My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

letting myself go... in so many ways....

It is 12:41 pm on a Saturday and I'm sitting here in my pjs with my hair uncombed and yesterday's makeup still streaking on my face and I. don't. care.

I've either achieved true apathy or I'm letting myself go.

Yesterday was a rough day.

I had one of those mini-panics of "do I go to the doctor for this infected finger thing or tough it out?" I had visions of amputation flashing through my head (hypochondriac, much?) but as it turns out, there was a ... let's call it a "misunderstanding" at the office that I was grateful to have the opportunity to at least try to defend myself on... not sure it mattered, one way or another... but as I was driving home with the durn finger still red and throbbing, I said out loud to God, "Ok. I see why I needed to stay today."

Because my prayer... my honest to God prayer was, "if I'm supposed to leave, then you'll give me a sign by having someone who isn't typically compassionate act compassionately toward me". And I gotta tell you the truth... at lunch time... I was feeling sort of "unheard" by God and others.... but as the day went by and I saw that it was necessary to defend my actions... well, not exactly then... at that point I was thinking, "HERE I AM SUFFERING with this durn rotting finger... and my back spasms and my stomach KILLING me... HERE I AM TOUGHING it out and THIS is the thanks I get?" ... but later... when I was in my quiet, reflective, "thank you God for getting me through the day" mood... then I realized why it was important for me to be there.

You know what else? I was glad, once again, that I started the day with the realization that I was desperately standing in the need of prayer. I thought it was because of my finger but in reality, it was more about my honor.

And honestly, it still might not turn out good. I take that back. I know that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. It still might not turn out the way that Heather, in Heather's limited wisdom plans for things to go. Even though I have the awesome example of every single crisis in my life ending up as a very God thing for me... I still worry. Isn't that nuts? It's like I still have this need to maintain control... even though that's one way to be certain that it won't work out well.

I got home... visited with my boy and my fur-boys and played a couple of hours of mindless, unproductive games until I could no longer keep my eyes open... and I collapsed into the horizontal nest (as opposed to the ninety degree angle nest) for a few hours... then got back up at 5-ish and ... here I still sit. I got up and made breakfast (scrambled eggs and toast), did a load of laundry, semi-swept the kitchen, made lunch (yellow rice and green beans. I don't know why.)... but other than that... just me in all my apathetic glory...

Marveling over God and all of His Glory...

Happy Saturday, y'all.

2 comments:

Sonya said...

I don't think that is letting ones self go. We have to get up and get dressed and put on make up and fix up to go to work all week. By the time the week ends, it IS time to collapse and rest and play games and seee....you did some laundry and fixed a meal! All is well. I'm having the same kinda day here. Had to take the dog for a trim and went to buy a wedding gift. I threw on clothes and no make up. Still haven't taken a shower and won't til we get ready to go to a wedding bash tonight. I wrapped a few gifts, did laundry too and now playing myself. Hope your finger gets better. Infection is not something to play with. If it gets into your blood stream and into your organs it's not good and it can happen fast. So take care!!

Heather said...

I know... I'm seeing my surgeon on Monday for the pre-surgical consult and I have to do all my preop stuff at the hospital... so Im sure he'll put me on an antibiotic to make sure theres no lingering infection in my body when they do surgery. The risk of infection is already so great with this type of surgery, last thing I need is to go into it already infected.