Whiny Saturday

Today my daughter in law graduated from college. They only got four tickets and those, of course, went to her family and my son. The family held a graduation party but - like so many other things - it would have meant three or four hours driving for an hour or two at a party and that is more than I can do in the course of a day. Actually, five minutes into my drive to the grocery store this morning I was already uncomfortable. Fortunately, we only needed a few things and I was back home fairly quickly.

My parents were able to go to the party and it's fitting they should. Certainly they have played a huge role in Marquee being able to go to college, having helped her and Cody with bills and giving them a really affordable place to live. My mom drove Marquee to school and picked her up from school hundreds of times. Cody married a smart girl and she's going to do great things. One of the first smart things she did was marry into a family that would support her educational ambitions. I love her and am so proud of her and wish I could have been there to celebrate with her today.

While my parents are down on the southside of town for the next few days, Austin and I are holding down the fort and taking care of the dogs. Usually the dogs travel back and forth with my mom but the girls are getting on up there in years and they don't travel well. Lady gets so anxious in the car that she chews herself raw. It's only five days so the girls are staying here with us. This is a big change in mine and Austin's routine because although I *help* with the dogs, I'm really more of a cat person. Lily has the bladder of an old human woman and has to go out often. Getting up and down is painful for me, some days more than others. Austin has agreed to keep a vampire schedule for the next few days - staying up at night playing xbox so he can take the dogs out while I sleep. I can handle the extra activity during the day a lot better if I get a good night's sleep. Oscar went with the parents so it's quiet at least. It's going to be a rough few days but we'll survive.

I'm really more stressed out about my doctor's visit on Tuesday than I am about watching the dogs. Honestly, I'd like to be very confrontational and let my doctor know how disappointed I am that my medical records don't adequately document my physical condition. I've spent a lot of money seeing them every month or every other month for the past almost three years to not have records that back up what is really happening. I know that they work hard to cover themselves as far as prescribing medication - to make sure they've documented the need for it. I know they work hard to make sure that I don't have any illegal drugs in my system - I pay $25 a visit to cover the lab work. I have to fill out a two page form every visit that describes my pain and any problems I'm having. Every month I describe the problems I have. I don't have a problem with written communication. It should be clear. Anyways... I would like to be confrontational but the truth is I NEED their help. Initially he gave me the name of a lawyer to use and since I have to find a new lawyer, I think I'm better off using one that knows my doctor and who has worked with him before.

It's just so stressful. It sucks really bad to feel like this all the time. It sucks to miss out on so many things. To feel like there's no clear documentation of what I've been through - makes me feel like there's no validation. Like I've suffered in vain. Not that well documented medical records will make things BETTER but they are a means to an end. I'm angry and frustrated with the process. I would say, having lived through this, that this is probably the part that is the most isolating about pain is feeling like nobody GETS it. I've had people say, "you don't look like you're in pain"... which makes me think that the world expects me to constantly grimace and groan. And then I feel like if I go around grimacing and groaning that nobody will want to be around me.

And. This doctor visit will wipe out what's left in my bank account and I won't have money for meds this month. Some things I can stretch - and do stretch. Some things I have to take. The trick for me will be to figure out what I can afford and what I can't do without to make the most of my pharmaceutical purchase. In the past this doctor has let me sign a payment contract and defer payment. I'm going to try to do that... until I get my tax return. My family is brainstorming ways for me to have an income without "going to work" and they're coming up with good ideas... I'm open to suggestions. The truth of the matter, unfortunately, is that I have days where I can't function at all. Pain affects your ability to articulate, to be pleasant, to be productive. That's why there are some days that I just don't blog. Some days I don't have anything worthwhile to share with the world. I would have to do something that doesn't have a deadline or require me to punch a time clock because I never know from one day to another what I'm capable of doing.

Gloom, despair and agony on me... but in other news... the girl doggies were great this afternoon for me. Lady is more attached to my mom than Lily. Lady will literally howl and moan and carry on if my mom leaves her. Today she got kind of wound up as they were loading the car but then when they left she was very calm and she stayed calm all day. It was almost as if she was relieved not to have to get in the car. I thought that once it got dark she'd be upset and she really wasn't. She took her glucosamine, her baby aspirin and benadryl like a good girl. Both girls want to go outside of the fenced area to go to the bathroom. I let them go and they both came right back as soon as I called. We had one hour where Lily needed to go out four times - and actually went to the bathroom every time - but I get that. It happens to me sometimes too. My left hip/side/leg are hurting today and getting up every fifteen minutes really stunk but Austin has already relieved me and is settled in with the girls for the night. I can just sit and rest until morning.  I told Austin if he got frustrated or tired or anything to come wake me up and let me sit with them. I don't want him to get overwhelmed... but it's really not unusual for him to be up all night.

Anyways... so that's what's happening at the Hollow today. Hope you're having a wonderful weekend! Love and hugs! I promise my next blog post will be cheerful!