My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Monday, November 7, 2011

reasons to love Monday... and why I need them...

Every week I do my "reasons to love Monday" because the truth is that I DON'T love Monday... and I have to encourage myself to keep moving when all I really want to do is curl up in the bed and pull the blankets over my head. I dread Mondays because I know that it means increased pain for the next five days... relentless pain that only lets up when I'm sleeping... so I know that I will either be at work (in pain) or sleeping or in some form of transition between those two states. I know that anything beyond working or sleeping will feel like an enormous overwhelming task. I know that even a simple chore like stopping for gas before or after work is a potentially painful endeavor. During the weekend... I can usually manage the pain... partially because I'm not sitting at my desk for 8 hours... partially because I'm able to take the nerve block pills that ease the pain... and because I can limit the physical demands on my body.

There was a time that I lived for the weekends because of all the fun I would have with friends... not in the sense of "party time"... because that's never really been my style. But at least in the sense of shopping, going to movies or the theatre, taking day trips, going out to eat... watching my kids play ball... whatever... weekends always held adventure. It's not like that any more. I hardly ever go out to eat because I can't control the seating situation... most restaurants have seating that is either hard or hard to get out of. Truthfully, I grieve for what has been lost... but I still long for the weekend just to be able to catch my breath, rest and feel less pain.

This past weekend was tough. I am discouraged. There's no way to sugar coat it. First to find out that I need surgery and then to find out that there's no way I can HAVE surgery in the forseeable future has really put me in a place of feeling sorry for myself. I have been gainfully employed for 25 years and I have literally NOTHING to show for it.  I don't own a home. I own a 7 year old car that *thank God* is paid for and keeps running but definitely needs more tlc than I can afford to give it. I have not one single piece of furniture in my house that I went to a store, picked out and purchased... it's all hand-me-down... I love it, I'm grateful for the hand-me-downs but I can't point to anything and say, "THAT is the result of all my years of hard work". Nothing. I don't have jewelry. I don't have any savings. I don't have credit. I don't have anything I could even pawn. Most of my clothes are hand me downs or thrift store.

Maybe it's a mid-life crisis of sorts but I look back on the last 25 years of my life and everything I have worked for, I poured back into the lives of my children and I really, truly, if you want to be honest about it, I don't even have them. Ryan is too far away for me to see more than once or twice a year and when he's here... or in Atlanta, rather, he spends the obligatory hour or two with me and the rest is spent with his brother. Cody works too much to have time to come up here... I am in too much pain to drive down to see him... and holidays are, again, the obligatory hour or two with me... and then off to spend time with his in-laws. Which is what I would want them to do. I never wanted to be the kind of parent that made demands on my children. I want them to WANT to spend time with me but if they don't... I don't want them sitting around bored out of their minds and resenting the obligation.

In a lot of ways, I just see myself as trying to hang tough long enough to see Austin graduate. My goal is to provide him as much stability as I can until he's self-sufficient. I've always felt like he is the one who needs me the most and already, he is the one who has needed me the longest. Ryan left home at 16... Cody at 17... so Austin at 17 and 8 months has been with me the longest. I depend on him a lot but I also do my best to give him whatever he asks for, within my budget.

One of the "kids in town"... (that's what I call them) that had led Austin "astray"... wants Austin to spend the weekend with him next weekend. Austin wants to earn some cash to pay for "snacks and stuff". I'm no fool. I know that "snacks and stuff" means "illegal substances" and when I confronted Austin with that concept, he freely and without any reservation admitted it. I looked at him and started to cry... I said, "do  you really expect me to allow you to go spend time with someone, ride in a car with someone who I know is participating in illegal activities... and you expect me to FUND this out of my meager budget?" He got mad. I'm ok with him being mad. Actually... no, I think he should have been apologetic... humble... anything.

The point of it... was that *this one thing* that I'm fighting so hard to be able to do - get Austin raised to maturity, whether that comes at his 18th birthday or at graduation or five years from now - this thing that I'm suffering such discomfort to do.... I'm not even getting that right. I mean... he has so little respect for me as a parent that he expects me to PAY for his drugs!

So I say all of that to say that if my reasons to love Monday are cheesy and a little redundant... it's my effort to RISE ABOVE... which, at times, is hard to do.... so, here you go... Reasons to Love Monday

1. Austin has his math graduation test today. This is the third time he's taken it. He has to pass it to graduate. He's been sort of "held hostage" in remediation... once this is over he'll be glad to resume his normal schedule.
2. Staff meeting this morning. I know most people hate staff meetings and it's hard to imagine getting excited about going in earlier on Monday, of all things... but I do sort of get a morale boost out of most of these meetings. It helps me focus for the week ahead. I don't hate my job... I hate the pain it brings. I look forward to implementing new ideas.
3. Monday gets me out of the nest and gets me up and out into the world of 3 dimensional people. It is very rare for me to have a day that doesn't bring about some divine appointment. I know that there are people who come in contact with me not just because of insurance, but because God has an agenda, a meaning, a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. There are almost always people who I meet who leave an impact on me.
4. Even on Monday... I appreciate the beauty and simplicity of my commute. Two stop lights... two four way stops... a couple hundred cows... and a lot of beautiful fall foliage... fabulous mountain views... farm land... mist rising... it's breath taking beauty and I get to see it every day.
5. I've really gotten into watching The Rosie Show. I mostly disagree with her politics and I think there are times that on the View she really showed herself to be a bully... but her evening talk show is what I consider "the Old Rosie"... she's funny, she's entertaining... it's like my Jay Leno... something to watch as I'm falling asleep. I look forward to getting home in the evening to watch her.
6. With the time change Austin won't be walking to the bus stop in the dark. I worry about him getting eaten by a bear. Ok... not really... well, maybe. No matter what he encounters on that walk... it's better if you can see it coming.
7. The temperatures this week will be mild. At least once the sun comes up. Right now it's 40 degrees here.
8. I was worried about the added pain from the surgery. Now I don't have to worry. It's not going to happen any time soon and I'll be able to enjoy the holiday season. I'm looking forward to decorating our little nest.
9. I love Monday because it only happens once a week ... and at the end of this day, I don't have to face Monday again for another week.
10. One week until Booboo's 25th birthday!

Hope you all have a fabulous Monday, that you're in a place where you feel validated, appreciated and productive. I hope you have several divine appointments today... and I hope at the end of the day... you'll be glad for everything this day had to offer.

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