newsday tuesday/early whiny wednesday

The best thing about a three day weekend is the four day week that follows it! It's tragic how exhausted I feel even after three carefully planned days of rest. I'm frustrated but more than that, I'm afraid. I just see my life grinding down to nothing but work, doctors offices and trying to rest as much as I can in between. And every minute that I'm not at home, I'm in pain and usually trying to fake it as if I'm not in pain so that I can continue to earn a living. It's so important to me to be independent. If I had to list my greatest fears they would be:

1. not being able to support myself and my kid
2. being in pain
3. losing my independence
4. losing my ability to do things on my own
5. being misdiagnosed
6. loss of quality of life

To some degree, some of those things are happening. I have modified my life and have eliminated things that I really enjoy because they just hurt too bad. I work as much as I can and I rush home to take something to ease the pain. I'm not on any narcotics but I am on muscle relaxers and nerve blocks which make it impossible to drive. So... any time I'm alert and awake enough to drive, I'm compromised by pain. Any time I'm pain free enough to function, I'm compromised by medication that limits my ability to function.

For six months that has been my life.

At the doctor on Friday she noticed swelling in my hands... I went to see her because of the swelling in my legs and feet... she was worried about my hands... and they were swelling but I hadn't thought about how much they hurt at times... and my wrists and elbows... and shoulder... and she thinks we're dealing with arthritis beyond just my back.

Depending on how you see things... you could think I'm a champion because I've pushed through the pain enough to be at work 90% of the time... or you could say, "you miss an awful lot of work". It's never been expressed to me as a problem but I know, instinctively, that it's a problem. I know that there are times that I'm at work that the pain is a great distraction. I'm fortunate to know my job well enough to do it in my sleep.... but that's not the kind of customer service I want to give. I want to be energetic and enthusiastic.

Anyways... weekends mean the world to me right now because it's an opportunity to rest and recover... weekdays mean pain... and I'm grateful to have a job, I love what I do... but it is not without pain.

I'm riveted to the Casey Anthony trial, as you know... and since it's on "verdict watch" I'm even more addicted. Wish I could stay in my nest and watch for it... but ... not today. Today I'm going to work. Did you know that Jose Baez was a high school dropout? He got a GED and went to FSU on that. Pretty amazing. Also... he was denied entry into the Florida State Bar for eight times because of things like his unpaid child support. He had a daughter when he was 17. It's interesting to me because instinctively I saw him as sort of a self-promoter... someone who took this case not because he thought she was innocent but because of the media attention it would bring. Just my opinion.

My blood pressure this morning was 128/89. A friend explained to me the other day that the top number is your stress factor... and the bottom number is how well your heart relaxes between beats. My bottom number is always high. My pulse is always high. Maybe it's not a huge deal but it has me worried. I'm glad I invested in the blood pressure monitor because it's giving me a more realistic view of my blood pressure at different times. I guess I should keep a record of it for my doctor.

I had to double my blood pressure medicine after my doctor visit on Friday and she told me this dose would make me sleepy... truly... I had two naps a day on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Wonder how I'll fit two naps in today?

My annual summer guilty pleasure starts this week: Big Brother. If you only watch the show it's not as interesting... you have to either get the live feeds or read the live feed recaps to know what goes on behind the scenes that makes it interesting.

And... that's the latest from the nest... in a lot of pain this morning... hoping a shower will hit the spot for me this morning and wash away everything that ails me. I'm grateful to still be able to function but wish there was some special "walking wounded" badge I could wear to make people understand what I'm going through. "You look normal"... "you don't look sick"... I don't know what sick is supposed to look like but I sure don't feel normal.

Anyways... It's Tuesday... in roughly 82 hours I'll be back in my nest for another wonderful whiny weekend... life goes on....