I started blogging yesterday and it came out as a big long whine so I abandoned in hopes that I would have a more positive message to offer today.
Spoiler alert: I don't.
It's sort of a delicate subject and I want to avoid embarrassing us all with TMI so I'll speak in code. The surgery from two years ago was supposed to be a two parter and while it's definitely time to go back in for a tune up, there is no insurance to pay for it so I'm having to just pray my way through it. I've got some major inflammation/possible infection going on around there and every trip to the bathroom is a fresh new level of hell. And sitting/getting up and down? Fuhgetaboutit. I've been using my natural childbirth skills way more than I ever used them in childbirth. I've nearly bitten a hole in my lip trying to brace myself. It sucks.
Have I mentioned that I'm dog sitting? My parents are turning their house over to a renter. This was THE ONLY time they could really get her moved in as she's coming from Washington DC (I think), the parent of some very good friends/neighbors across the street. This means that my parents had to rush right from Christmas to finishing up things at the house they have lived in for 37 years while my dad finishes up his last few days at a job he's had for 46 years. They are in overdrive therefore the Old Lady Dogs are with me. The Old Lady Dogs are high maintenance, particularly Lily who is semi-incontinent and sometimes will want to go outside a dozen times an hour. That dozen times an hour is not one of my over-dramatizations for the sake of more interesting blogging. She really goes out that often. Yesterday it got to be too much and I was ready to put one or more of us out of our misery. I'm only half kidding.
Fortunately the dogs settle down in the early evening because they ARE old dogs and fortunately my kid comes up as soon as it gets dark and stays with the dogs all night. The kid is a vampire anyways so he's just using his insomnia for the greater good. I come upstairs at daylight, he goes to bed.
One thing that really soothes the savage beasts that are hounding me is a nice hot bath. Ryan and Sara got me these really awesome bath salts that have eucalyptus, peppermint oil and lemongrass in them and they make me feel like a brand new person. I indulged in a hot bath yesterday afternoon with two cats and two dogs hanging out in the bathroom with me - not in the tub with me, just in the bathroom. Little Kitty managed to get himself tangled in my bra and Lily had a whining fit - I wasn't sure if she had to go to the bathroom or just didn't understand what I was doing in the tub - so the bath was way too short and it's benefits quickly diminished. That was when I seriously began to wonder how I was going to make it until dark.
During the Summer when we had the water problem I developed a pretty uncomfortable rash on my eyelids. I thought I had gotten rid of any of the eyeshadow that I used during that time but on Christmas Eve I put on some eyeshadow that immediately burned like it had during the Summer. We have a little leak now but I'm fairly certain the culprit is the makeup, not the water. At any rate... my right eye is itching constantly and it's a sheer act of will not to scratch it constantly.
I also have a nasty earache and fluid behind my left eardrum. At times that pain is bad enough to distract from the other pain. I have to resist the urge to qtip the heck out of it.
The demon gut pain flared at 2am last night. It was bad enough that I thought, "to heck with it... I'm calling 9-1-1 and they can just add that debt to my other medical debt" and then I thought, "I'd rather lay here and die than be poked and prodded or have anybody even think about touching me at this point". And I read for a little while and took a pain pill and eventually got back to sleep. Today I'm still feeling the "shadow" of that pain but it's nowhere near as bad as it was over night. I survived another round!
Having fibromyalgia means that after a period of unusually excessive activity - such as cooking and shopping in preparation for the holiday - leaves me feeling like I have the flu or some deadly infection. Every step takes enormous effort. I am drained and exhausted. The doctors have me watching the demon gut pain for signs of infection/inpaction and honestly I've waivered between "I'm dying" and "Oh, this is just that stupid f-word again". The fact that it eases up at times tells me that it has to be the fibro. It wouldn't resolve itself otherwise. It's a mental battle to reassure myself that I'm not dying but I'm sure I'm not.
So all of that plus the pain from interstitial cystitis, spondylolisthesis, piriformis syndrome, sciatica, arthritis, spinal stenosis, muscle spasms, migraines, etc... it's all hitting me at once and it doesn't look good on me.
I promised to share my list of Christmas gifts with you. There are people who give and receive gifts in the hundreds and thousands of dollar price range. Let me assure you, there is no Lexus with a big red bow in my driveway. However, remember my wish list from a few weeks ago? I've got some family members who really pay attention to my blog because I got lots and lots of great stuff off of that list! I got:
- several pair of fuzzy socks
- some gorgeous sterling silver earrings
- a gift card to Ingles
- a Visa gift card
- a check from
- the aforementioned awesome bath salts - along with lotion and body wash
- a DVD of the Carrie Underwood Sound of Music (me and my nieces are going to have a sing-a-long soon!)
- a fabulous purple comforter that is the perfect weight to snuggle under (and Little Kitty says the perfect cushion for sleeping on)
- the softest furry throw that you've ever felt
- a plaque that my Aunt made for me - that totally made me cry - I had to hand it to my sister-in-law to read
- a book about the economic crisis that happened in 2008 (started reading it last night, very interesting)
- my annual calendar of family photos
- a book about outhouses - yay! coffee table book!
- a zulily gift certificate (from a blog reader - I was able to buy a sweatshirt, leggings and a maxi skirt!)
I'm sure I'm forgetting something but trust me - I had a very good Christmas and I was reminded how blessed I am, more because of the presence of people in my life instead of the presents from people in my life. The presents were great but just being surrounded by people I love was gift enough.
Today I'm planning to let the girls stay outside until they bark to come in. We'll have a warmish afternoon and it's good for them to get outside for a bit. That will help reduce the number of times I am up and down. I'm also going to risk having to clean up a puddle over jumping at Lily's every whim. Some of it is old age and some of it is control. I've got to remind her who the Alpha Dog is here.
I'm being a little more proactive rather than reactive in dealing with pain today. I keep myself on a fairly strict medication allowance because I try very hard to keep from being dependent on pain meds. I'm in a season of time where there is more pain and I don't have the emotional or physical strength to tough it out right now.
I'm working on staying very mellow today. A lot of it is mental - once I get whiny and start cataloging my aches and pains, I become much more aware of every little thing (see above). Stuff hurts and that sucks but there's way more good stuff than bad stuff in my life.
I do better if I keep my focus outward, thinking about others more than I think about myself. I'm going to try to be a little less self-absorbed today.
I hope you are having a wonderful holiday week and if you're working - you're not having to work hard. Thanks for letting me get my whine out of my system today. Love and hugs, y'all!