attitude adjustment

Yesterday I blogged and then I unblogged because I didn't like the tone of my post. I was whining and it wasn't even Wednesday. It just felt like the road had gotten so rocky and rough... I really reached the point of true discouragement. That's not me. That's not who I want to be. That's not what I was put here to do... to suffer is difficult but to suffer for no reason is an absolute shame. There is always a reason. I may have given up trying to figure out the reason... I've been so busy dodging darts and hosting my own personal pity party... I stopped caring about the purpose and gave into the pain.

I even said to God, "do you hate me?" I know this is foolish and I also know this could not be further from the truth of who He is ... I mean, the absolute folly of asking the question indicates that I believe there IS a God... and if there is a God and He is so very powerful... either I believe that He's holy and sovereign and just... or I don't... and if I don't trust His purpose and intentions for me then I would be CRAZY to challenge Him!

But that's what it's been like these past few days. Frustration ... fear... pain... and it gets worse.

Do you remember my sadness last weekend about the circumstances of the surgery (not being able to do it indefinitely) punctuated by Austin asking to spend time with kids who he knows are not right for him... and my feelings as a failure of a parent in the fact that he would even ask? I prayed the other day that the decision would be taken out of my hands and out of Austin's hands and that the situation would not even OCCUR. Would you believe that the situation didn't even occur? He was home safe and sound last night.

I was able to speak to the nurse at the surgeon's office and let her know how conflicted I was about having surgery... my fears about the recovery time... my desire for a much less involved surgery with a much shorter recovery time. She answered, honestly, that I would likely be out of work for *at least* two weeks and not likely be able to work full time again for a month or longer. They won't clear me to drive for an extended period of time. The pain pump would stay in for at least five days. There is not a "less invasive" way to do it. This is THE surgery that I need for THIS problem and... well. That settled it. I don't want to put it off but I know that there is no possible way to do it now. I got confirmation that I had made the right choice for now.

Do you remember my aggravation about child support? I really was getting the feeling that the kids' dad was playing a game with me. I have felt very abandoned on this issue where my kids are concerned. They don't want to hear about it. Austin, who is least interested in touchy feely stuff out of all my kids... Austin, of all people... helped me sort out the issue of a problem getting the child support payment posted last night. We do this green dot money transfer and the transfer number he was giving me was "already posted" in August. I felt like I was getting scammed... but then he realized he was giving me the wrong card number.

In fact... Austin has been incredibly cooperative this week. He talked about how Pastor Jamie's message on Wednesday night was meant just for him... (isn't that always the case?) He watched some great shows on the science channel last night about autism and aspergers syndrome and he kept getting me to change to that channel to share in what he was seeing. There is such great potential in these autism spectrum disorders. Not really disabled but differently abled. That was very cool to see.

I got up early this morning and drove into town with appreciation for the beauty that surrounds us... appreciation that we did get child support yesterday and it enabled me to buy groceries and not buy "rations"  as I've been doing over the past few weeks. I wasn't wasteful... I wasn't extravagant... but I could buy laundry soap... some spices we have wanted but didn't have and didn't dare waste money on... bought some juice... just those things that for us, for now, are luxuries.

I started my day in pretty serious pain but it is Saturday so I can actually take something for pain. It's better now. Austin woke up early (for a Saturday) and helped me unload the groceries. The fall colors are still vibrant and vivid. Stubby the three legged wonder cat is doing better... he had been really puny over the past month or so and I was afraid we would lose him. Dinner is in the crockpot. I have some great meals planned for this weekend. In other words... it's better now. I didn't just need something for the physical pain, I needed something for the emotional struggle and I got that. There is peace that passes understanding.

The good news is that it turns out that God doesn't hate me, after all. Instead of saying with a voice full of tension, stress, pain and fear that "I don't deserve this!"... I'm saying with complete and perfect peace and humility that... "I don't deserve this". I am not worthy. And what I love is that He never changes, even when my attitude does... even though my love for Him is immature and inconsistent, His love for me is perfect.

Happy Saturday, y'all.