Ain't No Shame in my Game

Well. It's a done deal. I will be having surgery on December 21st. You might call it a major "back porch renovation". I've been sort of euphemistic about the nature and scope of my issues because it's a sensitive subject... but let's call a spade a spade: I'm having hemorrhoid surgery. It's a direct side effect of decreased sensitivity due to my back problems...and there are some other areas of concern, results of three natural childbirths and family history and ... well, obesity. Being fat messes with everything. But the long and short of it is they're going to be cutting me "where the sun don't shine".

Everything I've heard about this surgery is that it's extremely painful. One of the most painful surgeries to have, according to my surgeon. Painful enough that they send you home with a pain pump that delivers constant local anesthetic to the area. They've found that the pain pump allows things to return to normal digestively speaking... and that's a big deal. I'm told that I will have to soak after every ... bathroom encounter... which is part of the reason why you're unable to work for the first two weeks after surgery.

I've spent so much time in pain this year. I really very much don't want to volunteer for additional pain. I also have some major concerns about the symptoms I've been having... without grossing anyone out, things just aren't the way they should be. Hottie Heath having colon cancer and my mom having all the issues she's had... makes me want to get my "back door" in order. And... the Lord has blessed and made it possible for me to do what I need to do... with a supportive boss and supportive family members... and even the surgeon and hospital being flexible with my scheduling and financing... I know that I need to do this while I have the opportunity.

I've also spent a lot of time this year feeling guilty and ashamed about my medical conditions. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to be at church or be at family functions (such as Thanksgiving)... I feel guilty about missing work... I feel guilty every stinking time I park in a handicapped parking space, afraid that I'm taking the space of someone who is worse off than me. I feel guilty about not being more compassionate to others in the past who were suffering. I'm humiliated by the weight I've gained due to both the medications I'm taking and my lack of ability to shop easily, to prepare food... etc. I feel ashamed to have to tell people that my nerves in my back are compressed which makes sitting, standing, walking, and going to the bathroom more difficult. I am embarrassed to have hemorrhoids. I am even more embarrassed to have to have THAT kind of surgery.

BUT... if I've learned anything about living my life "out loud"... I've learned that for every emotion I've had, every situation I've gone through, there's been somebody out there reading my blog who has been through something similar... sometimes there's someone who has been through EXACTLY the same thing. Sometimes giving voice to my issues allows others to understand people in their life who are living through what I'm living through.

If you know someone who has chronic pain... you know that there is a very fine line between encouraging them and letting them know how much you want them to be around... and making them feel guilty about what they are unable to do. I can't tell you where that line is... but I do know that it's a very real boundary that has to be guarded. I know that for me, it's been easier to allow people to sort of drift away rather than try to maintain contact... I just don't have the energy. If not for social media I would be terribly isolated. I don't go anywhere other than work and the grocery store. I'm so grateful for the ability to communicate with people through this forum.

This weekend has been a huge blessing and a really good time with Austin. We haven't kept a spotless house but we've kept it liveable. I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow just because of the pain involved. I'm on the countdown now for surgery - 24 days - I've been told to go on a really high fiber diet now so that things are easier then. I'm having a colonoscopy the day before surgery so I'll be on a clear liquid diet for about 36 hours before surgery and a day or so after. Bring on the jello (no red dye) and broth... woohoo! If any of you have had experiences with these procedures, I'd love to hear your tips and suggestions.

So that's it. No shame in my game... it is what it is... I'll be getting a new back door very soon.
Dinner time!
Love and hugs, y'all.