second opinion and other stuff

Today #1 plays #2 in college football. I know a lot of y'all don't get the whole obsession with college football thing and I can't explain it other than to say... it's a southern thing. Although, truthfully, I have southern friends who don't get it either. They're mostly gay men but... not really, I'm kidding. At any rate... I've been watching football pre-game stuff since about 8am.

Well. That's not entirely true. Since 8:30 am. At 8am I was making the drive into town to pick up breakfast. I usually pick Austin up two bacon egg and cheese mcgriddles and a large sweet tea every Saturday morning so that when he stumbles out of bed noon-ish it's ready and waiting for him. Just one of those special touches that makes me the BEST MOM EVER.

Ok. That's not really true either. Ryan's birthday is in nine days... his 25th birthday... huge milestone birthday... and I have yet to pick him out a present or get it in the mail to him. I mean, yes, I can manage to do that in time still... but budget wise, it's not looking good. I'm so tired of being poor.

Not exactly poor, you understand. Just financially challenged. Like, for us, living paycheck to paycheck would be an improvement. Right now it's like... by the time the paycheck comes it's already spent and I'm on pins and needles trying to balance things and keep us afloat until the next one... sixteen days away. I literally will take my paycheck, subtract out the obligations that have to be met before the next payday, subtract out two tanks of gas, which is about what it takes each pay period and divide that amount by the number of days left until the next payday. Right now we're operating at about negative $10 a day...

So, having said that, it's not looking like I'm going to be able to afford to have the surgery in December. That means putting it off for... who knows how long... years, probably. I just don't have any give in my budget. Missing half the child support I usually get in October, compounded by the fact that I already get just a little over half of what I'm supposed to get anyways, and taking into consideration that although he is SUPPOSED to pay until Austin graduates but I'm anticipating him cutting it off when Austin turns 18, so that I have to file contempt of court to get the rest of it... it's just made things too tight. On top of that... I caught up a couple of medical bills in the past month that I really needed to get honest on and... well. We like rice and beans, that's a very good thing.

Actually... my favorite dinner lately is cereal. Which... honestly... isn't all that cheap, when you think about it. Austin's favorite dinner lately is yellow rice.

What frustrates me about this whole deal is that about 90% of my medical issues are the direct result of working too hard for too long and having too little money or insurance to take care of problems when they first pop up. Or out. Or whatever. It's like I've spent the last 25 years on the edge of a cliff wondering which crisis - medical, dental, automotive, housing, etc is going to be the thing that puts us over the edge. I'm still there.

I keep bouncing back... finding my balance... making sense of things but it gets old. I mean, I'm grateful for what God has done for us but I wish I didn't have to rely on Him so much, know what I mean?

It's just like... seeing the service engine light come on in your car and not being able to afford to get it serviced. You know that eventually that's going to lead to much bigger problems but you are powerless to change it.

I'm sure it will all happen when it's supposed to. It wasn't as if I was really LOOKING FORWARD to this, you understand. It's not as if I see having major surgery as a vacation or anything. Although I could sure use one.

So ... anyways... sometimes a second opinion doesn't come from a doctor. Sometimes it comes from your bank. Mine did.

But it's Saturday... so I'm going to enjoy a lot of football... maybe open the windows and let some fresh air blow through... and enjoy the chicken that's cooking in the crockpot... enjoy the time to rest and relax... and try to keep my balance.