About Being Tired & Other Assorted Monday Whining

I had a really rough night of very little sleep Saturday night and spent all day Sunday feeling like I was in a fog. Last night I rewarded myself with a little sleep aid and was tucked in bed before Downton Abbey came on. It helped. I slept until 6-ish this morning.

Sleep is my best friend and my enemy all at the same time. I need it so bad but when I lay down at night I feel so much pressure to fall asleep that I can't. I saw the doctor today and he said that losing the dependence on ambien is a great idea but not if it means I end up exhausted which exacerbates pain. He's ok with the "use it sparingly" or "as needed" dosing. The truth is that it takes 2 or 3 days to catch up from one night of poor sleep. Everything in my body lends toward exhaustion even if I get enough sleep. I have sleep apnea and fibromyalgia and of course, my constant companion chronic pain plus the whole COPD shortness of breath carnival ride. I'm tired even when I'm not sleep deprived.

Anyways. I feel so bad complaining about being exhausted when the most active thing I do over the course of the day is climb the stairs three times to eat. I know that Throw Back Heather who was working two jobs and raising three kids and dealing with all the stresses of not having enough money or time thinks that Current Day Heather is a real whiner. TB Heather is all, "cry me a river" and CD Heather is going, "YOU JUST WAIT". The worst kind of tired is the tired that comes from doing nothing at all. Staying alive is exhausting.

Plus I have this man-child living here who has unpredictable outbursts and tantrums that would give a two year old a run for it's money. Trying to talk him back to rational behavior is a delicate dance. You have to agree with him enough to engage him in conversation and yet somehow help him come to the realization that his reactions to things are not quite right. It's mentally exhausting.

I found out that my additional lab expense (the extra $200 I was billed) was due to a questionable result on a lab test. It showed a *possible* use of lortab along with opiates. The opiates were fine, I'm prescribed those. The additional screening showed that there was nothing else in my system besides what I was prescribed. No explanation of why it would show up, just a fluke. A $200 fluke. That I haven't paid because... well, I don't have $200 to throw away. Dr. Matt said they really try to avoid doing the additional testing especially since I am "self-pay". However, the sad truth of the matter is that they are closely scrutinized because they prescribe pain meds and if a test is borderline, they have to err on the side of caution. Pain patients are truly a second class culture in this country. I'm telling you, smoking pot is becoming more and more attractive. I haven't and I won't but the hoops I jump through to be able to legally relieve pain is just wrong.

The good news is that they agreed to let me come every three months instead of every other month which will save me over $300 this year. Hopefully I'll get accepted to the free clinic and they can help with some of the pain. They can't act as a pain clinic but maybe we can handle some of the things that cause pain like the evil gut pain that had me wrapped in knots today. Probably half the strong pain medicine that I've taken over the past few months has been because of that pain. Seriously, you have no idea how much I want a diagnosis and remedy for that pain. Let me just go back to the normal stuff that I've grown accustomed to...

I got really nauseous and dizzy on my way back from the doctor. I was fighting the urge to purge and literally counting the minutes until we were back home. When I got here I curled up on the loveseat and my sweet niece Jamie covered me up with a blanket and turned the tv to Curious George before she headed outdoors to play. Stubby has taken over the couch so nobody can sit there without moving his huge feline self out of the way. Austin made homemade tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner and that went down ok so maybe it was just a fluke that I needed to puke. Teehee. Sorry. I went too far for that rhyme. Other than the aforementioned extreme exhaustion, I'm fine now.

My adventures for tomorrow include the library and pharmacy if I feel like it. If not, I'll just tack those tasks onto my trip to the free clinic on Wednesday. My apologies to those of you out there who work 12 hour days and are still raising kids and actually DO things that make you tired. I know I don't have the right to complain but... it is what it is.

Happy Monday. Love and hugs, y'all.