My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Have you planned your funeral?

Yesterday morning on my way to work I was contemplating my funeral. Not in a macabre "I wont be around much longer" kind of way... from a production standpoint. I can promise you that if Purple Michael is involved there WILL BE a fog machine involved in some way... and I've always said that I want my memorial service to be casual dress because I don't believe anyone should have to wear stockings when they're grieving. Unless, like me, you need the stockings to hold things up and in... maybe a toga funeral? That would be awesome!

I also think that my brother should be the one to give the sermon but I hope he includes confession for the things he's done that pushed me closer to my maker... like the time he drilled a tiny hole in the ceiling over my bed... ran fishing line through the attic from my room to his... tied a plastic spider on my end and dropped that sucker on my face while I was sleeping. TALK ABOUT HEART FAILURE! I'm sure I lost ten years that night. And the time that he hid in my closet and waited for me to fall asleep and jumped out at me. Another ten.

Sometimes I think the fact that I'm still on the right side of the dirt is by sheer accident - because between four brothers and three sons and two temporary step-sons - I've had more than my share of  "just go ahead and take me, Jesus" moments. Most of them in jest, of course. Most of them.

Anyways... there are three songs... all of them "religious" that I want played... Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing... His Eye is On The Sparrow and Arise My Love. My friend Elaine used to say that since her church will avoid singing songs for six months or so after they're played at someone's funeral - out of respect to the grieving family - she was going to have them play one of those songs in the hymnbook that nobody really likes, something like, "God Give Us Christian Homes"... and I've considered that... but we sing based on what's put up on the wall - major media, you know? - not really out of a hymnbook. If I think of a song that we collectively dislike as a church, I'll add it to the playlist.

My funeral is also going to require refreshments in the vestibule for the Jehovah Witness family members who can't go into our sanctuary. And we'll have the wetbar set up in the pool area of the Ramada Inn next door for those family members (and friends) who are convinced that lightning will strike if they set foot in a church period. There really is a Ramada Inn next door to our church. Actually... the church is set between two hotels. I picked the Ramada because it has an enclosed pool area.

I don't really know what got me thinking about this funeral stuff. I don't think I'm likely to die soon. It's like we say in the insurance industry... women are sicker but live longer so their health insurance is more expensive and their life insurance is cheaper. Men are healthier but die younger - probably figuring it's their only means of escape. That joke was funnier before divorce became so prevalent.

Yesterday was fairly ok for a Monday. It was a longer day since we had staff meeting at 8am. I was dragging tail when I got home and then my upstairs neighbor was on her deck enjoying the warmer temps. Haven't seen her in awhile... they smoke out front under the covered porch when it's cold and damp. She asked how my surgery went and if it cleared up my back pain. I was puzzled... and then I realized she didn't know what kind of surgery I had. *that awkward moment when someone thinks you had back surgery when you really had hemorrhoid surgery*  I've been candid with those who I thought could keep a straight face or HAD to know... been vague with those who I thought would be uncomfortable or would make ME uncomfortable... she's a CNA or LPN or some sort of almost nurse so I told her ... and then endured about ten minutes of medical advice about the best way to poop, complete with demonstration of the proper position.

This is why I'm vague with some people. I really just don't want to talk about my bowel movements in a voice loud enough to be heard from my driveway up to the patio above us. I prefer discussing poop in whispers. I prefer to only tell people who are going to NOT expand the conversation beyond the absolutely necessary exchange of information. Like y'all.

So anyways... it's Tuesday. What's new in your world?


Michael said...

Hmmmm...You can't plan your funeral with out me, Missy!!! First the invitation will go our immediately. That way the guests will know that they will be expect to wear the proper attire. (No jeans or flip flops)(Please leave all beer cans outside) Then of course, we have to talk costumes for the cast. You, the Minister, etc. Then lighting... Oh Heather, you know you have to plan these things. Remember, I've always said that at my funeral I want the sounds of people crying played on a cd with just enough volume to hear under everything else going on. And then of course the fog and music that builds as my body is lowered on a giant moon.

Michael said...

OK...From my mouth to Gods ear. I did not read this post. AT ALL. I read the "Planned your funeral." Thats when I posted my first comment. Then as I flipped back to the original page, I saw my name at the top. CRACKING UP!!! I love that we know each other so well. I love you and I miss you!