Another New Year's Eve

Another year is ending. Everyone is blogging their 2013 recaps or their 2014 resolutions. Maybe it's the cynic in me but that all feels really stale. This past year has been so significant in so many ways that it is impossible to wrap it up in a few short paragraphs. My hopes and prayers for the coming year are bigger than a resolution. I feel like I have evolved as a writer and observer of life beyond the stage of believing my words can do justice to the occasion. I also feel like today and tomorrow are just another Tuesday and Wednesday in the grand scheme of things.

So many people in my life have said goodbye to people and things that mattered in the past year. There's been so much pain - both physical and emotional. I reached the point of no longer being able to work. Or go out to eat. Or travel far. At a time when I was needed... I was unable to go and be and do. It's hard to not be able to be who you have always been. It's harder to summarize those feelings of impotence. It's hard to go from determined single mom, leaping tall buildings in a single bound... to being a girl who knows the answers to the all the questions on Live with Kelly and Michael.

We've aged. My grandmother turned 90. My daddy retired. My mom went on medicare. My daughter in law finished college. There's more grey in my hair and more lines in my face. I feel wiser and calmer. Life goes on until it doesn't and all the tears in the world can't turn back the clock, nor would we really want them to. Everything we lived through is a lesson we don't have to learn again.

I could resolve to do a lot of things next year but honestly, the thing I want most is validation. I want to get what I deserve. I've worked hard for a lot of years and would much rather still be doing that if I could do it without pain. Since I can't do it, I want to be able to collect the social security I paid into and not be a burden on my family. It's hard enough not being able to contribute in a physical way, I want to be able to contribute financially.

I want to be as healthy and strong as I can be. I want to be a good steward of my time and talents. I want to make this world better for others. I want to inspire people. I want to give hope. I want to know more at this time next year than I know right now. I want to drive down our country roads with the windows rolled down and the radio turned up, singing along at the top of my lungs. I want to take the best of me and make it better. I don't know if those are resolutions or prayers or hopes and dreams. That's what I want.

This year I spent a lot of time by myself. I'm glad I like me otherwise that would have been a pretty miserable thing. I guess that's why people drink or do drugs or whatever, because they can't live with themselves. I'm still, no matter how much time I spend in the nest, I'm still never bored. I wake up every day with a purpose, even if that purpose is just getting through that day. I look forward to the pleasures in life - guilty or otherwise. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I would love for there to be more but I don't blame myself. You can't regret what's past because you can't change it. You can only strive to do better next time. I hope I still do that. I hope I'm still flexible to make adjustments.

So for 2014... goodbye Sherwood Drive, hello Cedar Hollow. Goodbye time clock, goodbye alarm clock. Goodbye pantyhose, hello fuzzy socks. I spent the day dog sitting with a little dachshund named Oscar cuddled up beside me... babysitting two little red headed girls... loving, laughing, living. No matter how much changes in our lives those things remain - loving, laughing, living. Until we don't.

Happy New Year. Love and hugs, y'all.