the call of shame

I'm way later than usual writing my blog today... I woke up at my usual 4am... actually, I woke up at 3:15 because Trouble doesn't seem to understand that time has changed... or maybe he does and doesn't care... and he so very gently and sweetly patted my face until I said, "baby kitty mommy is still seepy night night not time for num nums" because, obviously, cats don't understand plain English, you have to make it sound like baby talk for them to understand... anyways... I woke up ... played a few games, you know, tended my farm and my city and my castle and all that... and realized that I was 1) falling asleep and 2) in a great deal of pain... so I went back to bed. I woke back up at 6:30, got the kid up and off for school and decided that a shower and a prayer would heal what ails me. I put the steel cut oats in the rice cooker (thanks Pop for the steel cut oats in the pantry, we ran out and I was so happy to find that box waiting for me!)  (thanks Jim and Angie for the rice cooker. you need one!) and got my shower.

Post shower I was in too much pain to lift my leg over the side of the tub. Not a good thing. I worked it out but it took a few minutes. I decided that if I ate I would feel better... ummmm... nope. True to form... my belly is aching so bad... and anything I eat makes me feel like it's about to reappear quickly... "Hasten, Jason, grab the basin"... (I don't know where i heard that. probably from my dad who is corny like that).

This is out of context but here's what happened: yesterday morning when I was leaving for work in the sub-freezing temps (29 degrees) Trouble got out. After losing Bitty earlier this year... I was not about to let another one of my fur babies become bear food... I took off running after him. Bad idea. I lunged back and forth while he wiggled from my grasp and felt the impact in my spine... but I needed to go to work. I'm missing so much work with the surgery and I am just afraid to not go. I went to work yesterday and prayed and ibuprofen'd my way through the day but it was not easy. Or pleasant. I just kept going. This morning, just like the day after a car wreck, my body is screaming from the abuse of yesterday. I hurt so bad.

And there's the continual stomach cramps that are killing me... I'll see the surgeon on the 12th and the pain doctor on the 13th and my regular doctors have both left the practice so I really don't want to try to go to the doctor and see someone I don't know... but between the bellyachin' and the backachin'... I feel like I'm wrapped tight in a corset of pain.

So.... long story short... I made the call of shame this morning and I'm here in the nest in my fuzzy grinch sleep pants and a tshirt that belongs to austin - he will complain that I'm wearing it because he says I stretch his shirts out WHATEVER... I took my end of day meds in hopes of relieving this pain... (which is ok, the doctor prescribes it so that I can take it all day but I only take it all day when I'm not going to be driving or working or whatever).

Is this my worst blog post ever? I feel like this is one big long whine.
Let's change the subject... enough about my aches and pains... I want to ask you to pray for two people who are going through more than me... Rebecca, who is going through treatment for her MS... she has young children... and she will be in the hospital for the next ten days (I think, if I've put the story together right).. which I just can't even imagine... being away from your little ones during the magic of Christmastime... there is so much responsibility on moms during December. Please keep her in your prayers.  And my Steel Magnolia, Great Aunt Bette has broken her hip and isn't doing well. Aunt Bette is one of the most precious, loving, strong and beautiful people I know and it breaks my heart for her to be in pain.

I've always said that the holidays put a giant magnifying glass on everything... if you're happy and content and joyful and surrounded by family... you feel even more joy over the holidays. If you're lonely and in pain and struggling, you are more acutely aware during the holidays. I am feeling much less stress this year than most but I am feeling less engaged in the world around me as well. Whenever I hurt too much to accomplish what I consider the basics: going to work and taking care of my home/kid... I feel so much guilt and shame.

Anyways... so I'm home. I'll spend the weekend pulling myself together as best I can and will get right back on the hamster wheel on Monday. Love and hugs, y'all.