leave a legacy

Happy 4th of July Weekend! Happy 3 days off for me!

Hoping I can get my blood pressure under control over the weekend. I went to the doctor yesterday and my bp was 148/110. I went to the doctor because of the swelling in my feet... which she said is probably NOT related to blood pressure but could be related to the tachycardia. She took another gallon of blood to test for a certain heart enzyme that could indicate a problem... she also ordered an echocardiogram - I think that's what it's called. Again, this was a long doctor appointment as we had several things to review... medications I'm on, things I'm not supposed to do... things I can't take or eat or look at or whatever.

I'm way too young to be this durn old.

And, I've gotta tell you... not knowing what caused Tim's death has me imagining all kind of possibilities and wondering if any of those possibilities could happen to me. I know his blood pressure was high. He had a lot of problems with pain in his feet. I keep trying to remember... flashing back to the times we spent with Tim... I wish I knew what happened. God rest his soul. I would probably have never seen him again but in a strange way, I knew the world was a better place because he was in it... and I know the legacy he leaves in his children and the lives he touched will live on, truly... the world is a better place because of the 45 years he was in it.

I think that's the best we can do, you know, make an impact in the world. Live your life in such a way that people remember you when you're gone. Live in such a way that the world is a better place because you were in it. Make a difference to someone, something.

I have this picture of my grandparents on their wedding day that is on the wall directly across from my nest. I look up at them frequently... it's amazing to realize the legacy they are leaving, the multitude of family they left behind and the way they each have changed the world. So many of us... reaching out... most of us loving the Lord and living a life of faith. It's incredible to think about the power we each have to make a difference.

I think about my little legacy... the lives that Ryan, Cody and Austin touch... and my little nieces who have learned from me, in stories and the times we've shared. Every single memory makes an imprint. Even the little things like... this morning... grocery shopping with Austin at 5am... sharing laughter and joy with him in that simple task. Knowing that when he's grown and grocery shopping with the love of his life, he'll remember how mommy shopped. Ryan asked a lot of questions last Christmas about how to make the things I make at Christmas... and it really touched me that it was important to him to keep those traditions. Cody's sweet nature in how he cares for Marquee... I know that my boys know how to love unconditionally because that's how they were loved. That's the legacy that I pass on to them.

And you guys... you're my legacy. Every time I say something that makes you think... or makes you feel validated... or makes you realize you're not alone in the world. It's such a precious gift to me to know that people read what I write and care what happens to me.

I think about a lot of things that Tim said and did. Whenever someone would complain about something or present a problem to him he'd say, "you're gonna have that sometimes". I still say that. He was so careful to keep his house clean and his laundry done. He got his whites WAY whiter than I ever did. He spent so much great quality time with his boys... fishing... canoeing out in their little pond. Elijah was so neglected when his mother had him... when Tim got custody he changed that child's world... he was such a great dad. I know his boys will remember the things he said and did.

So anyways... we shopped this morning and really stocked up for a pig-out weekend for Austin and a no-salt weekend for me. Oddly, I'm craving sugar in an unhuman way... i can't even describe it. I have zero appetite but constantly want sweets. Austin has started monitoring my sweets and even hiding things from me so I don't randomly graze through stuff. Or he puts things at the top of the cabinet that I can't reach, even with the step stool.

I bought a blood pressure monitor so I can keep track of things. This morning I'm 136/94 so it's lower than yesterday. I'm just so glad that the swelling in my feet concerned me... I wouldn't have gone back to the doctor otherwise... and she really needed to increase my blood pressure meds.

It's gonna be a quiet weekend for me... I'm so grateful for the time off... and hope that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, that you enjoy your freedom and consider your legacy. Make a difference to somebody... love and hugs y'all.