Newsday Tuesday - warning, I will discuss things that might not go well with breakfast...

My Christmas to-do list is very different this year. Instead of "make sausage balls" and "mail Christmas cards"... it includes things like "bowel prep" and "colonoscopy" and "hemorrhoid surgery". Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas, indeed.

If I had to list my fears over the next two weeks they would look like this:
1. survive three days on a liquid diet
2. have the "intestinal fortitude" to drink all the colonoscopy prep stuff
3. survive colon cleansing with hemorrhoids
4. get through two mornings in a row of nothing by mouth (including coffee) (especially coffee) until time for my procedures - I won't leave the house to go to the mailbox without a drink. I drink constantly.
5. survive colonoscopy with hemorrhoids
6. survive hemorrhoid surgery
7. survive two weeks at home with a teenager on Christmas break
8. be well enough to return to work after two weeks
9. not run out of money during the time I'm out of work
10. have a good outcome

I just realized that nowhere on that list did I put "deal with the pain". I keep googling "hemorrhoidectomy recovery" and reading the horror stories. I think living with the amount of pain I've had every single day for the past year has changed my tolerance to pain. When you continue to survive the things you think are impossible to survive... you develop a pragmatism about it. I hope I don't hurt. I imagine I will. The difference is that at least I will have pain medication... instead of having doctors shake their heads and prescribe things that make me fatter but don't make me better... this surgeon is like... this will hurt and we will help with that.

I remembered to turn my alarm off last night. The alarm NEVER wakes me up, I'm always up at least an hour before it goes off. I thought... I'll be wide awake by the time I have to leave for either procedure today or tomorrow... and the next two weeks after that neither Austin and I have a reason to get out of bed. I mean... we don't have obligations. This is the first time in as long as I can remember that I've had that luxury. Any time I've not had a job I've had the need to actively search for one. When I was a stay at home mom I was a mom with three little kids and a house to keep and much to do, every day. I've never really had a vacation... and even the short trips I've taken over the last decade or so had an agenda. I was where I was for a reason and couldn't really just relax. I will not fret about anything until January 3rd. I have never been in that position. As much as I'm dreading the pain, I'm embracing the break from our busy life.

As I was saying, I remembered to turn off the alarm but Trouble the Cat has an alarm that won't quit. He started in on me at 4am... patting my cheeks, touching my eyelids, licking me... argh. I changed positions. I covered up my face. He actually took his two front paws and pulled my hand over his head so that he was making me pet him. He's going to be ... well, Trouble. He's so used to our schedule.

I made it through yesterday on my liquid diet. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be but... I made the mistake of watching a documentary on the Connecticut Hot Dog Tour. I don't even really like hotdogs but... oh... the soft bun and the chili and... man. I wanted a hot dog. My co-worker gave me a bag of homemade Christmas goodies and I didn't even peek inside. Thursday, maybe. I couldn't stomach the broth but the jello was awesome. I wanted to top it with cool whip but... it's ok. I made it through day one.

The colonoscopy prep was... ok... it wasn't as bad as I thought. You take this little pill and then wait until you go to the bathroom to start drinking the liquid. I took my little pill and FOUR HOURS LATER.. .at my usual bedtime... I was able to start drinking... everyone said the liquid was vile... I'm going to say that it was more like a salty, thick, orange gatorade. I had to drink 8 ounces every ten minutes until it was gone. I chugged my glass and then had several minutes to recover before I had to drink again. It went by faster than I thought and wasn't as bad as I thought. The results... not as painful as I had anticipated but I'm still doing what my dad refers to as "the green apple trot" this morning. The hardest part is that there is NO WARNING... by the time you realize you have to go... it's too late. I don't move fast. Good times.

My procedure today is scheduled at 11:30. Well. I have to be at the hospital at 11:30 which probably means my procedure is at 12:30. I figure an hour or less for the procedure... an hour of recovery... about 45 minutes drive home... I'll be settled back in the nest with a big bowl of jello by 3:30...

My belly is growling so loudly that it scares the cat.
So that's the news from the nest today... hope you all have a TERRIFIC Tuesday... thanks in advance for your prayers! I'll update whenever I'm lucid and able. Love and hugs!