My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

gloom, despair and agony on me...

I'm sitting here in the new nest with internet and a working computer. I'm grateful... and shocked, I guess. On July 5th I would have never dreamed that we would be back in our home in two weeks. It was an exhausting two weeks... and there are still details to wrap up:

still have to get a trash service
the hot water here doesn't work, Handy Man Maury is working on this today
Lots and lots and lots and lots of boxes to unpack and
lots and lots of clothes hung in the closet that belong in a rubber maid container or a thrift store.
I have one more claim form to fill out to get reimbursed for our "consumables"
Lots of grocery shopping to do to restock our pantry
pictures to be hung
Austin is still without a bed. I found what we want but ran out of cash. Have to wait on the claim check.
We are still without a washer and dryer. I priced some but think I'm going to have to go through craigslist.

And i am running out of steam. I have a headache and a fever and a sore throat that I am convinced is strep. My dizziness is so bad that I've been skipping any medicine except the blood pressure meds to make sure I'm eliminating anything that could be causing dizziness. It's like - I've learned to live with the pain so I can deal with that - I can't deal with dizziness. I'm having a hard time driving - it scares me to death - because I don't feel like my vision is clear enough to judge distance. It feels like driving drunk - not that I've ever actually done that, but it feels like what I imagine driving drunk would feel like.

Austin keeps coming up with things we need... trash bags... paper towels... a broom toilet paper... and I just don't feel well enough to walk thru the store. Makes me cry. I hate not being able to do the things I need to do. I've long since accepted my limitations as far as not being able to do the things I WANT to do... but there are so many things that only I can do. And I can't work and then go shopping.

It is Wednesday, isn't it? Wanted to make sure I got all my whining in. I'm having these moments of delayed emotion on this whole process. Now that we're settled in our own private space, I can actually have a good cry... or a bunch of them... about the process we've been through and what it's cost me physically.

Of course... in the big scheme of things this is a much better nest for us and we're so fortunate to have been moved without having to do it ourselves and have all of our clothes and belongings cleaned - you should see how clean they got the baby shoes! Austin has really matured and been very hands on in this process. He's gotten chummy with the guy next door - had lunch with him and his kids yesterday. He knows the handy man and his wife and is frequently in long discussions with them. He likes it here. I worried... pulling him out of town and putting him in a really rural space... and he's loving it. He's even waking up earlier.

I had my echocardiogram yesterday and she said they'd call with the findings on Thursday. I don't THINK there is anything wrong. I think they pretty much felt like they had to rule out certain things and I'll get a call that says, "it's not your heart". Although... they did list on my diagnosis list in my chart at the drs office "congestive heart failure". I guess they list things they suspect until that diagnosis is proved wrong?

Every day I just keep getting up - doing what I have to do - coming home and going to bed as soon as I can. It's not a "quality" of life situation but I'm meeting most of my obligations. The view from here - not just the nest but also this stage of life - the view from here is beautiful. It's a place of lush green forest... and a place of needs met... to see the amazing providence of God, whether it's making sure I have enough to pay rent and deposits... or making sure I have the strength to work... or making sure I stay safe while driving.

And then there's Lish. That's the new baby. His tag says "Lex" and maybe that was who people thought he was going to be. But he's ten times the curious cat that Bitty was. He's ten times the cuddle bug. He's fascinated with the fact that my eyeballs go away when I'm sleeping so he takes his paws and tries to pry my eyes open. He is fascinated with the laptop and tries to help me type. He wants to inspect everything I eat... follow Stubby everywhere he does... he wants to be inside of every box that's being emptied. He is right in the middle of everything we do. Austin calls him Little S*** but since I don't talk that way, I call him Lish. It's short for "delicious" - and - what Austin calls him. Right now he's laying belly up on my laptop treating the screen like a tanning bed.

Last night the sweet lady who helped set up my kitchen brought lasagna for me and Austin for dinner. Salad, lasagna and bread sticks. It beat the peanut butter and jelly I had the night before for dinner!

Ok... that's all I have for now... enough whining... pray that the dizziness goes away today so that I can do the things I have to do... love and hugs, y'all!

OOOh... and I'll post pictures soon... I know you want to see the new nest.


The Brown Recluse (TBR) said...

Blood pressures medicines can (often) cause dizziness.

Heather said...

Yeah... they cut it in half last week. With the lower dose my blood pressure has shot back up... and the dizziness hasn't gone away. They checked for ear infections, sinus infection, anything that would cause dizziness.