ten days, still in a haze

I feel worse today than I did on the first day. Every trip to the potty is a new level of hell. I'm shaky, my heart is racing and I'm regretting this in a big way. I know it needed to be done. It wasn't "elective" surgery by any stretch. It was, "take care of it in a planned way or end up in the ER with a thrombosed situation". This was better. It just... ugh. It just hurts so bad.

I'm scared that I won't be ready to go back to work on Tuesday. My job security is definitely a concern. I did get permission to have this surgery and explained that it was a 2-3 week recovery. But while I've been out I've been "demoted" in a sense - moved to the back office. It makes me feel like i need to get back as quick as I can and be one hundred percent when I get there. Which makes me really emotional, unfortunately. I've spent all of the past year held hostage in a body that doesn't work like I need it to and it's made me the lowest man on the totem pole in our office, despite my longevity with our company.

I can only play the cards I've been dealt. I didn't ask for any of these current afflictions... but that is the lot that God has given me. And I trust God, that everything works together for good for those who love Him (and I do) and are called according to His purpose. Right now my job is to heal physically. Emotionally my job is to not worry about the labels that man gives me but to trust the labels that God has given me. He knows the depths of my heart, He knows that my intentions are pure. I've been the low man on the totem pole before and it doesn't change who I am in His eyes.

There are a lot of people who rate their success on the dollar amount on their paycheck or the job title behind their name or the house they live in or the spouse on their arm. My success is based on who I am in His Kingdom and how well I am living up to His purpose for me. I know that if I seek His Kingdom and His Righteousness first, that everything else will be added to me. I've focused too much on my pain in the past year and haven't focused enough on His purpose. I have to recognize the treasures that come from my pain, the relationships that are strengthened and healed because of it... the compassion I have that I've never had before.

I love this picture of Jamie, Austin and Sarabeth - it shows how much they  adore him.. and how many teenage boys will allow their little cousins to cuddle up to them? 

I can't believe that it's already New Year's Eve. I can't believe that another year has flown by. I started this little blog seven years ago... right after my Jamie girl was born on the 29th... I never could have imagined what an impact this blog would have on my life, the people it would bring into my life - the blessings that God has brought into my life through this blog. And Jamie... to see her is to recognize unfiltered joy... I can't imagine a child more loving, trusting, precious... she is my heart. We had no idea at the time what a blessing she would be.

Lord willing, in 2012, Austin will graduate from high school. Lord willing, I will put more effort into the only label that really matters, being "His child". Whatever happens, wherever life takes me, I know there is a purpose. Every pain filled moment, every crisis, every disappointment has a purpose. It's my job to learn His voice so that I know which way He is directing me. I trust God with all my heart and all my life. Even with this broken down, pain filled body. It is His.

Happy New Year, y'all.