My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Freaky Friday. Not really.

Living with chronic pain is like living on a fixed income - you know if you spend your strength in one area, that you won't be able to spend it somewhere else. It's not like you can take a hot bath, take a few pain pills, go to sleep and wake up brand new the next morning. You might take the edge off but whatever you do one day means that tomorrow you're going to be able to do less. That's what I'm having to think about today. I've got a few things on the agenda today...

doctor appointment
picking up a few things for the new house
taking austin to the bank
changing my voter registration
making some changes to my insurance (like, moving those policies down to my new office)
going to see a friend

And I'd like to do a little bit in the way of cleaning and/or moving the things I can carry on my own into the new house. I just don't want to drain the energy bank and not be able to be productive tomorrow. The other thing... living with my mom and dad... mom and I kind of split the energy burning activities. We switch off on taking the dogs out, feeding the cats, cleaning the kitchen, etc. And no matter what I accomplish up here today, my mom is draining her energy by doing the things I would normally help with.

Just doing the things on my agenda for the day would be more than I would normally do on any given day. Yesterday I did a lot more than I would normally do. On Wednesday I worked longer than I usually do and also had that klutzy fall that drained off some of my account by increasing the pain level. Tomorrow is the big moving day. Sunday we need to get back to the southside of town. I'm working five days next week. It's cumulative. So today... I've got to be conservative with what I do.

Let me just tell you how much I hate that. I hate having training wheels on. I want to just Forrest Gump it - run and run and just not stop. I am a - "let's work and get it done so we can rest and enjoy the fruits of our labor" kind of person. Chronic pain has made me a "it will still be there tomorrow" kind of person. Sometimes it makes me an, "do I really care if this gets done or not?" person. And it's definitely made it hard for me to deal with deadlines. Or work with anyone else who needs me to carry my share of the load. There is a limit. It's not a limit I picked... it's a limit that fate handed to me. And what I've done for the past 19 months since my circumstances changed is learn to not feel guilty about the things I can't do.

But it still makes me mad sometimes.

Anyways. I love these mountains. I love getting to see my girls (and their parents, of course). I drove the girls to school this morning and it just makes me feel so connected to them. I have other nieces and nephews... four in one place, three in another... that geography and circumstances have prevented me from being a part of their every day life. I'm just that aunt that they know nothing about and would be awkward around since we never see each other. I have aunts like that and it's sorta sad to miss out on those connections. With Sarabeth and Jamie, I get to know the places and people in their lives and have little inside jokes with them and know what they like and don't like. Yesterday I picked up two little tote bags at Walmart. I knew the purple one would be Jamie's favorite and I knew Sarabeth would like the hot pink one. Sure enough, when I got to their house, Jamie was dressed in purple and Sarabeth was dressed in hot pink. I know these girls and I don't it for granted.

I loved spending time with Austin yesterday. I had to fight the urge to play Mommy-Fix-It when I found out that he didn't have lunch yesterday because they were out of bread and nobody has a car to go to the store. His work program only guarantees him a job through August. They help place him in a permanent position but there's no guarantees and they may or may not provide transportation. I have a thousand suggestions of how to work around the different obstacles he's facing but what I've found out through my almost 26 years of parenting is that it's really good for people to learn to solve their own problems. Had he moved to Riverdale with me he would have learned nothing, would probably still not be working and he would just create a whole new layer of stress for me and my parents. I'm glad to be a resource, glad to give my opinion, glad to share from my own experiences but having Austin living on his own and supporting himself is a good thing. I'm just glad to have a place where I can go and visit him without crowding him.

So... this home is special to me for those opportunities it provides plus allowing me a way to be a part of a part of the world that I really love. And whatever it takes to make this place a comfy place to crash, even if it's a painful process, is a labor of love for me.

Gotta put some makeup on and get things started! Have a great day, y'all!


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