two years ... since the first onset of bronchitis that wouldn't go away... and then through the Weight Watchers months... and then since the back pain months... I've been living under a shadow of guilt.

Either I'm sick and pushing through it to do the things that have to be done to keep our household running.

Or I'm sick and at work exposing my co-workers to the various and assundry things I catch or not being able to carry my fair share there.

Or I'm in pain and doing what doctors have told me to do in the way of resting and nothing is getting done in the way of cleaning or grocery shopping and it's always, "mom... we're out of "...

Or I'm in pain and working and giving it everything I have and yet, it's still less than I was once able to do.

Or I push through to do the things that I have to do and I rest over the weekend and I'm a bad guy for not going to church and sitting through Sunday School and church and small group in the evening.

I take the medicines I'm supposed to take and they cause weight gain... and then I feel guilty for not being able to maintain my weight loss.

I take the medicines that are supposed to help manage the pain so that I can be functional but I'm afraid to drive.

I miss events that I want to be at... I miss work when I desperately need to be there... I am unable to hang out with friends or go visit my grandma or ... well, much of anything.

And the stress of it all pushes my blood pressure higher which makes them raise my blood pressure medicine which makes me dizzy and the cycle continues.

I have written and deleted and written and deleted all the way through this entry. I don't want to seem *ungrateful* for all that God has brought us through. We have been blessed and I know that people pray for us faithfully. I know that people see me as a person of strong faith and I do believe that God has a plan. I really do. I'm just weary.

I went back home after running errands yesterday and found the strength to unpack a box or two... and then felt guilty about it... knowing it would make me hurt. And then a sweet lady from church brought over bbq chicken, corn on the cob, green beans, rolls, waldorf salad... and I ate more than I should... got sick all over again... and went to bed really early.

I've got a case of my usual summer bronchitis brewing. Ugh. And... I actually feel guilty about coughing deeply because it hurts my back, irritates my reflux, makes me feel like I have to throw up again...

Gotta see if I can pull myself together enough to work today. 12 more hours until I can rest in the new nest...